Happy Holidays

Happy Holidays to everyone but remember that days are only really holy if you drop through the space time continuum. Or if they are complete and wholly over. As this post is.

NPR's ‘5 Things You May Not Know About’ the republican candidates.

NPR is running its ‘5 Things You May Not Know About’ the republican candidates.

You’re right NPR but I do know this:

Jon Huntsman dropped out of high school — but he did graduate from college. In 1978, Huntsman quit school to play keyboards in the rock band Wizard. Just the president we need to encourage the kids to stay in school. Oh and by the way, when you name your rock band Wizard, it soon becomes apparent you will be the backing band for mediaeval inspired pornos.

Michelle Bachmann met her husband on a playground. Michele and her husband, Marcus, met when they were students at Winona State University. According to a 2007 profile in the Minneapolis Star-Tribune, they both had jobs as playground supervisors at an elementary school near the college. Marcus was there to meet guys but when in Rome… (this is not a reference to her vag being like rome, too many catholics in her vag. Kid, I kid)

Rick Perry loves The Wizard of Oz. "During our interview," wrote veteran Perry watcher Paul Burka in a 2002 Texas Monthly profile, Gov. Perry "mentioned that his 'favorite movie of all time' is The Wizard of Oz. For him it has lessons that translate to politics. (No, no, it's not that you can get along without a brain.) To Perry, political power is often an illusion, a little man behind a curtain projecting an image." This is good news because for Herman Cain, it was something else projecting.

Ron Paul can deliver. As a doctor in Texas, Kwiatkowski says, Paul delivered more than 4,000 babies over the years. Why Herman Cain had him delivering babies as opposed to a large with extra cheese is still a mystery.

Mitt Romney was once accused of "trying to bribe" a park ranger. In his new book, Mitt Romney: An Inside Look at the Man and His Politics, author Ronald B. Scott writes that when Romney was a young father, he led a family outing to a state park in Massachusetts. When Romney got ready to launch his unlicensed boat, a park ranger said it would cost him $50 if he did. Romney offered the ranger the money, was accused of trying to bribe the ranger, and was arrested for disorderly conduct. Hey Mitt, your attempted bribe of $50 was a slap in the face to that ranger. Now in the park restroom $50 will get you somewhere but not at the docks.

Newt Gingrich met his first wife, Jackie, when he was a 16-year-old high school student in Columbus, Ga. Jackie was his 23-year-old math teacher. This gives new meaning to helping Newt after school with his parabolas.

You Can't Do Both

Be wary when they tell you that you can’t do both. They told that to Charlie Sheen and we all know how that turned out.

I’m guessing that Woody Allen was also told that you can’t do both comedy and drama. We all know how that turned out. Interiors bombed but the Soon Yi thing was golden.

Now sometimes it is true. Michael Vick can’t run and last in the NFL. And by run, I mean from the PETA brethren, not from divisional linebackers. The NFC East ain’t what it used to be.

Sometimes it should be true but isn’t. Like inhaling and exhaling at the same time. Christopher Hitchens help us but Kenny G (spot) made sure we know how that turned out... and that we will never, ever buy one of his cd’s…not even a Christmas one.

I mean, look at Chaz Bono, what if he had believed you can’t do both.

So don’t buy it folks. Unless they tell you that you can’t buy both!

1 in 2 Americans Are Poor

1 in 2 americans are poor. Hmm. “Strongest economy in the world” they say. How can this be? Does greed exist? Is there income inequality?

Don’t complain. You may protest but don’t complain. Actually, you may not protest. Apparently, that is illegal now. So I guess you might call your congressperson…if you can afford a cell phone.

I’m glad I never cared about money or material wealth. I always desired time and instead of owning things, I’ve always wanted to do things. (Most perfectly legal I might add)

Consider that a man who hits a ball with a bat for a living just signed a deal to make $250 million for a mere 10 years. And make no mistake, that is because there is a demand for that kinda moolah. Here’s the rub: you pay it. Because you watch, because you go to the game, because you buy the jersey, because you watch espn and the truck commercials and then buy the trucks and on and on it goes.

Am I blaming you for 1 in 2 ‘mericans bein’ po? No I’m not. But I am telling you that 1 in 2 americans being poor is a reflection of our values. You heard me just fine punchy (Pulp Fiction quotation).

Prefer watching Two and Half Men to fractions homework…fine with me. Don’t complain. Prefer your gas guzzling truck you use to haul plastic bags full of shit you don’t need from wallmart to asceticism? Groovy. Far out. Don’t complain. You want your lap band surgery covered by health insurance to walking? Kudos, have at it. Don’t complain.

Don’t complain when your lack of vision, when your unwillingness to consider the dominoes that tumble behind your choices come back to make YOU 1 of the 1 in 2. But I forgot, you don’t do fractions. Let me put it this way, you can’t watch chuck sheen anymore because you can’t pay your cable bill because you need gas for your 13 mile per gallon ford f 150 and your lap band broke.

Yes, you could be 1 of the 1 in 2. You are not a temporarily embarrassed millionaire. If you did do fractions or statistics you would understand that you aren’t going to win the lottery. You have a better chance of getting eaten by a rabid chinchilla while hunting rhino in Botswana with Ricardo Montalban and the cast of Glee.  Yes, you…you could be one of them.

And I guess that ain’t so bad. Could be worse, you could have fractions homework.

Not both Christianity and Evolution are true - An Argument

1.       If evolution is true, we all share a common ancestor

2.       All our shared common ancestors die

3.       If christianity is true, humans don’t die

[Therefore:  not both Christianity and evolution are true

4.       Assume the negation, both christianity and evolution are true

5.       Christianity is true from 4 simplification

6.       Evolution is true from 4 simplification

7.       It is not the case that humans die from 5 and 3 modus ponens

8.       For all x, x is a shared common ancestor from 6 and 1 modus ponens

9.       Humans share a common ancestor from 8 universal instantiation

10.   If humans share a common ancestor then humans die from 2 universal instantiation

11.   Humans die from 9 and 10 modus ponens, contradicting 7

12.   Not both christianity and evolution can be the case from 4-11 reductio ad absurdum

1.       (E > (x) Sx)

2.       (x)(Sx > Dx)

3.       (C > ~Dh)

[~(C ^. E)

4.       (C ^. E) assume the negation

5.       C from 4 simp

6.       E from 4 simp

7.       ~Dh from 5 and 3 modus ponens

8.       (x)Sx from 6 and 1 modus ponens

9.       Sh from 8 UI

10.   (Sh > Dh) from 2 UI

11.   Dh from 9 and 10 modus ponens, contradicting 7

13.   ~(C ^. E) from 4-11 reductio ad absurdum

Teen Sexting

Although teen sexting is a subject of controversy, new research suggests concern about the practice may be overblown. I think this totally depends on how hot the sext is. Are we talking penthouse letters hot or Fabio on the cover cold. We certainly don’t need Fabio inspired sexting and should do everything in our power to ensure it’s not butter.

Giving Thanks

It’s that time of year when we unbutton our pants… in order to take in more animal flesh, sugars, and carbs then retreat to the couch for competitions involving sublimated aggression, booth reviews and buxom cheerleaders. Glorious.

It is also that time of year when we are supposed to give thanks for the things we have in life. Free History lesson: this dates all the way back to Colonial America when Puritans got drunk enough on mulled cider to invite Lutherans to invite the native americans over for some mutton and millet. Godless liberals like those at NPR always forget the Lutheran middle men but without them we wouldn’t have this holiday, and for that I am thankful.

I am also thankful that pizza sauce is now a vegetable. I think I smell a new thanksgiving vegetable dish! Thank you congress! I cannot wait until bacon doughnuts become a grain. I am sure I can be thankful for that next year. No pressure congress but I’ve been good so pretty please? Please make doughnuts a grain.

I am thankful for Tim Tebow. The man just loves to give shout outs to Jesus. Yes, the savior of all mankind, the son of the supreme being that created the heavens and the earth that sent his only son to suffer and die for the sins of man by being crucified with nails driven through his wrists and feet needs “shout outs,” especially after a 3^rd down conversion. I am thankful that an option right that keys a 4^th quarter drive is on a par with crucifixion.

I am thankful for that wonderful film ‘Your Highness.’ I am thankful that the charming matinee price of $11 per ticket went to this lifeless yet humorless comedy. I am thankful I never lost my breath during this one; for some movies I laugh so hard I sometimes lose my breath and spit up coke and popcorn on the person in front of me but for this one I was able to catch up on some well deserved z’s and plot the horrible, torturous keep-alive-for-days deaths of “writer” Danny McBride and “director” David Gordon Green.

I am thankful for the occupy protests. Yes, without these, the middle class workers at the pepper spray plants would also be worrying about corporate greed and government bailouts of rich with middle class tax dollars. Not to mention the police baton crafters and wooden bullet carvers. Way to put those people to work protestors!

Lastly, I am thankful for you. Yes you, you crazy son of a bitch. How long have we been friends? God we go back a long way me and you. We have been through some tough times but man-o-man have we had some crazy times. Like that time you drank too much bourbon and olive juice and threw up on that bartender on new year’s eve. And how her bouncer boyfriend put you in the hospital by breaking your jaw away from your skull and how the hospital staff couldn’t help because you couldn’t tell them what was wrong and I was no help because I was laughing my ass off. Good time. I am bummed you can’t make it for dinner but I will surely raise a pizza sauce vegetable in your honor.

Salut!

Intelligence Cubed

In the latest Intelligence Squared U.S. debate entitled 'The World Would Be Better Off Without Religion', Dinesh D'Souza said that religion gives hope for life after death – you can face death with anxiety or with hope and it is better to do so with hope.

If there is life after death you aren’t even facing death. Death exists or it doesn’t. Life after death is an oxymoron.

And so, a conversation betwix a couple of dudes.

Viva Tod: I am stoked for heaven, I can’t wait to die.

Will Mortis: Why wait?

Viva Tod: Well I can’t kill myself, I won’t get into heaven.

Will Mortis: Ironic isn’t it.

Viva Tod: It’s not ironic.

Will Mortis: Sure it is. Heaven is better than this life and the requirement to get there is death. Yet, creating your death to get there prohibits you from getting there.

Viva Tod: I have to die a natural death, I can’t commit suicide.

Will Mortis: Why is suicide unnatural?

Viva Tod: Because life is a precious gift?

Will Mortis: If life is so precious why do we die and go to a place more precious?

Viva Tod: We don’t actually die, we just change planes.

Will Mortis: So why can’t you commit suicide if you don’t actually die?

Viva Tod: Committing suicide is a sin and won’t let me change planes.

Will Mortis: Even if the goal in mind is to be with god in the best plane created?

Viva Tod: I guess so.

Will Mortis: Ironic. I’ll take death.

New Rule!

New Rule: Bill Maher can never look at anything aesthetically pleasing ever again until he recants his “visual arts are bullshit” statement.

Now I know Bill would have all the kids major in chemistry so his weed can be more potent but Bill, what would you stare at for 3½ hours if we don’t have any visual arts programs? Elizabeth Hasslebeck’s abs?

You see Bill said that one doesn’t have to go to school for the visual arts and he is 100% correct. You don’t have to go to school for nutrition either, just look at America’s waistline for proof. You don’t have to go to school to be president, just look at G Dubya. You don’t have to go to school for anything and you can be shitty at everything, just like Bill’s America.

Now I usually like Bill but he blew this one quicker than a Charlie Sheen escort.  

Now sure, we are lacking in the STEM areas to be sure but Bill’s implicit premise that the STEM college programs are more valuable than the visual arts and that visual artists don’t need technical, formal education is as absurd as putting Christopher Hitchens and Mos Def on the same panel. Oh wait, I think Bill did that.

Maybe Bill needs a refresher course, maybe Bill doesn’t know that we kooky humans started putting visual art up some 32,000 years ago on cave walls, well before republicans hated the national endowment for the arts. Maybe Bill doesn’t know that Albert Einstein said that "The greatest scientists are artists as well."

It is truly a shame that a supposed man of reason doesn’t see the importance of collegiate visual arts programs and how the skills learned in these programs can be applied to other areas for informed, fresh perspectives but then maybe Bill has gotten a little stale.

So you can put that empty frame up on the wall Bill and you can call college visual arts programs bullshit, just close your eyes when you do it. You might want to close your nose too, because the shitty art that is going to result is going to fucking stink.

11/18/11 News You Can Use

Ashton & Demi are divorcing. Looks like the cougar and the grave robber couldn’t meet in the proverbial middle after she started receiving her social security checks and he saw his birth certificate.

Herman Cain is getting some national security. Any chicks on the force? Didn’t think so.

Obama is sending troops to Australia. Krikey! I didn’t even know they had oil.

Breaking Wind, er I mean, Breaking Dawn opens today and it is getting some horrible reviews. Some are saying it isn’t realistic enough, especially the birthing of the vampire by a nonvampire with the wolfman serving as the midwife only to then be overtaken his evil twin the germanshepherdman who insists throughout the movie that “zee bats are comingk, zee bats are comingk!”

I saw this headline 'Top 10 Tips for Black Friday Shopping Virgins' and just thought...lube.

Regis Philbin is retiring and it’s been said that he is actually willing to marinate and grill himself if Kelly Ripa would just eat something.

Pop Culture and The Fucking Tautologies

Christ almighty let it stop. Sheezus with the tautologies everywhere. People think they are communicating with this shit.

A tautology is a statement that is ALWAYS true. Always. Yes, I know you have doubts but remember…ALWAYS. You may think it is neat but it is BORING. Boring because nothing new is conveyed.

“It is what it is.”

Thank you so much. I had no idea. Let there be light. I have seen the errors of my ways. For a second there I was confused but now, well now, I know that it is what it is.

NO NEW INFORMATION IS CONVEYED! You had me at “it is” Jerry Maguire.

It’s like I’m taking crazy pills anytime I pull the qtips out of my ears.

“He is who he is.”

You hear this on sports talk radio like WEEI. Man, that was a close call. He is who he is huh? Are you telling me I had it all wrong this whole time when I was thinking that he wasn’t who he wasn’t?

Think of it this way grasshopper: If I tell you that “It is either raining or it isn’t raining” you would likely tell me to fuck off and I would deserve it. Because you already knew that and it helps in no way, shape, or form in our lives. Be it juggling, calling audibles when you see a nickel package, or making a sculpture of your package in nickel…it just doesn’t help.

But these people, these fucking people who think they are actually saying something with the “it is what it is” and the “he is who he is” statements are taking points off our collective IQ’s like oprah taking off lbs on a liquid diet.

So, I’ve decided to begin all statements with tautologies.

                You: Hello, how are you today?

                Me: I’m good or I’m not good. And you?

You: I’m good. You see that game last night? Tom Brady was great except for his out of wedlock baby.

Me: Tom Brady is who he is and the Jets defense either has it going or it doesn’t have it going.

You: You have to hand it to Belicheck though. He sure has changed his ways since the Metcalf-up-the-middle days in Cleveland.

Me: Belicheck is Belicheck and not non Belicheck and his choice of coach wear is either patriot vagabond chic or it isn’t.

You: Cool. You want to grab a bite, maybe some mutton and haggis grinders?

Me: I will or I won’t. He is who he is. It is haggis or it isn’t haggis.

MAKE IT STOP!

Captain and Officer - Reloaded

Captain: Damn I love bear claws! What’s happening with this kidnapping case?

Officer: The family received another ransom note but it was in code so we have our cryptanalysts working on it.

Captain: We have cryptanalysts?

Officer: Well, we just pooled the office to see who did Sudoku puzzles.

Captain: Great, a life hangs in the balance and we’re doing jumbles.

Officer: Word finds too.

Captain: Dammit! Did we dust the note for prints?

Officer: We did. But we used Pledge and ruined any chance of getting a print.

Captain: Dammit! Did you think it was a coffee table or a ransom note?! How’s the family holding up?

Officer: Not too good Captain. They are trying to distract themselves by doing Sudoku puzzles and they’ve rented out his room in case they figure out the ransom note and end up needing money.

Captain: More Sudoku puzzles…weird.

Officer: They’re doing word finds too.

Captain: I need another bear claw.

Standard Time (Movie Quotations)

Me: what’s up NASA? How you doin’? A lot of people want to cancel you but I just want to talk to you all right! Just kidding. That was my impression of Andy Samberg doing Mark Wahlberg. But I do seriously want to talk to you.

NASA: About what?

Me: About standard time. Standard time is bull feces. I’ve been up at 4:40am and 1:20am over the past two nights and it’s because of this standard time-turn the clocks back nonsense.

NASA: Do you know what NASA stands for?

Me: If I’m curt with you, it’s for a reason. Now clean the fucking car. Just kidding. That was my Wolf from Pulp Fiction. You do space exploration not acronym training so stay with me here flock of seagulls. Just kidding. That was my Samuel L from Pulp Fiction.

NASA: Look at the big brains on Brad.

Me: Niiiice. But back to the matter at hand. Standard time. Every year I get depressed enough to watch Bergman movies and I go to bed at 6:30 every night and I eat my weight in marbled meats and brown sugar clumps. And it’s all because of standard time.

NASA: Pork chops taste good…bacon tastes good. What is your issue with NASA? You seem to have Seasonal Affective Disorder. You might want to see a physician, not an astronaut.

Me: Yeah right, like I’m going to go see some symptom treating physician who got his medical degree in the Philippines when I can get go straight to the cause. I crap bigger than you. Just kidding. That was my Jack Palance from City Slickers.

NASA: There’s gonna be bursting?! What do you mean the cause? NASA doesn’t cause the earth to tilt on its axis. Maybe you need a refresher course (Fletch line) on why winter happens.

Me: I need a refresher course like I need an infected scrotum. No, you don’t cause the earth to tilt on its axis but you do go up in orbit and the last time I checked we still made mirrors. So, you and your boys need to getcher asses up in orbit and position some big pier one mirrors or something up there so’s I can get some damn sunlight at 5pm in November. I’m not asking for the tropics here, just some daylight Captain Stubing.

NASA: Yeah well, Gopher and Doc are making another run and Isaac told me we get our big mirrors from Target so you are shit out of luck Marky Mark.

Me: What we’ve got here is, failure to communicate. Some Nassholes you just can’t reach.

The Allegory of the Basement

Many philosophers have pondered the depths of the human psyche; wading through sewage infested thoughts and amoral impulses only to find that way down, in the deepest, blackest, coldest bottom of bottoms, a clown.

A very funny clown that just cracks them up with a series of delightful displays utilizing everything from a squirting flower to a whoopee cushion. And just when we are all happy and carefree the clown hops on his funny bicycle and rides off toward the unsuspecting sunset only to be leveled by a greyhound bus steered by a texting Bill O’Reilly. So the philosophers, having figured it all out, trudge back up the stairs in silence to break the confines of the basement and realize the light of day. A light so piercing and illuminating that they, for the first time, see the world as it is, just like in Plato’s Allegory of the Cave. They see you, they see me, they see John Stewart and Eric Stoltz and the hot dog vendor and a hooker with a terrible fashion sense and then, off in the distance, they see a clown, on a bike, oozing toward them, ever so slowly, illuminated more and more they shield their eyes to find…Bill O’Reilly in the clown suit having a grand old time. He squirts all with his flower and all revel in the levity as he pops a wheelie on his bike.

Till Woody Allen steps in…

Gotcha!

My blog makes me want to throw up. I think it is because of the word “blog” itself. What is, or what are, the grammatical rules for “itself?” Am I using quotation marks correctly?

Does Herman Cain know the capital of ubeki bebki becki stan? http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=zmkvtfEEFT0

So many questions for a potential leader of this great nation. So many hilarious answers.

Mary Katherine didn't help with Confession

Please hold for a Verizon Wireless sales representative to assist you with your order. Thank you for your patience.

You are now chatting with 'Mary Katherine'

Mary Katherine: Hello. Thank you for visiting our chat service.  May I help you with your order today?

You: i may want to switch to verizon from t-mobile and already have verizon cable

You: any deals?

You: can i get my old phone #?

Mary Katherine: I will be happy to help you make the switch.  Is your old phone number still active?

You: it is but what kind of cost?

Mary Katherine: There is no charge to port your number over.  How many lines do you need?

You: 1 line. but how much would a cell plan be? i am very mindful of cost with my 1st child on the way.

Mary Katherine: We need to find the right plan for you before we can get a price.  That is why I am asking you questions to determine this.  I will get the pricing for you once we have the information we need.  Would 450 minutes be enough for you?

You: it should be

Mary Katherine: You can get that for $39.99.  Texting is $5 for 250, $10 for 500, $20 for unlimited.  Which would you prefer?

You: this is per month?

Mary Katherine: Yes, that is correct.

You: $10 for 500

You: might all this include a phone upgrade? mine is so old it uses a 9volt battery.

Mary Katherine: We can get you a new Free phone today.

Mary Katherine: Are you looking for a smartphone (requires $30 data package minimum)  or a basic phone?

You: free is my favorite cost

Mary Katherine: Mine too.

You: $30 on top of the 39.99? then basic. like basic training for marines at paris island

Mary Katherine: Would you like a full keyboard or a flip phone?

You: flip like what you do with a pancake when you see bubbles. that is the time to flip and not before

Mary Katherine: Thanks for the insight.  Do you need removable memory on the phone?

You: i dunno. do you mean smart card?

You: i don't think so.

Mary Katherine: Ok.  I recommend the LG revere.  It is a new flip device and it is on sale for free today.  I will get you the link.

Mary Katherine: CLick Here

You: ty. will all of this come with my cable bill?

Mary Katherine: Once you get the services started you can have the two bills combined into one.

Mary Katherine: Were you able to open that link?

You: i was. checking it out

Mary Katherine: It is a really sturdy device.  Basic and easy to use. It has a camera and large numbers.  Sorry you can't see it opened. For some reason that picture is not available for that phone.

You: i saw it opened. is there any incentive combining with the cable bill. this is close to what i pay t-mobile andwas hoping to save a few bucks since my kid will need baby food and shots and stuff

Mary Katherine: I know what you mean. I am a single mother and babies can be expensive.  Right now, I can not tell you if there is a bundling discount for combining that service, but customer care will be able to let you know.  Would you like that number?

You: i could probably find it on the web page. maybe at&t has something

Mary Katherine: Maybe. Just in case, though, the number is 1-800-922-0204.  I say check with them before you switch to another different carrier, at least to compare the prices.  There may be a discount.

Mary Katherine: I am glad that I could go over what we have available online for you today.

Mary Katherine: Is there anything else I can do for you?

Mary Katherine: I have not heard from you for a while. Do you still need assistance?

You: i guess not. i feel like i have a sense of what you all offer compared to t-mobile. but i recently got out of my contract with them so I feel like verizon might be a rebound phone and I may end up having some "old feelings" for t-mobile. But the thought of something new is also intriguing but like most new things it'll dig into your wallet and my wallet is dusty with nothing but bus cards and bible quotes. man I don't know what to do.

Mary Katherine: It has been a pleasure chatting with you today.

Mary Katherine: Thank you for visiting Verizon Wireless, I look forward to speaking with you again.  Have a great day!

Your chat session has been ended by your Verizon Wireless online agent.

41

human beings return to this cosmic atomic dance when we die and that there is no religiously sanctioned afterlife; and, finally, that joy in existence — not suffering, or atoning or endurance — is the point of life.

Remember City Slickers with Billy Crystal? And how death was his favorite subject? Well I think death is pretty close to being one of my favorite subjects. But, because I read Leo Buscaglia at such a sensitive age, I don’t brood over death. Or was it Heidegger? Either way, I don’t brood over death because I am too busy living. While I’m busy not brooding, I’m thinking…about death. I believe, like Lucretius above, that I die- especially on my birthday. Today is my birthday. 41 years on this watered planet. I end. You end. We end. They end.

And who is it that cannot cry a little? Don’t fear the range of your emotions, explore them. Walk around a little and see where it takes you. Just like our species couldn’t survive if we made babies we couldn’t birth, we don’t possess emotions we can’t handle. Is this true? Tis probably a grey area but roll with it for a minute.

How would you live if you knew you were going to die? Well today is my birthday and I’ll pretty much do what I typically do: a little gee-tar, work, break a sweat, read, write, crack a joke, take a shit. But everything will have a little more oomph today. Just realized oomph doesn’t come up on spell check. Just realized my shit will have a little more oomph. Dear diary…

Maybe I’ll do an atomic dance today. Maybe I’ll suffer and endure today. And maybe, just maybe, I’ll be joyous today. Notice that I don’t indicate that joy will happen to me; joy will happen from me. As soon as I leave work.

“Are we doing ok here?”

Have you seen the Corona flight commercial where the flight attendant asks the Ambien faced-twenty something-dressed for happy hour  passenger “Are we doing ok here? “

And, with corona in hand, through a buzz hazed stare answers “Absolutely.”

How about a little truth in advertising Corona?

“Are we doing ok here?”

“Mindy, I’m in coach. If my knees were any closer to my face I would auto fellate.  You can bring me as many of these $7 cervezas as you want but it won’t change the fact that I won’t feel my shins till I arrive in Akron for the rubber tire convention. Sure, I’m drunk but my nose still works and this “salesman” next to me reeks of cheap, burrito-infused vodka with just a hint of Atlanta Georgia prostitute. And unless I want to fork over $20 to you and your emergency floor lighting cronies I’ll have to subsist on this massive bag of peanuts for the next 3 hours, assuming we get off this tarmac in the next 2 hours. By the way, I have to urinate but because you and Blaine are busy bartending I have to hold it until the turbulence kicks in and works on my bladder like a paint shaker. Then I can bounce off the chairs till I arrive at my final destination at the front of the plane in front of the 1^st classers asleep on their recliners; at which point I’ll take a huge beer-peanut infested dump and leave the door open so it can waft up their 1^st class noses. So don’t ask me if we are doing ok here because unless “we” join the mile high club I just want to pass out IF you don’t mind. Buh-bye.”

Who Wants A Jetpack? I do I do!

The first commercial jetpack will sell as early as next year. They'll go for $100,000 and make your dreams of flying come true.

The hard part will be the line at the DMV.

8/26/11 monologue

Hurricane Irene will be pounding the east coast this weekend.

This hurricane is so big forecasters are saying it has been eating American food and not exercising for the past 20 years.

And get this, a new study says that half of U.S. adults will be obese by 2030.

The other half of adults will be lap band recipients. So you see, it all evens out.

Astronomers have discovered a planet made of diamond. Diamond.

            In related news NASA has received a very sizable donation from Tiffany’s.

The hits just keep coming. Mr. 3000 hits Derek Jeter and his girlfriend of 3 years, Minka Kelly split up. Reports are saying that it the break-up was amicable.

Yankee skipper Joe Girardi, who is very close to his shortstop, comforted his team captain by saying “what’s this amicable thing? You want me to break his kneecaps?”

WWWSD?

Albert Schweitzer talked about a reverence for life. George Carlin skewered our so-called sanctity of life. Leonard Cohen wrote that Jesus sank beneath your wisdom like a stone. Walter Sobchak might ask, What’s yer point dude?

Here’s the point for all the Walters of the world. Nothing is objective and nothing is the only thing that is objective. And so in the end, or as Martin Heidegger called it, at bottom, we are left with subjectivity. Say it with me: subjectivity.

Now I know that scares the livin’ shit out of a lot of you. Your fear is unfounded my friends. Why is it unfounded Obi Wan? In two words: the past.

Reach back through the anus of history and you’ll…wait… annals, I mean annals of history… and you’ll find that nothing was objective. Take any moral precept you like and you’ll find that it was violated ad nauseam. How you like them apples? I just used the phrase ad nauseam in a sentence!

You may say a la Samuel Jackson “well allow me to retort.” You may quote Sgt Waters’ from ‘A Soldier’s Story’ and say that “not havin’ is no reason for not gittin’.” And you may say that the past doesn’t determine the future.

But time “don’t work that way yo.” Time is a lake you’re swimming in with all three swooshing around you constantly. And this lake “don’t be havin no objective moral precepts yo.” So my little Walters, you are left to swim around with the carp and catfish and you’ll undoubtedly end up with some sort of rash.

But the recent amoralist in the NY Times hit the nail on the head, or maybe he hit the bottle, I don’t really care. The point Walter is that we are left to our own devices. OUR OWN DEVICES. Sometimes it’s mercy and sometimes it’s an M-16.

8/17/11 monologue

Teen apparel retailer Abercrombie & Fitch Co. has offered to pay Jersey Shore cast member Michael "The Situation" Sorrentino not to wear its merchandise.

Abercrombie & Fitch want to be clear on this, they still want him to wear clothes. Just not their clothes. They fear the orange may rub off.

Three out of four high school graduates aren’t fully prepared for college and likely need to take at least one remedial class, according to the latest annual survey from the nonprofit testing organization ACT.

Four out of four didn’t know that three fourths is 75%. I think they are watching too much Jersey Shore [fist pump].

There's never an ideal time for a presidential vacation. But President Barack Obama's sojourn this week to Martha's Vineyard - known as a playground for the wealthy and well-connected - comes in the wake of the nation's first-ever credit rating downgrade.

If the prez can’t take a vaca then the downgraders have won. It’s not like the lobster is going to knock us down to a C-. That is for freshman taking the ‘Reading Good’ class.

Apple has been sued by a group of about 27000 South Koreans seeking $26 million in compensation for what they feel are privacy violations.

Just because Apple knows where you are 24/7 doesn’t mean your privacy has been violated. Just ask any married man.

An airline passenger says her Paris-to-Dublin flight was delayed nearly two hours after celebrated French actor Gerard Depardieu urinated on the plane ahead of takeoff.

                Sacre bleu! In his defense, Gerard could not fit into the airplane restroom.

Michelle Bachmann Photographer Tries His Best

I feel for the photographer on this one. Remember how she never looked at the camera for an entire rebuttal. Imagine only getting 5 minutes. “please look this way, right into the camera, no not up there! Why are you looking up there? Here right in here [points at camera lens]. Still with the skyward glance. Look in the lens, there’s a picture of Obamacare in there.”

8/4/11 monologue

Maybe you have heard about the Best Running Away Letter Ever. Here we include it with the original spelling:

"I am runing away becas you think I farted when I dident. PS You are Mean."

I hate to break it to you kid but terrible farts follow you wherever you go. Wait till you start drinking cheap beer.

Dolly Parton has issued a personal apology for an incident at her park Dollywood involving a patron wearing a t-shit that read “marriage is so gay.” In a statement she said:

“We do have a policy about profanity or controversial messages on clothing or signs. It is to protect the individual wearing or carrying them, as well as to keep down fights or problems by those opposed to it at the park."

When your theme park has to keep down fights, it might be a redneck. I guess they don’t mow the grass at Dollywood to make the patrons feel at home.

Thelma Levett made a replica of Kate Middleton’s wedding dress… (wait for it) out of 5,000 balloons.

Source have neither confirmed nor disconfirmed if there is a certain dog shaped balloon in a certain area.

8/3/11 monologue

Leonardo DiCaprio is the Highest-Paid Actor in Hollywood. Leo took in an estimated $77 million last year.

Did you know that Leo got his start on Growing Pains? Let’s see how Kirk Cameron is doing. Oh wait, I’m getting word that Kirk is debating Stephen Hawking on  whether or not Jesus rode dinosaurs to warn of the british coming.           

Speaking of the british coming, the Alaska hair salon made famous for Sarah Palin's up-do is getting the reality show treatment in a two-part series to be aired in September on TLC.

Doesn’t TLC stand for The Learning Channel? What exactly are we learning from Sarah Palin’s hair stylists? We get it, she’s got hair and you shape it. TLC ought to stand for The Lowest Common Denominator. “We’s learning so good from this channel that we’s can just skip the gardenkinder and goes straights to college.”

Former Playmate and Hugh Hefner ex-girlfriend Kendra Wilkinson has gotten up in the grill of another Hef-ex, Crystal Harris. Take a listen:

"At first I was really proud," Wilkinson says. "I was like, 'Wow, she's being classy about things.' But then lately, she's just like totally running her mouth and it's hard."

Mmm, that’s hard core right there. Cuz like and you know like, wow. It is hard Kendra. Hard for you to speak and hard for me to listen.  After hearing these women talk, no wonder it’s hard for Hef to get hard.

8/2/11 monologue

66-year-old Helen Mirren beat Elle MacPherson, and Jennifer Lopez and Pippa Middleton for the title of "Body of the Year," according to a survey of 2,000 people.

                This begs the question, What Year? 1926? Stop surveying AARP so much. Sheesh.

Oh and get this shocker, a small amount of exercise is good for your heart. Yeah I know, crazy.

Research shows that even small amounts of aerobic exercise helps lower coronary heart disease risk, according to a review published Monday in the journal of the American Heart Association.

It has not been determined if getting the remote control off the coffee table constitutes a small amount of exercise.

               

Ashton Kutcher has been slammed for his "over-the-top" two-story trailer on the sets of 'Two and Half Men'.

               

Oh big deal, so it has a spiral staircase, walk-in closets, breakfast nook, cinema room, fireplace lounge, and covered patio with koi pond and lap pool. If Ashton becomes any more of a diva he’ll need breast enhancement. Sheesh.

Police say there was more on the menu than lattes during the late shift at a Dunkin' Donuts in northern New Jersey. A 29-year-old female is facing prostitution charges after police say she took breaks to provide sex in exchange for money.

“Hey boss, fellatio break?” I’m wondering what code was through the drive thru? “Yes I’ll have a sesame bagel, because I like it when the sesame seeds fall into my lap.” Actually, the worst part of this story is that the police investigation was known as "extra sugar."

               

And finally, Ohio University was named the Nation's Top Party School.

Administrators are saying the research isn’t scientific enough. What part of 6 foot bong don’t they get? Partiers have trading cards with booze stats there and the annual Halloween party is subsidized in part by High Times magazine and Trojan condoms. I think it’s safe to say they  party there.