8/3/11 monologue

Leonardo DiCaprio is the Highest-Paid Actor in Hollywood. Leo took in an estimated $77 million last year.

Did you know that Leo got his start on Growing Pains? Let’s see how Kirk Cameron is doing. Oh wait, I’m getting word that Kirk is debating Stephen Hawking on  whether or not Jesus rode dinosaurs to warn of the british coming.           

Speaking of the british coming, the Alaska hair salon made famous for Sarah Palin's up-do is getting the reality show treatment in a two-part series to be aired in September on TLC.

Doesn’t TLC stand for The Learning Channel? What exactly are we learning from Sarah Palin’s hair stylists? We get it, she’s got hair and you shape it. TLC ought to stand for The Lowest Common Denominator. “We’s learning so good from this channel that we’s can just skip the gardenkinder and goes straights to college.”

Former Playmate and Hugh Hefner ex-girlfriend Kendra Wilkinson has gotten up in the grill of another Hef-ex, Crystal Harris. Take a listen:

"At first I was really proud," Wilkinson says. "I was like, 'Wow, she's being classy about things.' But then lately, she's just like totally running her mouth and it's hard."

Mmm, that’s hard core right there. Cuz like and you know like, wow. It is hard Kendra. Hard for you to speak and hard for me to listen.  After hearing these women talk, no wonder it’s hard for Hef to get hard.

7/27/11 monologue

Hugh Hefner has been left humiliated after ex-fiance Crystal Harris spoke in-depth about the couple's sex life during a radio interview on Howard Stern's 'Sirius XM' show.  Yeah, she said he “lasted two seconds.”

I don’t know what Crystal is complaining about. Do you really want it to be longer than two seconds with Grandpa? In related news, Crystal said that her shopping sprees lasted two days and left her legs shaking.

The house belonging to The Dude in the cult 1998 comedy The Big Lebowski is up for sale.

Possible buyers are being advised that, while the rug really ties the room together, it has been soiled. Some folks who have viewed the house commented on the numerous Creedence tapes lying around.

McDonald's announced Tuesday that it would make the standard child's Happy Meal more healthful.

                Which is weird because they did it by taking the happy meal off the menu.

A lesbian couple is asking for changes at the Dollywood theme park after an employee asked one of the women to turn her T-shirt reading "marriage is so gay" inside-out to avoid offending others.

Park officials failed to mention that wearing the wrong NASCAR shirt could get some visitors murdered at the park.