Tuesday, February 21, 2012

Quiz Time

A remarkable investigation by Los Angeles Times reports that the Academy Awards voting members are 94 percent Caucasian and 77 percent male. Only 2 percent are African American, and less than 2 percent are Latino. Their median age is 62, and only 14 percent are younger than 50.
     This explains the Soul Plane Oscar snub.
     If the Oscars were any whiter, they’d get Billy Crystal to host…oh wait.

Dominique Strauss-Kahn, the former head of the International Monetary Fund spent Tuesday sitting in a police interrogation room in north-east France being quizzed about a prostitution ring and allegations of fraud.
Is this what the police do in france? Quiz suspects? “Monsieur Kahn, say two prostitutes are charging you $1000 each and $2000 each per ménage à troi, if you have 2 ménage à troi’s and a round the world from each, how much do you owe?”
Edvard Munch's The Scream – is to be sold by Sotheby's in New York. The auction house said it could fetch more than $80m which would make it one of the most expensive artworks ever sold at auction.
And for those of you playing at home, no, this isn’t so expensive because he cut off his ear!

Ancient Plant Scientists regenerated this Sylene stenophylla plant from seeds buried by a squirrel 30000 years ago.
Said High Times magazine, “You think those squirrels stashed some killer bud some cave men toked on? Dude!”

Quiz Time

Wednesday, February 15, 2012

News Knows Nose Knews

Braless wife beater shirts should have been listed in the credits at the end of the dance movie Honey with Jessica Alba. They had more screen time than Yoda in The Empire Strikes Back.
Adele’s 21 has almost 40000 reviews on itunes. Do people work anymore? The infrastructure is crumbling and Joe Construction writes “5 stars! Adele made me believe in music again. I’ll be rolling in the deep for a long time.”
Hugh Hefner’s son is a misogynist and water is wet. But what are his turn offs? Bad breath, 80’s rock, and Dad’s pajama collection.
Bill o’Reilly took the opportunity to beat a dead hoarse when he said that newly deceased Whitney Houston “wanted to kill herself.” Way to give em time to grieve Billy. The body isn’t even cold and Billy is jabbing it with a shark hook and spreading falafel all over it.
Kate Upton graces the cover on SI’s swimsuit issue. There is also a blurb in the issue about the NFL cancelling the next 8 seasons and replacing itself with badminton.

Tuesday, February 14, 2012

Swimsuit Issue Valentine

cupid got drunk and overslept
missed his alarm and never drew a bead
unloved lovers wept, male chauvinists never planted their seeds
but just in time the swimsuit issue hit the stands
with enough T & A to chafe even the most lubed of hands
and so the mating calls went unheard, drowned in darkened basements, the sticky pages more assured
instead of raising the species the sweat socks are stained, tis a horrifying refrain
the fires of love won’t be lit but the laptops warmly glow
but Cupid’s drunk again, he’ll never know

Friday, February 10, 2012

Top 10 Catholic Church vs U.S. Government Moments

10. Chess Match of 83. U.S. Government wins with stunning rook to kings 4 despite divine intervention.
9. Food stamps used to purchase bottled water only to be transubstantiated into wine, millions drunk. Chalk one up for the Catholic church.
8. Hilary Clinton ordained as priestess of white house functions, despite Catholic resistance.
7. White House football game vs US Bishops turns nasty when Bishop Barkley late hits Colin Powell.
6. John F Kennedy confesses to “bangin’ a ton of broads” despite Washington DC Diocese calling for infidelity truce.
5. Gay marriage legalized causing numerous priests to leave the church for careers in home décor.
4. Even though Pope John Paul recognizes the legitimacy of evolution, still feels that Bonobos in U.S. Zoos should practice the rhythm method.
3. US Government subsidized rosary beads only to find out garlic is better at warding off vampires.
2. National Guard Troops ordered to storm Georgetown University after allowing Villanova to shoot something like 80% from the field in NCAA Championship Game.
1. Catholic priests protest law requiring all mass wine be a Beaujolais by sit-in outside the Lincoln memorial drunk on Pinot. Law overturned.

Thursday, February 9, 2012

Top 10 Helicopter Parent Enablings

Top 10 Helicopter Parent Enablings
10. Kindergarten teacher conference winds up in a $50 bribe for more duck duck goose time.
9. Tee ball coach fellated for shortstop and hitting clean-up in the batting order.
8. Santa and His Elves 4th grade play rehearsal interrupted by “My son needs to know his motivation!” during completely silent toy making scene.
7. Swim lessons endure awkward silence as mother walks along swimming son while holding a starbucks mug.
6. Neighbor Cody’s birthday party ruined by father insisting every child be given a chance to blow out candles and insisting there are no losers in twister game.
5. First kiss with Caitlin incredibly weird with father in basement giving lips-on, tongue-in instruction.
4. Driving course creates even more anxiety with mother insisting on riding in the back and having another brake pedal installed in the back.
3. Father’s electrical engineering degree put to use involving cell phone and ask jeeves cite for SAT cheating plan.
2. First intercourse with Caitlin incredibly weird with father in basement giving hands-on, penis-in instruction.
1. Son’s 3rd grade teacher job compromised as mother interrupts parent teacher conference offering $300 bribe to parents to amend their son’s evaluation.

Monday, February 6, 2012

Top 10 Reasons to fire Bill Belichick

10. Only well-paid artists should look homeless.
9. He doesn’t use Kraft condiments.
8. He made Giselle cry.
7. He obviously loves the media too much to focus on x’s and o’s.
6. He made Mark Sanchez look like a decent quarterback.
5. Cleveland may be hiring.
4. Already playing a dangerous game taking an interview with a very hungry Glen Ordway from WEEI.
3. For ruining Drew Bledsoe’s legacy.
2. Blowing the Big Game. And by Big Game we mean the “actor” that goes by the name Big Game.
1. He was spotted watching Madonna’s halftime show instead of delivering a heartfelt, motivational shower with Vince Wilfork.