5/23/11 monologue

Mahmoud Ahmadinejad has accused Western countries of plotting to "cause drought" in Iran by using high tech equipment to drain the clouds of raindrops. Mahmoud, if the west could drain clouds, could you imagine the plumbing fees? And you thought running a snake down your toilet fix was expensive?

New York City has banned smoking in all public parks, beaches and pedestrian plazas. The ban will be enforced by a $50 fine. New York is getting tough. This fine is only to be slightly outdone by the $100 fine for vehicular homicide.

If Maria Shriver decides to file for divorce from Arnold Schwarzenegger, the payout could put Tiger Woods' $110 million divorce to shame. Get ready to see Arnold in some movies fast folks. He’ll be thrusting through action flicks quicker than he thrusts through a maid staff.

The much-mocked hat worn by Princess Beatrice to Britain's royal wedding last month -- widely described as looking like a toilet seat — sold for $131,000 on eBay. The hat looks like a toilet seat, which means the head below looks like a turd.

5/20/11

The Queen of England won over the Dublin doubters who thought the four-day trip to Ireland would simply be an extravagant, expensive tour by an archaic, arrogant monarch. Yeah, apparently she did it by getting “real” with the Irish. In some related news, the Queen of England needs a liver transplant. Guess she got a little too real with the Irish.  

Get this, prices at gas pump painful for 4 in 10 Americans. I had no idea 6 in 10 americans rode mopeds. 

In some exciting news, Playboy has launched a digital subscription service for the Ipad where the entire back catalogue of issues can be viewed by the salivating public. No better place to view porn than on the subway I always say. No need to imagine Kim Kardashian’s ass before I frotterize.

Sarah Palin's eldest son, Track, 22, recently married his high school sweetheart, Britta, 21, in a small ceremony in Hatcher Pass, Alaska. "Track and Britta," for when you’re thirsty during your workout.  I can’t wait to welcome their children "Ramp and Cello."

The Oregon Supreme Court unanimously ruled Thursday that a retired school bus driver can have her medical marijuana and a concealed handgun, too. Don’t get excited folks, I guarantee she turns the gun into a bong. Guarantee it!

What is everyone wearing for the apocolypse?

5/19/11 monologue

Looks like things are turning around for Newt Gingrich. Maybe you’ve seen that a protestor dumped glitter on him.

But this is exciting for Newt because his campaign managers want to make lemonade out of lemons so they are trying to get Newt on the next episode of Glee. He’s going to break into Sky Rockets in Flight.

Are you ready for the apocalypse? Predictions from a small American religious sect have gained widespread attention. They predict that May 21, 2011 is “Judgment Day” based on adding up dates in the bible.

Stephen Hawking checked their math and came to the conclusion that Kirk Cameron is a douche. Who knew you could prove that with math?

In clown news, Ronald McDonald, the orange and white face of McDonalds is under attack by nutrition advocates who want him to be retired.

In related news, the Hamburgler will become the face of McDonalds’ new Steal My Meat’ campaign. I think it needs a little work.

In Movie news, Jodie Foster’s Beaver got a standing ovation in Cannes.

The French. Cmon show some class. In America we respect our filmmakers for their art, not their pets.

The Olsen twins showed up at the new york premier of Woody Allen’s new film. But, as you can see, being the great method actors they are, they never broke character from their roles as dying vampires for the latest twilight film: ‘The Blood Drought’

5/18/11 monologue

Danish director Lars von Trier gave a shocking press conference for his new film Melancholia in which he admitted to being a Nazi and to understanding Hitler.

In future news, the movie Melancholia had the worst opening ever. It raked in less than Crossroads with Brittany Spears. Even Mel Gibson told Lars to tone it down a bit.

In some more pseudo anti-Semitic news, inspired by Facebook an Israeli couple named their daughter ‘Like’.

Can you imagine reprimanding Like? Do you use the middle name when you are really angry? Like Poke Konigsburg you get over here right now! The Winklevoss twins don’t like Like.

A retired prison guard from Wisconsin in the US has eaten his 25000th hamburger, 39 years to the day since he ate his first nine.

That’s 6410 burgers a year, 17 burgers a day. This guy’s blood type is special sauce. In homage to the Wisconsin native, Brett Farvre sent him a picture of his own meat.

In related news, an Egyptian princess who lived more than 3500 years ago is the oldest known person to have had clogged arteries, dispelling the myth that heart disease is a product of being a prison guard.

5/17/11 monologue

It appears the mussels from Brussels also likes the bearded clams.  Arnold Schwarzenegger fathered a baby with a member of his household staff, and that is what sent Skelator, er I mean Maria Shriver packing. The help Arnold?  We have a pic of her.

Former Massachusetts Gov. Mitt Romney pulled in an eye-popping $10.3 million during a national fundraising effort Monday…

or as Bill Gates calls it, loose change.

Researchers believe that they have found the exact master gene that causes obesity.

Man it is such good news that overeating and never exercising don’t cause obesity. I think I’ll get a pizza and follow it with fried dough and catch a Baywatch marathon.

Folks are fired up that on a Queen Liza’s visit to Ireland the military stopped a bus and defused a "viable device" found inside.

This is an overreaction folks. For the irish this is just a part of happy hour. Erin go boom!

Gotta love sports fans. Carlos Santana went off at the annual Civil Rights game about the Arizona immigration law and told fans that: “The people of Arizona, and the people of Atlanta, Georgia, you should be ashamed of yourselves. This law is not correct. It's a cruel law, actually.”

                At which point one fan yelled out that “so is a duet with Michelle Branch.”

White People Blues (in Ab)

White People Blues (in Ab)

Banana Republic ran out of khakis

And the espresso machine is jammed

repeat

I have to pay junior’s fraternity dues

I’ve got those white people blues

Hootie and the Blowfish broke up

NBC cancelled my favorite show

repeat

So many desserts at Cracker Barrel I just can’t choose

I’ve got those white people blues

I can’t dance

My volkswagon jetta needs waxed

repeat

My offshore interest accounts have me so confused

I’ve got those white people blues

                BRIDGE

                My wife wants to go to the caymen’s

                My kids want the azores

                Hard to find time to golf

                When you’re tanning on distant shores, you know I’ve got those

White people blues

5/16/11 Monologue

Mike Huckabee said that he won't run for president in 2012. Mike knows the truth people. No one is going to beat Obama after offing Osama. Mike also knows the truth that one day long ago, children rode dinosaurs like ponies.

British scientist Stephen Hawking has branded heaven a "fairy story" for people afraid of the dark – looks like somebody won’t be getting new legs in the afterlife. Stephen you might be a physics genius but there are no wheelchair ramps in heaven dude.

"Boston Rob," won Survivor: Redemption Island on Sunday night. “Cleveland Chuck” won a gift certificate to Dave and Busters.

5/13/11 monologue

Ashton Kutcher signed a deal last night to replace Charlie Sheen on television's top-rated sitcom.

I don’t think Chuck is taking the news too well. He was so depressed he only got a midget hooker and a warlock lunch box full of blow. I think Ashton better watch his back. And I don’t even mean from his Dad Bruce Willis.

Dugan Smith wasn't going to let a little thing like bone cancer stop him from playing baseball. So when doctors told him they would have to reattach his leg backwards in order to allow it to keep growing, he said yes.

This is great for Dugan but he keeps stealing home plate. From the dugout!

Matthew Maldanado's parents were told he'd be big — but even their doctor was stunned when he weighed 14 lbs.

I know guys think they’re tough but if you want an analog for this fellas, try passing a beach ball filled with quarters next time you urinate. Serious question: when is the next time this woman can have sex? Serious question: will her husband need penis enlargement a la ex Dallas Cowboys coach Jimmy Johnson?

Rapper Common is under fire for some of his lyrics. I think we should give artists like Common artistic license here. Because when Queen Latifah makes you look like a bad actor, you should be able to rap about anything you want.

5/11/11 monologue

Navy officials have suspended recent guidance that would have allowed chaplains to perform weddings for same-sex couples at on-base facilities.

The sailor from the Village People has called this a travesty of justice and is demanding Ted Haggard return his anchor-themed thong.

A Puerto Rican man was arrested by federal agents, 25 years after robbing $7 million from a Wells Fargo Depot in Connecticut.

                In related news, there was actually a puerto rican man in Connecticut in 1986!
Lady Gaga has teamed up with social gaming giant Zynga to promote and celebrate her new album Born This Way ahead of its May 23 launch. This will allow people to interact with a Lady Gaga-inspired farm in the Zynga game FarmVille.
                Who knew that “born this way” referred to being born a capitalist bovine? Bovine I say.

Lindsay Lohan will officially plead no contest to misdemeanor theft tomorrow -- TMZ has learned -- but Lindsay won't be showing up in court.

                Who shows up for a misdemeanor theft case anyway? Winona Ryder you say.

More than 23000 people will soon be notified by their internet service providers that their subscriber information is being turned over to lawyers suing over illegal downloading of the 2010 Sylvester Stallone flick The Expendables.

               

There is no way 23000 people watched this movie in its entirety. They should be sued based on the minutes watched. In which case Sly Stallone will only owe them $23000. This movie was so bad Indiana Jones and the Kingdom of the Crystal Skulls met up with Breakin II Electric Boogaloo to celebrate their slide from the Top 10 movies that induce suicide.

5/10/11 monologue

After a 25-year marriage as one of the nation's leading power couples in Hollywood and politics, Arnold Schwarzenegger and Maria Shriver have split up.

Now some nasty rumors are flying fast that Arnold’s heath is an issue but trust me, it’s naht a toomah.

Speaking of horrible rumors, Newt Gingrich is running for president.

Mike Huckabee doesn’t believe in evolution and Newt Gingrich doesn’t believe in marital fidelity. I think we have the republican ticket. It’s like Newt thinks every next wife is the missing link. 

Four planets will cluster together next week.  Jupiter will hang low in the sky, along with Venus, Mars and Mercury.

Sources report that Pluto has issued a statement saying “blow me.”

Some Canadian women organized the first Toronto SlutWalk. They did so after a police officer told a group of students that women should not dress like sluts if they want to avoid being sexually assaulted. This gives a whole new meaning to a pride parade.  And get this, Further SlutWalks are planned in the states of Arizona, California, Colorado, Florida, Georgia, Illinois, Indiana, Louisiana, Maine, Maryland, Michigan, Nevada, New Jersey, New Mexico, New York, North Carolina, Oregon, Pennsylvania, Texas, Utah, Washington and Wisconsin.

I just have one thing to say, ROAD TRIP!

5/9/11 monologue

Videos out now provide revealing images of what Osama bin Laden's life may have been like while he was in hiding. Not surprisingly, in the longest clip, he watches coverage of himself on television.

The only thing missing was “hi mom” to the camera.

Phil Jackson is calling it a career, ending the most successful run by any coach in NBA history. We’re going to miss Phil.

Kobe Bryant is so upset of Phil’s retirement he is going to buy his wife a ring.

The home alone house is for sale but I think it is going to go fast.

Joe Pesci is going to buy it and burn it to the ground. That thing killed his career.

Longshot Animal Kingdom won Kentucky Derby but the real news is Kate Gosselin's Derby Hat.

Looks like Man o War had too many mint juleps and defecated on Kate’s head.

An unruly passenger on board an American Airlines flight bound for San Francisco had to be subdued by two retired law-enforcement officers after he began yelling and pounding on the cockpit door.

                Either this guy mistook a valium for a laxative or he really like movies with gladiators.

5/6/11 monologue

Thor opens this weekend. Thor is cast out of the fantastic realm of Asgard for his arrogance, and is sent to Earth to live among humans where he falls in love with scientist Jane Foster ,learns some much-needed lessons, and his newfound strength comes into play as a villain from his homeland sends dark forces toward Earth.

Yeah, unless Natalie Portman kisses another woman, I’m going to see Hobo With A Shotgun.

Yesterday thousands thronged the barricades in effort to get as close as possible to President Obama while he visited the hallowed site of Ground Zero.

Yeah, it looked like the old footage of girls crying over the Beatles but in this case every republican in the world was crying.

Yer boy, Nic Cage is off the hook in his domestic abuse case. Cage, who was arrested in New Orleans last month after arguing on the street with his wife while allegedly drunk, will not face charges.

This is good news for Nic but it hurts his chances to star in Thor II: Staple Gun. Actually, can Nic Cage hurt his image? Is it possible? If Nic Cage was found to be assisting al qaeda, wouldn’t we know that he was phoning that in too?

'JetMan' plans flight over Arizona's Grand Canyon. Yeah, this guy straps a rocket to his back and wants to try going over the grand canyon.

               

What could go wrong right? Let’s ask Eval Knieval. Wait, wait…I’m getting word that Eval won’t be able to comment because after his jump, they could not find his mouth.

And lastly, humble Best Buy employee Roger Kline was terminated from his position after he tackled a man who was running from the store with stolen computers.

Yeah, and to add insult to injury, he was fined from the NFL for going to the head. I want Roger Kline to be the star of Thor III: Tool Belt.

5/5/11 monologue

Well, President Obama decided not to release a photo of Osama bin Laden because the photo is too graphic. Has the president seen a CBS crime show? Between the crime shows and the movie 300 there’s enough blood to sate the twilight vampires. Totally team Edward.

Apple has released a software update to fix a glitch that saw iPhones and iPads secretly record owners' movements. Yeah, the software update comes in a pill that you swallow.

A provocative European study suggests that moderate salt intake might be no problem and that diets very low in salt could be a recipe for trouble. Can we please make up our minds on this because I’m thinking of having bacon and a bottle of red wine for every meal.

Rosie Huntington-Whiteley, making her big-screen debut in this summer's Transformers: Dark of the Moon, has topped Maxim's annual Hot 100 list. Congratulations, I’m sure Rosie will create rosie palms all over the US. But Rosie, a word of advice, when you try to make the leap to acting, Transformers may not be the best vehicle. This is like making the leap to art collecting with the dogs playing poker portrait.

5/4/11 monologue

A spokesman for George W. Bush says the former president has declined an invitation from President Barack Obama to attend an observance at New York's ground zero. Jealous much!? Actually former President Bush can’t make it because he’ll be busy on an aircraft carrier claiming “mission accomplished.”

Get this, police arrested a 17-year-old boy accused of robbing an usher who worked at the baseball stadium where the Pittsburgh Pirates play after he stopped his car while having a heart attack on his way home from an extra-inning game. How else was he supposed to pay $50 bucks for a soda and a box of cracker jacks?

The musical "The Book of Mormon" leads with Tony 14 nominations, including one for best musical. What you don’t know is that Joseph Smith hallucinated this years ago.

In more pseudo musical news, Miley Cyrus covered Nirvana’s 'Smells Like Teen Spirit' during a concert in Ecuador last Friday. Can Kurt Cobain kill himself twice? Is that possible?

Nearly 6 in 10 Americans say they would never vote for Donald Trump or Sarah Palin for president, a new poll shows. In related news, 4 in 10 americans are insane.

5/3/11 monologue

You’ve seen the simulation of the attack on Bin Laden’s compound. The US military totally ripped off Black Ops Tour of Duty.

Get this, a flurry of small studies suggest that sex is as good for your health as vitamin D and broccoli. It not only relieves stress, improves sleep and burns calories, it can also reduce pain, ease depression, strengthen blood vessels, boost the immune system and lower the risk of prostate and breast cancer. But, masturbation only increases hand-penis coordination. You do the math.

Former Governor. “Hot” Rod Blagojevich will take the stand today. His testimony should be fucking golden.

Flavor Flav was arrested in Las Vegas. But not for what you might think. He stole a very expensive german-made clock. But he was easily spotted because he wore it as a necklace.

Rick Springfield was also arrested. Looks like he’s not taking not getting Jessie’s girl so well.

Classical Music

Liszt's Liebestraum doesn't translate as nocturnal emission. That is incorrect.