Thursday, January 31, 2013

Sports Bits

Tidbits, tidbits, tidbits. Say that word enough and you’ll become aroused around dog food. That’s just scientific fact.
Now onto the bids of tit.
Ray Lewis, yes, pissed off for greatness Ray Lewis, has apparently ingested elk antler spray, which the NFL in its wisdom, has banned because if anything is going to give players an illegal edge it’s ungulate bones. Now hold on just one sec before you start judging Ray Ray. This is a man of god we are talking about so judge lest ye be judged. What’s that you say? He was implicated in a double homicide? Oh good grief, we all make mistakes. Why just last night I forgot to use my blinker. What’s that, he obstructed justice? Aren’t we splitting hairs here people, obstruction of justice, doubling up on coupons, we ALL make mistakes. The man cried at the national anthem for cryin out loud! You haters need to embrace embrace embrace. What’s that, he’s fathered multiple children and has never been married? This is a liberated man we’re talkin’ about. How can he do god’s work and marry up too? You expect too much. Ray Lewis is a shining beacon we can all get behind and deep in our hearts we hope he’ll hide the evidence of our wrong doing, if the elk semen doesn’t kill him first. That stuff just can’t be good for you.
Dan Marino, one time Miami Dolphin and Don Shula legacy murderer, who rose to fame for losing to Joe Montana and for of course holding the laces out in that hall of fame caliber comedy Ace Ventura, has admitted that he fathered a child to a mistress and paid millions to keep her quiet, and that while he put up big numbers in the regular season, played like a frightened school girl in the playoffs. When asked about his legacy by reporters Mr. Marino apologized profusely to those he may have hurt through his playoff play and flat performance in Ace Ventura.  It is rumored that CBS may cut ties with the NFL broadcaster for his playoff interception to touchdown ratio and for basically wrecking Sean Young’s career.  The child, a girl, though only 7, has signed a national letter of intent with Pitt.
Tiger Woods won the Futile Open with a 7 under who cares and took home a Buick with bucket seats and tires that roll. He beat out 40 other golfers to win the coveted bracket bet of the AFC championship game.

Friday, January 18, 2013

Death is for Suckers

Have you ever stopped to think for the briefest of seconds about how we use the phrase "afterlife"? You’ve realized that what we mean is life after life.
Um, yeah, couple of questions: Where does the after part come in? If there is no after part why do we talk about death? All this eternal life goin’ on with all this death goin’ on isn’t quite possible now is it?
Unless, unless we equivocate like mad hatters inside a Looney bin filled with pharmaceuticals and booze after a week-long Vegas bender chock full of ego altering substances and dimension warping inhalants.
What’s that you ask? What is “equivocate?” Equivocate refers to changing the meaning of a word…behind your back essentially.
You ever been offered a free month of something and come to learn that by free they mean you pay for 11 months at a rate where they recoup the so called free month. And you learn that free month or not, your wallet is $1200 bones lighter. Wait, it gets better. One can see equivocation in teenager speak: “I like him but I don’t like him like him.” Of course we all know the translation is that “I don’t like him.”
Which brings us to death? I guess death doesn’t happen, at least not to us humans. I guess these folks mean, and here is the equivocation part, that we “leave” earth but we certainly don’t die. Die means to cease living and if there is an afterlife there cannot be cessation of living now can there. But, if you think back to my point about us humans, it is important to note that non-human mammals, for example, do indeed die. Oh, I don’t know, pick your favorite mammal (, like your pooch Rexie or your cat Annabel or even that stray elk you picked up in Wyoming and named Oscar…your favorite mammal…dies. Yep, it ceases living at some point. Probably after the heavily infused Dominoes pizza diet you gave to Oscar.
I think I feel a rub. Definite rubbage. Rubbing the old nads and I think chafing may result. What if, what if you live in, oh I don’t know, this, let us say, century….no no no, too tough, let us say you live in the post 2011’s and believe that evolution is true. If evolution is true then this same process takes the same stuff and makes you me and Dupree, Dupree being your pet bonobo that uses your toilet…most of the time.
Why the different fates? One never dies, but poor Dupree falls out of a jerry-rigged tree house you created from balsa wood and kitchen string and falls 20 feet through a kitchen skylight face-first into your cast iron skillet filled with hot pancake batter. Dupree ceases to live, that is to say, Dupree dies.
Unless, wait, oh my goodness, is there, could there, maybe, is there a complete mammal afterlife? Yessssss! This fixes our little problem. All mammals (not just dogs) go to heaven! Niiice.
But wait, if evolution is true, then what about the non-mammals? Oh hell, we’ll through them in too. Party time! Be it rats, squids, fungus, spores…hop on board people, this trains headed for eternity and you are on it. Fuck death. Death is for suckers.

Friday, January 11, 2013

Sublime Discovery on this day 1/11/2013

Let her go, let her go, God bless her;
Wherever she may be
She may search the wide world over
And never find a better man than me

Oh, when I die, please bury me
In my ten dollar Stetson hat;
Put a twenty-dollar gold piece on my watch chain
So my friends'll know I died standin' pat.

Get six gamblers to carry my coffin
Six chorus girls to sing me a song
Put a twenty-piece jazz band on my tail gate
To raise Hell as we go along

Now that's the end of my story
Let's have another round of booze
And if anyone should ask you just tell them
I've got the St. James Infirmary blues