Wednesday, April 20, 2011


People who ignor grammar will rue the day they have a semi in their colon.

Thursday, April 14, 2011

-This Progress-

-This Progress-

Not so much a battle as it is a war
Turned upside down and inside out
Like blood, guts, and gore
-They call it progress-
It’s not like it used to be
A pecking order based on might
Has been replaced for the thing that is right
For whom for whom for whom?
Did you take longitude into account?
Me thinks we can’t let this play out
-This Progress-
Jeers jeers jeers from every row
“Have you no compass for these things you know?”
And then with mirror held high I asked
"When were you assigned teleology as your task?"
…her reflection slumped in a very grey light
And again the fire question bloomed
For whom?
-This Progress-

4/14/11 monologue

Well your veep is at it again, Joe Biden caught some z’s during Obama speech yesterday.

And I thought only babies slept so well. Not only can Obama budget well, he can cure insomnia.
Barry “free on” Bonds, baseball's all-time home run king, avoided being convicted of perjury but was found guilty Wednesday of obstructing an investigation in federal court. Hope he’ll autograph an affidavit for me.
A federal judge in Pennsylvania says the popular “I (heart) boobies!” breast cancer fundraising bracelets aren't lewd or vulgar, so it's OK for public school students to wear them. What the good judge doesn’t know is where I am wearing mine. Let me just say that I’m a little worried that my “I (heart) boobies” cocklet makes me look fat.
Speaking of hearting boobies, Jennifer Lopez has been named People's Most Beautiful Woman of 2011. Congrats to Jennifer. All I know is, I could make this list too if I sat next to Steven Tyler all day.

Wednesday, April 13, 2011

4/13/11 monologue

Have you seen the video of Tom Brady crying while recalling his draft day frustrations? It’s hard to feel sorry for Tom…until you see his butt chin quiver. That is so weird. You start to think he’s trying to shake off a little tiny turd from that thing.

Chuck is as it again. Mr. Charlie Sheen has approved the design for a secret tattoo to be inked on his forearm. Instead of ink though, he is going to use tiger blood captured by warlocks. Kinky.
The nation's first proposed state-backed investment bank for a marijuana business failed Tuesday after a fiery debate in the Colorado House. “Bummer man. We could order some serious Domino’s with our return on investment dude.”

Holly Thompson, 17, was unable to close her mouth after yawning in class. One of Thompson's classmates tried to help her close her gaping pie hole, but to no avail. In related news, she was asked to the prom 43 times that day.
And in Cossack news, a former Miss Russia is facing drug charges for a second time on Tuesday, after allegedly using stolen prescription pads to obtain painkillers and anti-anxiety drugs from pharmacies in New York. Makes you wonder about the standards of the Miss Russia pageant doesn’t it. “And next in zee talent portion eez Miss Omsk. She ist goingk to make zoop from socialist  beets and den drink zee vodka while target shootingk an AK-47.”

Tuesday, April 12, 2011

4/12/11 monologue

An appeals court has just put the kibosh on Tyler and Cameron Winklevoss's push to get more money out of Mark Zuckerberg. The twins had already signed into a binding contract in 2008 giving them $20 million in cash and a partial ownership of Facebook. Like!
Every cinema will be capable of showing 3D films within five years, James Cameron said yesterday. Just great! It’s not bad enough I have to watch Vin Diesel in 2D?
Check it out, every week, people across the globe spend 3 billion hours playing video games, but that isn't enough for Jane McGonigal. She says video games can help solve some of the world's biggest problems — and we really should be playing more. I didn’t know helping the Mario brothers was a world problem. I thought they had a relatively successful plumbing business.
Benicio Del Toro and Kimberly Stewart are expecting. Kimberly is the 31-year-old daughter of rocker Rod Stewart. Kimberly’s dad just welcomed a baby of his own in February: his eighth child. Rod Stewart has 8 children! Man! What’s the connection between facelifts and strong semen?
Jurors in Barry Bonds' perjury and obstruction of justice trial will return for a third day of deliberations Tuesday. The panel failed to reach a verdict on Monday. Yeah, they keep shaking off the signs.

Expect to see Tom Cruise wailing his way through the upcoming movie "Rock of Ages." Tom is prepping for his role as aging, bad boy rocker Stacee Jaxx by training with Axl Rose's vocal coach.  When I hear Tom Cruise belt out “sha nananananana knees knees” I will convert to scientology…and pay the requisite fees of course… in order to accept Xenu as the tyrant ruler of the Galactic Confederacy. Sha nananananana knees knees!

Monday, April 11, 2011

Weekend Update with Funfunnerfunnest1

Tom Brady, the two-time MVP got teary while talking about the painful start to his pro career. You want pain Tom? Get drafted by the Browns. Cry me a lake Erie that catches on fire Tom. Douche! Tom Brady and Mike Huckabee need to make out in front of Giesele.
China has ordained a new Catholic bishop approved by the Vatican for the first time since ties between the sides soured last year. It is not yet known if China considers being an altar boy a human rights violation.
Get this, the FBI Investigated a UFO in Utah in 1949 after a Utah Highway Patrol officer in Mantua, Utah, spotted a UFO over Utah that exploded. I didn’t even know Utah had marijuana in 1949.
An in the loss of innocence department… after a third set of nude photos of Vanessa Hudgens taken in 2007 surfaced online last month, Vanessa opened up to The LA Times about the effect it's had on her career. How many sets of nude photos are there Vanessa and can you send me the link? I’m sorry Vanessa but when you have an encyclopedia of nude photos you can’t actually expect us to reach out to you. Our hands are full if you know what I mean.

Bob Dylan played his first ever Vietnam show to half-empty venue. Yeah, half of the tickets for Bob Dylan's concert in Vietnam's Ho Chi Minh City went unsold. When your manager books you in Vietnam, it might be time to find another manager. Does Bob’s manager know the Vietnam war is over? What gig is next? Berlin in 1939? Is the tour bus a DeLorean with a flux capacitor?

Archaeologists have unearthed the 5,000-year-old remains of what they believe may have been the world's oldest known gay caveman. They think the caveman was gay because none of the objects that usually accompany male burials such as weapons, stone battle axes and flint knives were found in his grave. That and his differently furred loin cloths were ironed with heavy starch.

And in the wow department, increasing numbers of women admit to being hooked on internet porn. Al Gore is taking credit.

Friday, April 8, 2011

4/8/11 monologue

New Jersey Gov. Chris Christie on Thursday called for public school teachers to be evaluated based equally on their classroom performance and student achievement and accused the state's largest teachers union of being a group of "bullies and thugs." Yeah! I think we should have a reality show of the teachers union. Imagine it. It’ll be like the Sopranos with algebra lessons. Forget foil an we’ll break your kneecaps!
A New Mexico man drove the decomposing body of his paraplegic friend around for three days, unaware that she was dead despite what others described as an overpowering stench and a horde of flies around the body. Didn’t he think that when his friend didn’t want to go to McDonalds at any point that something was amiss? “Hey, do you feel like a burger?”

And in some IQ news, MTV Confirmed spinoffs for Snooki, Pauly D and JWoww. I’m guessing they don’t go to college in the spinoffs.
In health news, the 17 Day diet plan that promises to help people lose weight for a lifetime has gone viral, after appearing on social networking sites like Facebook and Twitter, and even on DVD. Just 17 days folks. In less time than it takes to shut down the government, you can be fit for life. If there’s a DVD, it’s got to work.
Sadly, completing a swift rise and fall from TV stardom, controversial host Glenn Beck will lose his once-popular Fox News show later this year, the network announced Wednesday. Gelnn…will..cry. But fear not, Glenn has a great career ahead of him, washing Rush Limbaugh’s cars.

And lastly, the Chicago Bulls unveiled a bust of Hall of Famer Scottie Pippen during a halftime ceremony Thursday. Have you seen Scottie Pippen? Scottie Pippen is like a cross between Alice the Goon and mirror Spock. Do we really need a bust of Scottie Pippen? Maybe a nice portrait of Scottie Pippen. Of him dunking. From behind!

Thursday, April 7, 2011

4/7/11 monologue

Well, as the gubment shutdown nears, lawmakers and congressional aides have been working through the night on a budget deal that could avert a government shutdown. C’mon now! We all know cramming doesn’t work congresspersons. You should have been using notecards all along. Quick, what’s the important item in budget line 600-42-997?
In Sports news, the Boston Red sox are 0-5. Since 1871, only 2 teams that started 0-5 have made the postseason. It’s gotten so bad for Red Sox fans in just five games that many are already calling for Gary Busey to be fired.

Well she kept her pregnancy news under wraps for months, but Tina Fey has finally announced that she's got a bun in the oven. Actually, it’s an everything bagel in the toaster. This is actually pretty dicey news folks, cause the father is Justin Bieber. No no no, just kidding. But that kid would have some great hair.
Get this, one New Yorker has taken her love of frugal living to the extreme. Felice Cohen’s apartment measures just 90 square feet. Yeah, I know right, but guys love going over because to her apartment because it makes their penis look bigger.
In the my new hero department, At a Denver elementary school 8-year-old Aidan Elliott told police "Come get me, f-----s,". When they couldn't calm him down, policemen subdued him with pepper spray. Aidan and his mother went on national talk shows on Wednesday to say using pepper spray on an unruly 8-year-old was too much. In fairness to the officers, swat team, bomb squad, and k-9 unit on scene, the kid was overweight and looked a lot like John Elway.

Wednesday, April 6, 2011

4/6/11 monologue

Maybe you heard that British billionaire Richard Branson announced plans to launch a submarine to the deepest points of the world's five oceans. It is not yet known if anybody wants Branson to surface.

The Master’s golf tournament begins tomorrow. Moving on.

Molto Bene! Silvio Berlusconi is charged with sexual misconduct and abuse of power involving a teenage performer known as Ruby the heart stealer. Yeah, it’s been said that Silvio threw some orgies. Or as they call it in Italy, after dinner.

Actress Ashley Judd has opened up about her difficult childhood, which left her suffering from depression. She talks about the difficulties of being the child of a mother who was constantly touring in a new memoir, All That Is Bitter ... You have to feel bad for Ashely. I mean, what’s it like being the only Judd who can’t sing. Not exactly a hit at the family reunions. Oh, you act, isn’t that nice.

Get this folks, Extreme Couponing is TLC's latest reality series and is quickly becoming a major hit with fans. The show centers around people who make others wait for them in grocery store lines while they take out dozens of coupons to save a pretty penny. And you thought that person with 15 items in the express lane was bad. Now the woman in front of you is making the cashier who can’t drive yet scan through the coupon equivalent of war and peace. Do you really need to save 15 cents on KY jelly lady?

Tuesday, April 5, 2011

4/5/11 monologue

Well, march madness ended in April ugliness as UConn Beats Butler 53-41 for their 3rd National Title. I’ve scored more points in two rounds of scrabble. Maybe college basketball needs a 50 point shot. Sheesh, if I wanted to watch defense all night I’d turn on the justice channel.

In more sporting news, Dennis Rodman headlined the Naismith Memorial Basketball Hall of Fame's 2011 class announced on Monday. You remember Dennis Rodman…and Madonna…and Carmen Electra. I love it when cross dressers make the hall of fame. We need more diversity in the basketball hall of fame. They need a firearm wing of the basketball hall of fame. Gilbert Arenas could host shooting clinics. Allen Iverson could sell hemp necklaces at a kiosk outside. I kid, I kid hemp lovers. Don’t be mad Woody Harrelson.

You Harry Potter fans can sleep easy now because the magical world of Harry Potter is coming to life in a New York exhibition of original artifacts and imagery evoked in JK Rowling's seven-part series. How do you get original artifacts from a book of fiction? If this is true then I want some of the weed they smoked in Scooby Doo…and I want some Scooby snacks too.

And finally, The Bronx Zoo and the New York Daily News are asking the public to vote for the best name of the mischievous cobra. Quite frankly I think it is a little premature to call the snake mischievous. Lost maybe but not mischievous. When it rents a hooker and breaks up a New York hotel room then we can give it a nickname….like Charlie.

Monday, April 4, 2011

4/4/11 monologue

In the totally unshocking department, President Obama has announced he is running for reelection. In related news, Joe Biden told the president that “it is fucking sweet” he is running for reelection.
Maybe you heard that Charlie sheen bombed in Chicago. Yeah people were booing. Many thought he would turn into a warlock and drink tiger blood but just had on an ironic t-shirt and drank gin. Yeah, not the same mmmmph Chuck.
In some educational news, many people believed that learning more than one language from birth confuses children. But, in some great news for trailer parks everywhere, being bilingual is a form of mental exercise that is beneficial for the brain. So in addition to little skeeter’s x-box and three wheeler and satellite tv and sand /kitty litter box he can be stimulated with Spanish. ¿Dónde está el gato little Skeeter?

Friday, April 1, 2011

4/1/11 Monologue

Lindsay loo whoo is at it again. Pictures of her falling down on the street in front of Motor City Bar two nights ago are prompting speculation about whether she is drinking. Hmm, let’s see, falling down…in front of a bar…. Nah. She actually was just in a hurry from having dined and dashed. Rehab is going just fine at the Motor City Bar.
And listen to this, a health clinic catering to the porn industry is under fire after personal information about thousands of performers ended up on a website. Yeah, I know, and the clinic is really getting flamed on the internet. And when I say flamed, I mean a burning sensation when it urinates. I kid, I kid the porn industry. Without porn, Al Gore wouldn’t have invented the internet, which allowed him to google a rub and tug. I kid, I kid Al.
In more worldly news, The Berlin zoo's celebrity polar bear, Knut, drowned after swelling of his brain caused him to collapse and fall into his enclosure's pool, experts said Friday. Animal rights groups have alleged that the bear was traumatized by living in a zoo environment. I might ask how many of these activists would claim they are traumatized if they had their own pool enclosure. Traumatized…pool side. I think Knut may have been traumatized desert side but not pool side.
And you may know that princess Harry is currently training in Norway with a group of wounded servicemen as they prepare to trek to the North Pole. Yeah he said that sleeping in a tent in the Arctic was not something he had ever planned on doing - but it was "nice" to feel the cold last night. Nice to feel the cold at night huh. Yeah, it got so cold he had to ask his servants to turn on the generator in his castle shaped tent. If you want to experience cold at night Hank…get married.
And lastly celebrity gossip blogger Perez Hilton is writing a children's book entitled The Boy With Pink Hair to be published in September. I just want to know how he found anything to rhyme with gossip blogger. I think it’s great that he’s teaching people not to be judgmental with allusions to hair dye. Powerful stuff. What’s next? Messages about racism via lip gloss?