Tuesday, September 27, 2011

Mary Katherine didn't help with Confession

Please hold for a Verizon Wireless sales representative to assist you with your order. Thank you for your patience.
You are now chatting with 'Mary Katherine'
Mary Katherine: Hello. Thank you for visiting our chat service.  May I help you with your order today?
You: i may want to switch to verizon from t-mobile and already have verizon cable
You: any deals?
You: can i get my old phone #?
Mary Katherine: I will be happy to help you make the switch.  Is your old phone number still active?
You: it is but what kind of cost?
Mary Katherine: There is no charge to port your number over.  How many lines do you need?
You: 1 line. but how much would a cell plan be? i am very mindful of cost with my 1st child on the way.
Mary Katherine: We need to find the right plan for you before we can get a price.  That is why I am asking you questions to determine this.  I will get the pricing for you once we have the information we need.  Would 450 minutes be enough for you?
You: it should be
Mary Katherine: You can get that for $39.99.  Texting is $5 for 250, $10 for 500, $20 for unlimited.  Which would you prefer?
You: this is per month?
Mary Katherine: Yes, that is correct.
You: $10 for 500
You: might all this include a phone upgrade? mine is so old it uses a 9volt battery.
Mary Katherine: We can get you a new Free phone today.
Mary Katherine: Are you looking for a smartphone (requires $30 data package minimum)  or a basic phone?
You: free is my favorite cost
Mary Katherine: Mine too.
You: $30 on top of the 39.99? then basic. like basic training for marines at paris island
Mary Katherine: Would you like a full keyboard or a flip phone?
You: flip like what you do with a pancake when you see bubbles. that is the time to flip and not before
Mary Katherine: Thanks for the insight.  Do you need removable memory on the phone?
You: i dunno. do you mean smart card?
You: i don't think so.
Mary Katherine: Ok.  I recommend the LG revere.  It is a new flip device and it is on sale for free today.  I will get you the link.
Mary Katherine: CLick Here
You: ty. will all of this come with my cable bill?
Mary Katherine: Once you get the services started you can have the two bills combined into one.
Mary Katherine: Were you able to open that link?
You: i was. checking it out
Mary Katherine: It is a really sturdy device.  Basic and easy to use. It has a camera and large numbers.  Sorry you can't see it opened. For some reason that picture is not available for that phone.
You: i saw it opened. is there any incentive combining with the cable bill. this is close to what i pay t-mobile andwas hoping to save a few bucks since my kid will need baby food and shots and stuff
Mary Katherine: I know what you mean. I am a single mother and babies can be expensive.  Right now, I can not tell you if there is a bundling discount for combining that service, but customer care will be able to let you know.  Would you like that number?
You: i could probably find it on the web page. maybe at&t has something
Mary Katherine: Maybe. Just in case, though, the number is 1-800-922-0204.  I say check with them before you switch to another different carrier, at least to compare the prices.  There may be a discount.
Mary Katherine: I am glad that I could go over what we have available online for you today.
Mary Katherine: Is there anything else I can do for you?
Mary Katherine: I have not heard from you for a while. Do you still need assistance?
You: i guess not. i feel like i have a sense of what you all offer compared to t-mobile. but i recently got out of my contract with them so I feel like verizon might be a rebound phone and I may end up having some "old feelings" for t-mobile. But the thought of something new is also intriguing but like most new things it'll dig into your wallet and my wallet is dusty with nothing but bus cards and bible quotes. man I don't know what to do.
Mary Katherine: It has been a pleasure chatting with you today.
Mary Katherine: Thank you for visiting Verizon Wireless, I look forward to speaking with you again.  Have a great day!
Your chat session has been ended by your Verizon Wireless online agent.

Wednesday, September 21, 2011


human beings return to this cosmic atomic dance when we die and that there is no religiously sanctioned afterlife; and, finally, that joy in existence — not suffering, or atoning or endurance — is the point of life.

Remember City Slickers with Billy Crystal? And how death was his favorite subject? Well I think death is pretty close to being one of my favorite subjects. But, because I read Leo Buscaglia at such a sensitive age, I don’t brood over death. Or was it Heidegger? Either way, I don’t brood over death because I am too busy living. While I’m busy not brooding, I’m thinking…about death. I believe, like Lucretius above, that I die- especially on my birthday. Today is my birthday. 41 years on this watered planet. I end. You end. We end. They end.
And who is it that cannot cry a little? Don’t fear the range of your emotions, explore them. Walk around a little and see where it takes you. Just like our species couldn’t survive if we made babies we couldn’t birth, we don’t possess emotions we can’t handle. Is this true? Tis probably a grey area but roll with it for a minute.
How would you live if you knew you were going to die? Well today is my birthday and I’ll pretty much do what I typically do: a little gee-tar, work, break a sweat, read, write, crack a joke, take a shit. But everything will have a little more oomph today. Just realized oomph doesn’t come up on spell check. Just realized my shit will have a little more oomph. Dear diary…
Maybe I’ll do an atomic dance today. Maybe I’ll suffer and endure today. And maybe, just maybe, I’ll be joyous today. Notice that I don’t indicate that joy will happen to me; joy will happen from me. As soon as I leave work.

Monday, September 12, 2011

“Are we doing ok here?”

Have you seen the Corona flight commercial where the flight attendant asks the Ambien faced-twenty something-dressed for happy hour  passenger “Are we doing ok here? “
And, with corona in hand, through a buzz hazed stare answers “Absolutely.”

How about a little truth in advertising Corona?
“Are we doing ok here?”
“Mindy, I’m in coach. If my knees were any closer to my face I would auto fellate.  You can bring me as many of these $7 cervezas as you want but it won’t change the fact that I won’t feel my shins till I arrive in Akron for the rubber tire convention. Sure, I’m drunk but my nose still works and this “salesman” next to me reeks of cheap, burrito-infused vodka with just a hint of Atlanta Georgia prostitute. And unless I want to fork over $20 to you and your emergency floor lighting cronies I’ll have to subsist on this massive bag of peanuts for the next 3 hours, assuming we get off this tarmac in the next 2 hours. By the way, I have to urinate but because you and Blaine are busy bartending I have to hold it until the turbulence kicks in and works on my bladder like a paint shaker. Then I can bounce off the chairs till I arrive at my final destination at the front of the plane in front of the 1st classers asleep on their recliners; at which point I’ll take a huge beer-peanut infested dump and leave the door open so it can waft up their 1st class noses. So don’t ask me if we are doing ok here because unless “we” join the mile high club I just want to pass out IF you don’t mind. Buh-bye.”

Friday, September 9, 2011

Who Wants A Jetpack? I do I do!

The first commercial jetpack will sell as early as next year. They'll go for $100,000 and make your dreams of flying come true.

The hard part will be the line at the DMV.