Thursday, May 17, 2012

While The Getting Is Good

It may seem to be at the end
And it may seem to be forlorn
Has it not seemed this way before?
Experiences weigh like on a scale
More and more likely to tip the balance
But is not each moment on a razor’s edge,
a blink away from being this or that?
And it is the this or that that worries you
and me

Monday, May 14, 2012

HBO's 'Weight of the Nation' airs Tonight!

HBO’s documentary on the obesity epidemic ‘Weight of the Nation’ premieres tonight. How will Americans watch the show?
·              From the kitchen, waiting for the nachos to come out of the microwave
·              On the couch, after a hard day in the office chair
·              While conducting a prune juice, salt water, herbal tea, lemonade, nougat, Chlorox colon cleanse and flush

·              Utilizing the split screen option, to catch up on The Biggest Loser

·              Periodically glancing over the top of “Fifty Shades of Grey and flippin’ the bean. Flippin’
             the bean for just 10 minutes twice a Monday burns 200 calories
·              With wife, who by the way looks great
·              While researching lap band surgery options on craig’s list
·              Just after feeding the kids a nutrition-rich meal of low fat hot pockets, no-fry bacon stuffed cheddar poppers, syrup/brown sugar glazed broccoli florets with buttered sour cream dipping sauce and appled caramel bowls for dessert
·              Won’t, will watch How I Met Your Mother’ reruns, can’t afford HBO due to Curves payments
·              Periocially checking for Papa John’s driver
·              Will tivo it and watch new year’s day for resolution motivation

Friday, May 11, 2012

Halle Berry Screams At Photographer

I don’t know Halle Berry from Eve. I don’t know the photographer who got an earful from the Oscar winner from Adam. But I do know what he was thinking when she gave him the 3rd degree.

Halle: rant, rant, rant
Photog: oh my god she is so hot
Halle: rant, rant, rant
Photog: is she, yessss, she is, she’s in a sun dress…

Halle: rant, rant, rant
Photog: I don’t think, I’m pretty sure, no she doesn’t, she doesn’t have a bra on…
Halle: rant, rant, rant
Photog: man, no make-up and still dyn-o-mite
Halle: rant, rant, rant
Photog: man, gorgeous skin, firm thighs, supple well rounded calves
Halle: rant, rant, rant
Photog: even on a bad hair day, she is just lights out beautiful…
Halle: rant, rant, rant
Photog: she gets these great dimples when she yells at the top of her lungs
Halle: rant, rant, rant
Photog: When she’s done I’m going home and watching Monster’s ball.

Friday, May 4, 2012

This News Needs To Be Noosed

Mariano Rivera tore his ACL shagging flies.
Mariano, one should always shag flies doggy style. Yeah baby, am I making you randy? If there had been Angels in the outfield, would he have shagged them too? Yeah baby, forget beastiality, we’re kinky with cherubiality. Rrr rrr.

This was really stupid on her part. You leave one tooth in the front for comedic purposes. Everyone knows that.

Today is Cinco De Mayo.
Which is from the latin for lining up your Hellman’s Jars. Can’t think of a better reason to drink a marg.