Wednesday, November 23, 2011

Giving Thanks

It’s that time of year when we unbutton our pants… in order to take in more animal flesh, sugars, and carbs then retreat to the couch for competitions involving sublimated aggression, booth reviews and buxom cheerleaders. Glorious.
It is also that time of year when we are supposed to give thanks for the things we have in life. Free History lesson: this dates all the way back to Colonial America when Puritans got drunk enough on mulled cider to invite Lutherans to invite the native americans over for some mutton and millet. Godless liberals like those at NPR always forget the Lutheran middle men but without them we wouldn’t have this holiday, and for that I am thankful.
I am also thankful that pizza sauce is now a vegetable. I think I smell a new thanksgiving vegetable dish! Thank you congress! I cannot wait until bacon doughnuts become a grain. I am sure I can be thankful for that next year. No pressure congress but I’ve been good so pretty please? Please make doughnuts a grain.
I am thankful for Tim Tebow. The man just loves to give shout outs to Jesus. Yes, the savior of all mankind, the son of the supreme being that created the heavens and the earth that sent his only son to suffer and die for the sins of man by being crucified with nails driven through his wrists and feet needs “shout outs,” especially after a 3rd down conversion. I am thankful that an option right that keys a 4th quarter drive is on a par with crucifixion.
I am thankful for that wonderful film ‘Your Highness.’ I am thankful that the charming matinee price of $11 per ticket went to this lifeless yet humorless comedy. I am thankful I never lost my breath during this one; for some movies I laugh so hard I sometimes lose my breath and spit up coke and popcorn on the person in front of me but for this one I was able to catch up on some well deserved z’s and plot the horrible, torturous keep-alive-for-days deaths of “writer” Danny McBride and “director” David Gordon Green.
I am thankful for the occupy protests. Yes, without these, the middle class workers at the pepper spray plants would also be worrying about corporate greed and government bailouts of rich with middle class tax dollars. Not to mention the police baton crafters and wooden bullet carvers. Way to put those people to work protestors!
Lastly, I am thankful for you. Yes you, you crazy son of a bitch. How long have we been friends? God we go back a long way me and you. We have been through some tough times but man-o-man have we had some crazy times. Like that time you drank too much bourbon and olive juice and threw up on that bartender on new year’s eve. And how her bouncer boyfriend put you in the hospital by breaking your jaw away from your skull and how the hospital staff couldn’t help because you couldn’t tell them what was wrong and I was no help because I was laughing my ass off. Good time. I am bummed you can’t make it for dinner but I will surely raise a pizza sauce vegetable in your honor.

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