Tuesday, October 16, 2012

Ask New England Patriots Head Football Coach, Bill Belichick

Ask New England Patriots Head Football Coach, Bill Belichick
Tuesday, October 16, 2012

Dear Bill Belichick
Yesterday I came to the realization that in the world of computer technology, my skills are well behind the times and getting more and more behind every day. My company won’t finance for me to go back to school to upgrade my skills and with a wife and kids, I can’t take on this financial burden; but if I don’t I may find myself out of a job. What should I do?
Washed Up in Wilmington?

New England Patriots Head Football Coach, Bill Belichick: We'll try to put the finishing touches here on our preparations for the Seahawks. It's been a challenging week with all their outstanding players and the problems they present, a team we're not really that familiar with. Everybody has really been working hard to try to get down and understand exactly what we have to do. Hopefully today will be a good day [and] we can kind of pull things together and be ready to go on Sunday.

Dear Bill Belichick
Lately, when I go for a run I am noticing some mild pain from my left achilles. I can’t take time or training off because I have a marathon in a little over a month. Two weeks out I can begin to taper my miles but I’m afraid my achilles may not last that long. I don’t want to eat the marathon entrance fee because it was $75! What to do?
Aching in Akron

New England Patriots Head Football Coach, Bill Belichick: Sure, yeah, absolutely. The technique is different. I think competing against that type of player is different. That's one of the good things about going against different players on our team that have different skill sets and also practicing against different teams like New Orleans and Tampa: you get different types of players that eventually over the course of the year, you're going to see somebody that's similar to someone you've seen and that kind of matchup. That type of experience helps. Technique is different and the playing style is different. Certainly it's a lot different for a quarterback throwing over a 5-9 guy, as opposed to throwing over a 6-4 guy. There's a lot more – those guys take up a lot of space. [Brandon] Browner is a very athletic guy. He moves well and covers a lot of ground and he's really long. We've played against those guys before, the [Ryan] McNeils and the [Antonio] Cromarties and Drayton Florence in Buffalo and guys like that: 6-2, 6-3 type corners. They definitely present a problem. [Bobby] Taylor in Philadelphia, those kind of guys, over the course of the years. They're unique. You don't usually see those guys with that kind of length out there. It presents a problem for the receivers and for the quarterback.
Dear Bill Belichick
Taxes are killing me and I want to vote for the right candidate come November. Problem is I can’t make sense of Romney’s tax plan because it seems so vague. Any insight into understanding the Romney/Ryan tax plan?
Voter from Philadelphia

New England Patriots Head Football Coach, Bill Belichick: Yeah, but it doesn't really matter. It's Seattle; it's what happens this week. Hopefully we can be on the plus side of the turnovers against Seattle but that's hard to do because they do an excellent job of taking it away and they do a great job of protecting it. Their backs really run hard, they get a lot of extra yardage. That's often a time when backs will be less protective of the ball because they're struggling for those extra yards and trying to break tackles and all that but not these guys. They run hard, break tackles, gain extra yards and don't fumble. We'll see how it all plays out Sunday but just because it happened in a couple other games or didn't happen, I don't think that really means anything for Sunday.
Dear Bill Belichick
My mother recently hit a mailbox with her car and I’m worried she might not be suitable for the road. I hate to take away this important aspect of freedom from my mother but I can’t ignore the safety issue for her or for others on the road. I also fear how much the lack of her transportation would burden my family. I am now feeling guilty and afraid. Please help!
Driving Miss Daisy in Deeborne

New England Patriots Head Football Coach, Bill Belichick: This is a real impressive Seattle team we've been watching here the last couple days. I'd say the things that really jump out are their overall playmaking ability, kicking game – they return kicks, they block them, they cover them, they're leading the league in kickoff returns, leading the league in kickoff coverage. They really have a lot of players that are very impact-type guys in the kicking game with good specialists. Defensively, big in the secondary, probably the biggest secondary in the league, big corners; physical, fast linebackers, real active front, they play a lot of different people up there but they're all playmaking type guys. I've really been impressed watching [Brandon] Mebane and [Red] Bryant and [Bruce] Irvin, of course [Chris] Clemons, [Alan] Branch, [Jason] Jones. They're a real good group and they take the ball away, they do a good job of stripping it out, it's not just sacks. They're talented and we're going to really have to work hard this week to get familiar with their schemes and their players to be able to do a good job against them. We'll have a lot of tough guys to match up against. That's our deal this week.
Dear Bill Belichick
Did you see Tom Brady after that Earl Thomas interception? He cowered like a little girl not only once but twice! What happened to football players?
Not Exactly George Blanda in Boise

New England Patriots Head Football Coach, Bill Belichick: Tom’s a pussy. Need to play, need to coach better.
Bill Belichick is Head Coach of the National Football League’s New England Patriots and whose weekly column, “Ask New England Patriots Head Football Coach, Bill Belichick” appears in more than 250 newspapers nationwide.

We Divvied Up The Chores And Now We’re Divorced

A Norwegian study found that couples who split chores equally are more likely to divorce. I wrote a song about it. Wanna hear it? Hear it goes:
We Divvied Up The Chores And Now We’re Divorced

I washed and you dried                 you broiled, I fried
I swept, you mopped                     I diced, you chopped
We shared our love and we shared the chores
But I guess we needed, something more

The times’uh  changed so I learned to cook and clean
You changed the oil in our pick-up trucks with Valvoline
I hemmed your dress, my beautiful bride
Somehow you finished the basement in our double wide

We divvied up the chores and now we’re divorced
We yelled so much that now we’re hoarse
We split em fair and square but it tore us apart
I guess only one of us should have been the feminist from the start

I’d let you do all the dishes to have you back
I’d let you get me a beer and clean my gun rack
I’ll give you all the warsh and be the better man
But now you’re doing all the chores… with my former best man, Stan


Friday, October 5, 2012

Honey Badger Cares Quite A Bit, Actually

Fame can come with a cost and there is no cost greater than self. Honey Badger comes to you today as a Honey Badger with a message; an important message, a message that may not amount to more than a hill of beans for some, but the world for Honey Badger.
By now you all know of Honey Badger’s exploits in nature and thanks to the internet it has been contended that Honey Badger doesn’t give a shit. Nothing could be further from the truth. You see dear readers, when a person states that Honey Badger doesn’t give a shit, Honey Badger wants you to know that Honey Badger does give a shit, especially about Honey Badger’s mental well-being.
Honey Badger is gifted, no doubt about it. Mother Nature and eons of natural selection have provided Honey Badger with a physiology second to none. There aren’t many creatures that can survive cobra bites and a thousand bee stings to the proboscis but Honey Badger doesn’t get a dent in the fender. Honey Badger can eat a rat that’s been dead for two weeks, throw up, eat the vomit, and wash it down with scorpion poison and have not so much as a mild hangover. Honey Badger does not apologize for this. Physically, Honey Badger is the pinnacle of evolution but there is more to Honey Badger.
No man is an island and Honey Badger is more than a great body. You see dear reader, ever since this inane little video has come out, Honey Badger has experienced ridicule and verbal abuse in the wilderness the likes of which have, quite frankly, made Honey Badger cry. Honey Badger wasn’t built to handle teasing from prairie dogs and other assorted quick creatures Honey Badger can’t catch. Honey Badger is not mentally capable of a healthy processing “Hey Honey Badger, let’s see you walk backwards” or “Eeew Honey Badger, why don’t you give a shit?” Honey Badger has feelings and these feelings are hurt dear reader. Honey Badger feels like Honey Badger has no way out.
While Honey Badger’s proclivities in nature you may find “disgusting,” you wouldn’t ask water not to be wet. Popeye said “I am what I am” and Honey Badger is what Honey Badger is. So Honey Badger begs of you, cease with the teasing. Cease with the “ewe”, cease with the effeminate “oh god, what’s he doing now?” quips. Honey Badger is hurt. Honey Badger is hurt because Honey Badger cares.

My Interview with Actor Joe Pesci

The Funner: Hello Mr. Pesci. Thank you so much for being here. I can’t begin to tell you how much of an honor it is to have you here. I am a huge fan of your work, especially the latest snickers commercial.
Joe Pesci: Ha ha. That’s one. Don’t get two.
The Funner: Now you’ve had a great career and we will definitely get to that but first I want to talk about your relationship with Angie Everhart. Now you are 5’2 in high heels and she 6’ when kneeling. What was that like?
Joe Pesci: The height difference wasn’t a concern to either of us you know. Just made it work. I have a portable ladder.
The Funner: C’mon Joe, give us some dirt here. The American people deserve to know some details. What was it like in the bedroom? Was she like, just, a sexy set of monkey bars with a gorgeous mane on top?
Joe Pesci: Well I didn’t swing from her if that is what you are implying; my arms couldn’t get that high. There are, let us say, some advantages to height differences in the bedroom. My neck never got sore.
The Funner: Good to know. So let’s just get it over with and talk about Goodfellas you stuttering prick!
Joe Pesci: Man o’ man are you busting my balls here.
The Funner: Now go shine your fucking shoe box!
Joe Pesci: Ha ha. That’s two.
The Funner: It never gets old.
Joe Pesci: No, never.
The Funner: Ok, moving on, Raging Bull, your thoughts?
Joe Pesci: About what exactly?

The Funner: Cathy Moriarty of course.

Joe Pesci: A fine actress who gave a smoking gun performance in Raging Bull.
The Funner: You bang her? Kid, I kid. Now you play guitar and sing. Where did that come from?
Joe Pesci: That’s 3. This interview is over. This is just a hatchet job.
The Funner: What are you Bill O’ Reilly? Did you ever stab anyone with a hatchet?
Joe Pesci: I am not the characters I play.
The Funner: Oh sure, just like Ron Howard isn’t little Opie Cunningham. Woody Allen can talk all day long about his movies not being autobiographical but we all know he thinks Alan Alda is a fascist.
Joe Pesci: Opie Taylor and Richie Cunningham are two different characters from two different shows.
The Funner: How hard was it to memorize the lines for that snickers commercial? I can’t get over you and Angie Everhart. She is from my hometown you know, Akron, Ohio. Or as the locals call it, Crackron.
Joe Pesci: Never been. Why don’t you ask me about my upcoming projects?
The Funner: Well that’s all the time we have. I want to thank my guests, Joe Pesci, The Great Barberetzkiham and his pet gerbil Richie Gere. Let’s have the band take us out with a Joe Pesci original: I Think You’ll Crack Under Questioning You Stuttering Prick! Joe get up and sing. Oh’ cmon, don’t be a prick you stuttering prick. Oh please, come up and sing. What are you gonna do, whack me off you mafia midget…
[Fight on stage ensues]