Tuesday, January 17, 2012

Pie Hole

There is some hubbub on the web that perhaps the food is what caused Paula Dean’s Type 2 Diabetes. Let me tell you something folks. Food just sits there, it doesn’t jump off the table and masticate itself, or in her case, because all she eats is butter, melt itself and pour itself down her throat. Cmon, why would we have so many still life paintings if twinkies kept jumping off the table into Paula Dean’s, um, quite literally, pie hole?

Thursday, January 12, 2012

Make-Up Fail

Have you seen the new symbicort commercial?

It has this older gentleman lamenting the fact that he can’t attend opening day with his grandson because of his COPD.

He says something akin to remembering opening day with his own son.


Cut to over the shoulder shot of him reminiscing at a photograph of him and his son on opening day.

Serious make-up fail.

All they did was throw on a mike-myers-love-guru inspired wig and a Magnum PI mustache. They didn’t even change the high school inspired jacket.

Guessing this make-up guy didn’t make the cut for Face-Off.

To What End?

I learned via the Smiley and West podcast that more US soldiers committed suicide than died in combat for the 2nd year in a row.

Are we safer?

Thursday, January 5, 2012

Impusle starring Willa Ford! The itunes review is in! Was it helpful? You bet!

Let us reflect on this amazingly insightful review of the movie Impulse starring the method actor Willa Ford. You may also recognize her from her playboy spread but don’t let that fool you, she has acting chops. Those chops may fit nicely into butless chaps but that is beside the point…on to the review of the review.
1.       5 stars. Move over Roger Ebert, there’s a new sherrif in town.
2.       Oversex in a lifetime script? Since when does Sally Field or Valerie Bertanelli act in a movie with sex? I think this reviewer meant overacting.
3.       “The acting is great all around and the script is well written.” That explains the Oscar and Golden Globe nominations and the straight to video release.
4.       “I think those who watched this movie payed more attention to former reviews/what it was rated than actually watching the film.” I think the review is right on this one; people payed too much attention to the reviews when they could have payed attention to spellcheck.
5.       The nudity is purely for the role. I think the dripping of the chocolate, the slow motion shower, and the in-front-of-the-mirror mammogram were also, purely for the role. Purely.
6.       The nudity never gets too graphic. Of course not, not with the chocolate and water droplets covering up the wobbly parts. If nudity isn’t graphic it’s because clothes are involved.
7.       “Willa is only seen topless.” Looks like someone is bitter over that $21.00 dvd.
8.       And my personal favorite: The rape scence is done very classy. I agree, most rape scences are not very classy and if this movie has anything going for it, it is class. More rape scences need to be classier. Like a good boxed wine with chicken fingers and pot stickers.
9.       Plus, the rape scence only inferences you to what happens. I scence someone may have been violated; mostly just everyone with a scence of artistic decency.
10.   “I love how it mixes psychology/science with sex.” I thought this thing wasn’t oversexed? Yeah, the allusions to BF Skinner and Isaac Asimov during the sex scences were awesome. And the Thomas Edison inspired vibrator scence was very very meaningful. Tastefully done.
11.   Give this movie a chance people, you may be surprised. The only thing surprising is the chance that I won’t die of an aesthetic hemorrhage if I ever see this thing. Hell, I’ll have a b-movie embolism if I see just one scence.

Tuesday, January 3, 2012

2012 2011 1102. Does this year belong to you?

By law, bloggers now have to reflect on 2011 and advise as to the hope for 2012. Well, my friends, I am going to put this on its head and instead reflect on the year 1102 and advise as to my nightmares for 2012.

Sure, thanks to WIKI there is all this:
Year 1102 (MCII) was a common year starting on Wednesday (link will display the full calendar) of the Julian calendar.
By place
·         The Crusaders capture Caesarea Maritima.
·         The Crusaders defeat a large Fatimid counter-attack of the Kingdom of Jerusalem near Ascalon and capture the city after 3 years of siedge.[1]
·         Dagobert of Pisa is briefly deposed as Latin Patriarch of Jerusalem (and restored later in the year).
·         Raymond IV of Toulouse begins to besiege Tripoli, and takes the nominal title of Count of Tripoli.
·         Raymond IV of Toulouse is imprisoned by Tancred, regent of the Principality of Antioch.
·         The Venetians establish a new trade emporium in Sidon.[2]
·         May 5 – End of the short-lived principality created by El Cid. Valencia is captured by the Almoravids under Yusuf ibn Tashfin. It is later recaptured, evacuated and burned by Alfonso VI of Castile.[3]
·         June 4 ndash; Bolesław III becomes king of Poland.
·         Following the Croatian military defeat of 1096, by the Pacta Conventa (contested) the Croatian nobles recognize Coloman of Hungary as their overlord, initiating the personal union between the two kingdoms.
·         Henry I of England takes possession of Arundel Castle.
·         The Hohenbaden castle is built in Baden-Baden, Germany.
·         At the Council of London, the Roman Catholic Church bans sodomy and the sale of Christian slaves to non-Christian countries.
By topic
·         Henry I of England orders the tomb of Edward the Confessor opened; the body is found undecayed.

·         February 7Matilda, daughter of Henry I of England (d. 1167)
·         October 25William Clito, Count of Flanders (d. 1128)
·         May 19Stephen, Count of Blois
·         Anna Dalassena, Byzantine regent (b. 1025)
·         King Wladislaus I Herman of Poland (b. 1040)
·         Albert, antipope in Rome.
1.      ^ Gaier, Claude (2004). Armes et combats dans l'univers médiéval. Paris: De Boeck Supérieur. ISBN 2804145433. 
2.      ^ Touba, Keltoum (2006). Le travail dans les cultures monothéistes: judaïsme, christianisme, islam de l'Antiquité au XVIIIe siècle. Paris: L'Harmattan. ISBN 2296009239. 

But not one word about any great wines? How is a guy supposed to time travel and know what to order at a hotel!? And wassup with the Catholic Church banning sodomy? How is a porn director to make a living in 1102. See even back then, too much regulation on business. The more things change…
Oh sure, a few crusades here some plagues there but I’m sure the quality of marbled meats was quite good.

Now on to the nightmares of 2012.
1.       The f-ing patriots win the superbowl and the boston accents come out in full force and Bill Belichek quips that he could have done it with the Browns had they given him the parking space he wanted. But noooo.
2.       The entire cast of New Year’s Eve wins an Oscar for best acting. The key grip is also given an award.
3.       Kim Kardashian becomes a philanthropist without even knowing how a philanthropist is different from a rhododendron. Her bodonkodonk wins an Oscar.
4.       Jay Pharoh on SNL imitates Denzel Washington in another fish out of water bit.
5.       Jay Pharor redeems himself by winning an Oscar for best Denzel impression.
6.       A misguided river otter damns up the rio grande and mistakenly allows illegal immigrants to wade all the way to Iowa and kill the American-owned-Mexican-restaurant market there.
7.       Bob Costas continues to dye his hair and becomes a hero of the occupy goth movement.
8.       The housing market collapses when the last local couple who could have bought, rents a sweet ass condo with laundry in suite.
9.       The learning channel airs North Carolina Bus Drivers And The Spouses Who Love Them.
10.   Some local yahoo buys a huge ass truck that gets 4 miles to the gallon and never ever puts a thing in the back instead of getting the enlargement procedure his wife desperately wanted instead.