You Can't Do Both

Be wary when they tell you that you can’t do both. They told that to Charlie Sheen and we all know how that turned out.

I’m guessing that Woody Allen was also told that you can’t do both comedy and drama. We all know how that turned out. Interiors bombed but the Soon Yi thing was golden.

Now sometimes it is true. Michael Vick can’t run and last in the NFL. And by run, I mean from the PETA brethren, not from divisional linebackers. The NFC East ain’t what it used to be.

Sometimes it should be true but isn’t. Like inhaling and exhaling at the same time. Christopher Hitchens help us but Kenny G (spot) made sure we know how that turned out... and that we will never, ever buy one of his cd’s…not even a Christmas one.

I mean, look at Chaz Bono, what if he had believed you can’t do both.

So don’t buy it folks. Unless they tell you that you can’t buy both!

7/20/11 monologue

Actor Doug Hutchison, 51,  married Courtney Stodden, 16. In an appearance on the show ‘Father Albert’ Hutchison said they were “brought together by a higher power.”

"God connects us."  "When you meet that someone you love, there's something inside that's leading you towards that person."

In this case the higher power was actually a plastic surgeon with mysterious saline bags. And that something inside was an erection driving Doug around like a metal detector on the beach.

This week, the White House said President Obama wants to overturn the law that restricts marriage to heterosexual couples  and give federal benefits to same-sex couples who marry.

                Very progressive folks, And very good for the wedding and rainbow flag maker businesses.

Emma Watson told reporters recently that she's not through with higher education yet. She said she’ll study abroad at Oxford and then return to Brown to complete her last year.

You have to give props to Emma for going back to school with all of her money. Rumor has it that Charlie Sheen is going back as well. I think Chuck may go to Ohio University. Yeah, he's gonna take some phys ed courses.

The Center for Science in the Public Interest (CSPI) today announced its winners for their Fourth annual Xtreme Eating Awards. But these awards are for dishes with the highest calories, fat and sodium.

This year's winners include Denny's Fried Cheese Melt. It's four fried mozzarella sticks and melted American cheese grilled between two slices of sourdough bread, served with wavy-cut French fries and marinara sauce. "Grilled cheese with a twist," says Denny's.

                Or as New Jersey Governor Doug Christie calls it, a lite snack.

But seriously, this sandwich, plus fries and marinara sauce, packs 1,260 calories. This is equivalent to two Pizza Hut Personal Pan Pepperoni pizzas.

                The personal pizzas are smaller right? That’s not so bad.

And lastly, any day now, Diana Nyad will set out to swim about 60 hours straight - 103 miles across the Straits of Florida from Cuba to Key West. She’ll stop to tread water for a few minutes as she swallows a liquid mixture of predigested protein and eats an occasional bit of banana or dollop of peanut butter.

Um, “predigested?” So it’s been eaten already? Will there be a huge bird above her, regurgitating into her mouth? Seriously, if I had to guess who did the eating, I would say Governor Doug Christie.

4/13/11 monologue

Have you seen the video of Tom Brady crying while recalling his draft day frustrations? It’s hard to feel sorry for Tom…until you see his butt chin quiver. That is so weird. You start to think he’s trying to shake off a little tiny turd from that thing.

Chuck is as it again. Mr. Charlie Sheen has approved the design for a secret tattoo to be inked on his forearm. Instead of ink though, he is going to use tiger blood captured by warlocks. Kinky.

The nation's first proposed state-backed investment bank for a marijuana business failed Tuesday after a fiery debate in the Colorado House. “Bummer man. We could order some serious Domino’s with our return on investment dude.”

Holly Thompson, 17, was unable to close her mouth after yawning in class. One of Thompson's classmates tried to help her close her gaping pie hole, but to no avail. In related news, she was asked to the prom 43 times that day.

And in Cossack news, a former Miss Russia is facing drug charges for a second time on Tuesday, after allegedly using stolen prescription pads to obtain painkillers and anti-anxiety drugs from pharmacies in New York. Makes you wonder about the standards of the Miss Russia pageant doesn’t it. “And next in zee talent portion eez Miss Omsk. She ist goingk to make zoop from socialist  beets and den drink zee vodka while target shootingk an AK-47.”