Friday, April 27, 2012

The Browns 2012 First Round Draft and Terry Pluto

Cleveland Plain Dealer’s Terry Pluto kills me. He has no objectivity when it comes to the Browns. Fan first, writer second. Here’s why:
On Trent Richardson: He has “pistons for legs.”
He said the same thing about William Green and we all know how that turned out.
On the trade to get Richardson: “This was a masterful move for Browns General Manager Tom Heckert, who was able to grab an impact running back without giving up a second- or third-round choice.”
Please tell me Terry, how he is an impact running back without ever having played a down in the NFL. I know you are excited but at least feign some objectivity.

Again on Richardson: … “they at least have come away with one future star in Richardson.”
Oh Christ, who is taking bets on this? Tim Couch was going to be a star, Willie Green was going to be a star, Colt McCoy was going to be a starter, blah blah blah. Hope springs eternal for fans but you think Pluto would have a smidge of objectivity.

And oh by the way, remember Terry Pluto loving Derek Anderson and his “big arm?” Check this out:

A different dog with the same fleas.
The Browns do the same thing over and over and over and expect a different result.
Sometimes the truth hurts Terry Pluto, every Browns fan should know that.

Thursday, April 26, 2012

Double-Spaced This Time

[Professor’s Office]
Student: Why did you give me a D?
Professor: I didn’t give you a D. You gave you a D.
Student: Well, I’ve thought about it and I want to give me an A now. Thanks, see you in class.
Professor: Maybe you should have wanted to give you an A before you wrote a D paper.
Student: D paper you are referring to was D bomb yo and by bomb yo I mean an A paper.
Professor: D paper was D shit and by shit I mean I mean I wiped my ass with it and by doing so improved it from an F to a D.
Student: I thought I smelled something when you handed it back? But then again, your mouth was open at the time so…
Professor: Yeah well, you might want to practice opening yours up a little wider, either that or move up to fries.
Student: Speaking of fried, I saw your wife at the fraternity house last night and talk about wide. Any wider and I could have hidden my bong. (finger in hole motion, fist motion)
Professor: Is this the same fraternity house where your, quote unquote brothers, roofied you, stripped you naked and placed a quarter next to your penis to give it scale and then youtubed it there babydick?
Student: Yeah I heard about your baby. Sorry it came out with 3 sets of genitalia but I guess with you as the father it just couldn’t make up its mind.
Professor: Oh no that’s been all taken care of, what with you on that genitalia-of-any-kind donation list. Congrats on getting a little something to go underneath your miniature vienna sausage. Your mom must be so proud now.
Student: Oh she’s beaming, just like the shine off your head and 2005 Ford Taurus. Man, to get to the point in life where you can afford a brand new Ford Taurus. Talk about pride. Is the rogaine working at all? But fuck it, haircuts are so expensive now and you are probably still paying on that car.
Professor: Speaking of paying, what is daddy paying for you to clean up after the bros at the house? And my god, with the market for the custodial arts booming right now, you are going to make a killing mopping up at the high school soon. But be careful, all those keys on your waist could lead to bad hips. And who needs bad hips to go along with daddy’s disappointment at not taking over the lawn care business. You guys hedge now too right?
Student: Oh I think you mean hedge funds. But what would you know about that with your soon-to-be divorce settlement stripping you of everything except your elbow patched blazer and prized Taurus with rear air conditioning?
Professor: Speaking of rear, I hear they call you “reartarded” now because your ass doesn’t know what to do with all the weight you’ve gained. Should I disperse it evenly amongst the cheeks or do a mom-jeans kinda thing in the back? But I have to say, the shorts and sweats year round – a good look for you.
Student: Look, are you gonna change my grade or do I have to make a scene?
Professor: Here’s what I’ll do, you rewrite the paper and get it to me by Friday at 5pm and wipe my ass with it again and give you a C-. Double spaced this time.

Tuesday, April 17, 2012

New News You Knew

President Barack Obama called Sunday for a "thorough" and "rigorous" investigation into allegations involving prostitutes and Secret Service agents in Colombia. This is easy: whichever agents have the clap procured the senoritas. Done.

It has been reported that Demi Moore has made a low-key return to Twitter…with a Bedroom Photo. When your return to twitter is low-key with a bedroom photo, what is high-key? When you tweet a video of you slap farting Mila Kunis?

Heidi Klum has said that she "wouldn't change anything" about her marriage to Seal. When your marriage ends in divorce you probably should have changed something. If you die together in a retirement home in Florida babbling to a nurse about frozen yogurt while Seal hums ‘Fields of Gold’, then you can say you “wouldn't change anything.”

Worn out shoes

                Worn out shoes
                Weary walks, weathered thoughts
                There’s wisdom in worn out shoes
                To be worn is to be used

Monday, April 16, 2012

Quick Hitters

Why did the candle go out?
It had a Motiv.

2012 Boston marathon times lowered by 80 degree temperatures and because not one single solitary Kenyan was running from immigration officials.

“Sex is for procreation” she said.
“I’m not anti-procreation” he replied.
“You don’t get it, sex is for procreation only” she raised her voice.
“For every pro there is a con. Are you saying concretely that by being pro-fucking one is con-creation?”