Wednesday, July 20, 2011

Shaun White's Mustache

You can just knock that shit off right now.
You think I want to be on this douchebag’s face? So save your wisecracks for Colbert you punk. I ain’t happy bout this shit. I’m red and I’m scraggly –look at me, it’s like I’m a damn anorexic mustache on this friggin’ guy.
I know I know. I don’t even touch in the middle. Red rover red rover, let my other side come over. Fuck, why would he do this? Who wears a red mustache anytime other than Halloween? Fuck, do something…make it a little Lou Bega thing or something.
I’ve got to get shaved. I’ll never give any rides like this. Go underground, work me out. Wait till I’m mature enough. Wait till my little mustache balls drop. I can’t do anything but stand on end right now.
I have to hear shit from the soul patch all day. He doesn’t have to be mature; he’ll never give a ride. He’s always on the wrong end but that’s his gig and he’s ok with it. His bag is reeling them in and when you aren’t thick and lush the lure is even stronger. Dammit! Bohemian fuckin soul patch!
Calgon take me away. Sean, please, grow some chops on the side. Divert their attention.
Look away. I beseech you.
Oh, it’s no use…but hear me now, I will be back. What doesn’t kill me makes me stronger. And I will be a mustache stallion. Yes, yes I will. And I will give rides. Like a merry go round I’ll be. Come one come all. Step right up.

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