Thursday, April 7, 2011

4/7/11 monologue

Well, as the gubment shutdown nears, lawmakers and congressional aides have been working through the night on a budget deal that could avert a government shutdown. C’mon now! We all know cramming doesn’t work congresspersons. You should have been using notecards all along. Quick, what’s the important item in budget line 600-42-997?
In Sports news, the Boston Red sox are 0-5. Since 1871, only 2 teams that started 0-5 have made the postseason. It’s gotten so bad for Red Sox fans in just five games that many are already calling for Gary Busey to be fired.

Well she kept her pregnancy news under wraps for months, but Tina Fey has finally announced that she's got a bun in the oven. Actually, it’s an everything bagel in the toaster. This is actually pretty dicey news folks, cause the father is Justin Bieber. No no no, just kidding. But that kid would have some great hair.
Get this, one New Yorker has taken her love of frugal living to the extreme. Felice Cohen’s apartment measures just 90 square feet. Yeah, I know right, but guys love going over because to her apartment because it makes their penis look bigger.
In the my new hero department, At a Denver elementary school 8-year-old Aidan Elliott told police "Come get me, f-----s,". When they couldn't calm him down, policemen subdued him with pepper spray. Aidan and his mother went on national talk shows on Wednesday to say using pepper spray on an unruly 8-year-old was too much. In fairness to the officers, swat team, bomb squad, and k-9 unit on scene, the kid was overweight and looked a lot like John Elway.

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