Showing posts with label navy gay marriage. Show all posts
Showing posts with label navy gay marriage. Show all posts

Monday, August 1, 2011

8/1/11 Monologue

Miley Cyrus took a rather permanent stand in favor of gay marriage, by inking an equal sign onto her finger. “ALL LOVE is equal,” Miley Tweeted on Friday, along with a picture of her new tattoo.

Intense. I’m sure the gay community is stoked to put your finger under a microscope to get a look at your “statement.” Last time I saw a statement this small it came from my savings account.

Maria Shriver and Arnold Schwarzenegger were back together this weekend, as the estranged couple celebrated the former Governor's 64th birthday as a family.

Can’t you just feel Maria slowly giving in? But seriously women, who wouldn’t? Arnold and his sexy accent cooing in your ear. In related news, Maria Shriver’s divorce attorney cancelled her Swiss Alps Chalet purchase.

Colon cleansing was a top story at google news today.
Now I know this is shocking but apparently running a garden hose through a Dawn grease cutter filter straight into your rectum may not be good for you.

Sen. John McCain says he'll vote for compromise legislation averting a government default, though he said "I will probably have to “swallow hard.”
What a Maverick this guy is. We appreciate you taking one for the team Senator McCain. Does the good Senator know what people are going to think? Is this the reference he wants to make? Makes me wonder if he talked to his former running mate before this statement.

Wednesday, May 11, 2011

5/11/11 monologue

Navy officials have suspended recent guidance that would have allowed chaplains to perform weddings for same-sex couples at on-base facilities.
The sailor from the Village People has called this a travesty of justice and is demanding Ted Haggard return his anchor-themed thong.

A Puerto Rican man was arrested by federal agents, 25 years after robbing $7 million from a Wells Fargo Depot in Connecticut.
                In related news, there was actually a puerto rican man in Connecticut in 1986!
Lady Gaga has teamed up with social gaming giant Zynga to promote and celebrate her new album Born This Way ahead of its May 23 launch. This will allow people to interact with a Lady Gaga-inspired farm in the Zynga game FarmVille.
                Who knew that “born this way” referred to being born a capitalist bovine? Bovine I say.
Lindsay Lohan will officially plead no contest to misdemeanor theft tomorrow -- TMZ has learned -- but Lindsay won't be showing up in court.
                Who shows up for a misdemeanor theft case anyway? Winona Ryder you say.

More than 23000 people will soon be notified by their internet service providers that their subscriber information is being turned over to lawyers suing over illegal downloading of the 2010 Sylvester Stallone flick The Expendables.
               
There is no way 23000 people watched this movie in its entirety. They should be sued based on the minutes watched. In which case Sly Stallone will only owe them $23000. This movie was so bad Indiana Jones and the Kingdom of the Crystal Skulls met up with Breakin II Electric Boogaloo to celebrate their slide from the Top 10 movies that induce suicide.