5/12/11 monologue

Lindsay Lohan yesterday was sentenced to 120 days in jail for swiping a necklace, but the judge admitted the actress will probably dodge a cell.

Lindsay said she should not have been in this situation. What situation? Mike from Jersey Shore’s abs? You swiped a necklace and plead no contest. You shouldn’t have been in a jewelry store drunk with no underwear on.  

This week, Sarah Palin's eldest daughter revealed that her slimmer, more angular facade is the result of "corrective jaw surgery" -- "not plastic surgery" -- that she underwent last December.

            I didn’t have “lap band surgery” I had an “aesthetic stomach enhancement.” Please, would you put 34 DD breasts on Calista Flockhart and call it “corrective?” Jay Leno has a jaw that is used in SAT geometry questions but you don’t see him banging Calista Flockhart for aesthetic purposes.

In an interview with Rolling Stone, Donald Trump said he washes his locks with Head and Shoulders, and then lets it air dry.

            This is what we need from a would-be presidential candidate…hair tips.

“Mr. President we have a situation in the middle east.”
            “I only use highlights in the winter and cut every week to avoid split ends.”

And who knew that a billionaire would use head and shoulders? Does this guy have fish sticks for dinner too? Does he sometimes splurge and go to Chipotle?

Newt Gingrich, who announced he was running for president Wednesday, says if elected he will offer a new “Contract with America.”

Newt, if you get elected, we all want a prenup. You had a contract with two ex wives and how did  that work out? Is this the kind of contract where you bang other countries on the side and get them flowers while we stay at home and make your favorite chili and cry when the batteries go dead in the vibrator?

5/11/11 monologue

Navy officials have suspended recent guidance that would have allowed chaplains to perform weddings for same-sex couples at on-base facilities.

The sailor from the Village People has called this a travesty of justice and is demanding Ted Haggard return his anchor-themed thong.

A Puerto Rican man was arrested by federal agents, 25 years after robbing $7 million from a Wells Fargo Depot in Connecticut.

                In related news, there was actually a puerto rican man in Connecticut in 1986!
Lady Gaga has teamed up with social gaming giant Zynga to promote and celebrate her new album Born This Way ahead of its May 23 launch. This will allow people to interact with a Lady Gaga-inspired farm in the Zynga game FarmVille.
                Who knew that “born this way” referred to being born a capitalist bovine? Bovine I say.

Lindsay Lohan will officially plead no contest to misdemeanor theft tomorrow -- TMZ has learned -- but Lindsay won't be showing up in court.

                Who shows up for a misdemeanor theft case anyway? Winona Ryder you say.

More than 23000 people will soon be notified by their internet service providers that their subscriber information is being turned over to lawyers suing over illegal downloading of the 2010 Sylvester Stallone flick The Expendables.

               

There is no way 23000 people watched this movie in its entirety. They should be sued based on the minutes watched. In which case Sly Stallone will only owe them $23000. This movie was so bad Indiana Jones and the Kingdom of the Crystal Skulls met up with Breakin II Electric Boogaloo to celebrate their slide from the Top 10 movies that induce suicide.