5/18/11 monologue

Danish director Lars von Trier gave a shocking press conference for his new film Melancholia in which he admitted to being a Nazi and to understanding Hitler.

In future news, the movie Melancholia had the worst opening ever. It raked in less than Crossroads with Brittany Spears. Even Mel Gibson told Lars to tone it down a bit.

In some more pseudo anti-Semitic news, inspired by Facebook an Israeli couple named their daughter ‘Like’.

Can you imagine reprimanding Like? Do you use the middle name when you are really angry? Like Poke Konigsburg you get over here right now! The Winklevoss twins don’t like Like.

A retired prison guard from Wisconsin in the US has eaten his 25000th hamburger, 39 years to the day since he ate his first nine.

That’s 6410 burgers a year, 17 burgers a day. This guy’s blood type is special sauce. In homage to the Wisconsin native, Brett Farvre sent him a picture of his own meat.

In related news, an Egyptian princess who lived more than 3500 years ago is the oldest known person to have had clogged arteries, dispelling the myth that heart disease is a product of being a prison guard.

5/4/11 monologue

A spokesman for George W. Bush says the former president has declined an invitation from President Barack Obama to attend an observance at New York's ground zero. Jealous much!? Actually former President Bush can’t make it because he’ll be busy on an aircraft carrier claiming “mission accomplished.”

Get this, police arrested a 17-year-old boy accused of robbing an usher who worked at the baseball stadium where the Pittsburgh Pirates play after he stopped his car while having a heart attack on his way home from an extra-inning game. How else was he supposed to pay $50 bucks for a soda and a box of cracker jacks?

The musical "The Book of Mormon" leads with Tony 14 nominations, including one for best musical. What you don’t know is that Joseph Smith hallucinated this years ago.

In more pseudo musical news, Miley Cyrus covered Nirvana’s 'Smells Like Teen Spirit' during a concert in Ecuador last Friday. Can Kurt Cobain kill himself twice? Is that possible?

Nearly 6 in 10 Americans say they would never vote for Donald Trump or Sarah Palin for president, a new poll shows. In related news, 4 in 10 americans are insane.