7/18/11 monologue

Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows: Part 2 racked up $168.6 million over the weekend. That beat the record $158.4 million set in 2008 by the Batman film, The Dark Night.

            Wait till you hear this Christian Bale tirade. “F***ing quidditch! What the f*** is quidditch!?”

In some sad news, J-Lo and Marc Antony are divorcing. The superstar couple announced last Friday they are breaking up.

I think it’s because they don’t have a good couple name like Brangelina. Granted, her ass has a lot of good names but it doesn’t have the same oomph.

The Sarah Palin documentary The Undefeated took an estimated $65000-$75000 in its opening weekend at the US box office, a figure described as "soft" in some reports.

Soft? Any softer and you can wipe your ass with these figures. You would figure that with all the Botox she injects that her movie’s figures would be taut at the least. I want to see her forehead move or wrinkle. Just once.

Guests at the Aria Resort in Las Vegas who visited the hotel between June 25 and July 4 are being notified of the possibility they have been infected with Legionnaires Disease during their stay. What happens in Vegas may include:

           

·         Cough, which may bring up mucus and sometimes blood

·         Shortness of breath

·         Chest pain

·         Fatigue

·         Loss of appetite

·         Gastrointestinal symptoms, such as nausea, vomiting and diarrhea

·         Confusion or other mental changes

And get this, women are more likely to send nude photographs than men, a new study has revealed.

            Yeah, men don’t like the shrinkage that occurs in cell phone images.

7/15/11 monologue

Chris Evans Says Iron Man Would Beat Captain America In A Fight.

                But Chris, who has a bigger penis?

Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie are planning a wedding.

I cannot wait for this wedding! Will it be in Africa? Will they adopt a child at the altar? Or will there be tattoos a la Billy Bob Thornton?

Petra Ecclestone, 22, the daughter of Formula 1 billionaire Bernie Ecclestone, purchased the of 56500-square-foot former home of Candy Spelling. The original asking price was $150 million but Ecclestone got it for a mere $85 million.  

            Yeah, apparently the grill on the patio was old.

7/14/11 monologue

In the cauldron of the White House Cabinet Room, Obama and top lawmakers bargained for nearly two hours Wednesday on spending cuts.

Wow! Two hours. This must be important. C’mon, I’ve spent more time at the DMV for a shitty picture on my driver’s license.

An argument over houseguests led a Southern California woman to cut off her estranged husband's penis and put it down a garbage disposal.

Sheesh, I will buy you an air mattress. Don’t cut off the man’s goods. And why the disposal? Add  it to the compost heap.

            

And just like that, Mila Kunis wants to skip on her date with Sgt. Scott Moore to the Marine Corps Ball, "Access Hollywood" reported.

Mila, Mila, Mila. Why so fickle? I’m sure Scott was really going to show you his M-16 and not, well….you know. “Wanna come back to my barracks and see my M16?”

7/12/11 monologue

A judge on Monday increased bail for Coheed and Cambria bassist Michael Todd accused of stealing prescription painkillers from a pharmacy just hours before a show.

How bad must your band suck if you can’t score any free drugs? That’s why you form a band.

TNT will give the old tv series 'Dallas' reboot.

               

Just what America needs during the recession, I shot JR buttons from Gold Circle. Can’t we write something original like…Jersey Shore.

Arnold Schwarzenegger is set to begin filming his first movie role since a scandal erupted over his love child with a housekeeper.

Word is that the movie is low budget. I guess to match Ahhhnolds affair standards. You didn’t think it would be shakepearean theatre did you?

And lastly, a Marine wooed Mila Kunis into a date.

                Semper fi my man. I guess this marine has already been to Paris Island.

5/12/11 monologue

Lindsay Lohan yesterday was sentenced to 120 days in jail for swiping a necklace, but the judge admitted the actress will probably dodge a cell.

Lindsay said she should not have been in this situation. What situation? Mike from Jersey Shore’s abs? You swiped a necklace and plead no contest. You shouldn’t have been in a jewelry store drunk with no underwear on.  

This week, Sarah Palin's eldest daughter revealed that her slimmer, more angular facade is the result of "corrective jaw surgery" -- "not plastic surgery" -- that she underwent last December.

            I didn’t have “lap band surgery” I had an “aesthetic stomach enhancement.” Please, would you put 34 DD breasts on Calista Flockhart and call it “corrective?” Jay Leno has a jaw that is used in SAT geometry questions but you don’t see him banging Calista Flockhart for aesthetic purposes.

In an interview with Rolling Stone, Donald Trump said he washes his locks with Head and Shoulders, and then lets it air dry.

            This is what we need from a would-be presidential candidate…hair tips.

“Mr. President we have a situation in the middle east.”
            “I only use highlights in the winter and cut every week to avoid split ends.”

And who knew that a billionaire would use head and shoulders? Does this guy have fish sticks for dinner too? Does he sometimes splurge and go to Chipotle?

Newt Gingrich, who announced he was running for president Wednesday, says if elected he will offer a new “Contract with America.”

Newt, if you get elected, we all want a prenup. You had a contract with two ex wives and how did  that work out? Is this the kind of contract where you bang other countries on the side and get them flowers while we stay at home and make your favorite chili and cry when the batteries go dead in the vibrator?

7/7/11 Monologue

Jake Gyllenhaal has lived inside a bubble, confronted an intergalactic bunny and even herded sheep in Wyoming backcountry. But on the tv show Man vs. Wild  he eats a worm.

I don’t see what the big deal is here. How hard can it be to drink tequila while camping?

In sporting news, Roger Clemens arrived at Federal District Court in Washington on Wednesday, where he faces charges of making false statements to Congress about his use of performance-enhancing drugs.

I think we need to cut the Rocket a little slack here. After all, satyrs say crazy things now and again. It’s all the oats.

Thousands of thrill-seekers dashed ahead of six fighting bulls in the streets of the northern Spanish city of Pamplona on Thursday in a fast first running of the bulls in this year's San Fermin festival.

Man the adrenaline pumps every time I think about this: the fear, the mass of the animal, the heavy breathing and then I remember I’m on the treadmill.

Lastly, a new study finds that men with long-term partners are more likely to be satisfied with their relationships if they're getting lots of hugs, cuddles and other signs of physical affection. Just as long as it’s after Sports Center and before the NC17 netflix rental.

6/24/11 monologue

Today is Take Your Dog To Work Day. With the NFL locked out, Mike Vick suited up his dog and showed it a nickel package with a zone blitz. Let’s just say the dog didn’t fare very well.

Justin Bieber launched a new perfume. It is called “Someday”, as in someday I belieb I’ll hit puberty.

A documentary celebrating the career of Sarah Palin will debut next Tuesday in the first-in-the-nation presidential voting state of Iowa. Coincidence? Yes, actually. Because Sarah’s tour bus broke down and she decided to be a high school history teacher. She’s gonna ring those bells and warn the British about the apostles ruining the pyramids.

House of Representatives Democrat Barney Frank and conservative Republican libertarian Ron Paul joined forces to introduce a bill that would take marijuana off the government's list of controlled substances and eliminate criminal penalties. On the one hand I want to applaud this and on the other I fear Barney Frank with the munchies.