Wisdom

People who ignor grammar will rue the day they have a semi in their colon.

There is no hope

-This Progress-

-This Progress-

Not so much a battle as it is a war

Turned upside down and inside out

Like blood, guts, and gore

-They call it progress-

It’s not like it used to be

A pecking order based on might

Has been replaced for the thing that is right

For whom for whom for whom?

Did you take longitude into account?

Me thinks we can’t let this play out

-This Progress-

Jeers jeers jeers from every row

“Have you no compass for these things you know?”

And then with mirror held high I asked

"When were you assigned teleology as your task?"

…her reflection slumped in a very grey light

And again the fire question bloomed

For whom?

-This Progress-

4/14/11 monologue

Well your veep is at it again, Joe Biden caught some z’s during Obama speech yesterday.

And I thought only babies slept so well. Not only can Obama budget well, he can cure insomnia.

Barry “free on” Bonds, baseball's all-time home run king, avoided being convicted of perjury but was found guilty Wednesday of obstructing an investigation in federal court. Hope he’ll autograph an affidavit for me.

A federal judge in Pennsylvania says the popular “I (heart) boobies!” breast cancer fundraising bracelets aren't lewd or vulgar, so it's OK for public school students to wear them. What the good judge doesn’t know is where I am wearing mine. Let me just say that I’m a little worried that my “I (heart) boobies” cocklet makes me look fat.

Speaking of hearting boobies, Jennifer Lopez has been named People's Most Beautiful Woman of 2011. Congrats to Jennifer. All I know is, I could make this list too if I sat next to Steven Tyler all day.

4/13/11 monologue

Have you seen the video of Tom Brady crying while recalling his draft day frustrations? It’s hard to feel sorry for Tom…until you see his butt chin quiver. That is so weird. You start to think he’s trying to shake off a little tiny turd from that thing.

Chuck is as it again. Mr. Charlie Sheen has approved the design for a secret tattoo to be inked on his forearm. Instead of ink though, he is going to use tiger blood captured by warlocks. Kinky.

The nation's first proposed state-backed investment bank for a marijuana business failed Tuesday after a fiery debate in the Colorado House. “Bummer man. We could order some serious Domino’s with our return on investment dude.”

Holly Thompson, 17, was unable to close her mouth after yawning in class. One of Thompson's classmates tried to help her close her gaping pie hole, but to no avail. In related news, she was asked to the prom 43 times that day.

And in Cossack news, a former Miss Russia is facing drug charges for a second time on Tuesday, after allegedly using stolen prescription pads to obtain painkillers and anti-anxiety drugs from pharmacies in New York. Makes you wonder about the standards of the Miss Russia pageant doesn’t it. “And next in zee talent portion eez Miss Omsk. She ist goingk to make zoop from socialist  beets and den drink zee vodka while target shootingk an AK-47.”

4/12/11 monologue

An appeals court has just put the kibosh on Tyler and Cameron Winklevoss's push to get more money out of Mark Zuckerberg. The twins had already signed into a binding contract in 2008 giving them $20 million in cash and a partial ownership of Facebook. Like!

Every cinema will be capable of showing 3D films within five years, James Cameron said yesterday. Just great! It’s not bad enough I have to watch Vin Diesel in 2D?

Check it out, every week, people across the globe spend 3 billion hours playing video games, but that isn't enough for Jane McGonigal. She says video games can help solve some of the world's biggest problems — and we really should be playing more. I didn’t know helping the Mario brothers was a world problem. I thought they had a relatively successful plumbing business.

Benicio Del Toro and Kimberly Stewart are expecting. Kimberly is the 31-year-old daughter of rocker Rod Stewart. Kimberly’s dad just welcomed a baby of his own in February: his eighth child. Rod Stewart has 8 children! Man! What’s the connection between facelifts and strong semen?

Jurors in Barry Bonds' perjury and obstruction of justice trial will return for a third day of deliberations Tuesday. The panel failed to reach a verdict on Monday. Yeah, they keep shaking off the signs.

Expect to see Tom Cruise wailing his way through the upcoming movie "Rock of Ages." Tom is prepping for his role as aging, bad boy rocker Stacee Jaxx by training with Axl Rose's vocal coach.  When I hear Tom Cruise belt out “sha nananananana knees knees” I will convert to scientology…and pay the requisite fees of course… in order to accept Xenu as the tyrant ruler of the Galactic Confederacy. Sha nananananana knees knees!

Weekend Update with Funfunnerfunnest1

Tom Brady, the two-time MVP got teary while talking about the painful start to his pro career. You want pain Tom? Get drafted by the Browns. Cry me a lake Erie that catches on fire Tom. Douche! Tom Brady and Mike Huckabee need to make out in front of Giesele.

China has ordained a new Catholic bishop approved by the Vatican for the first time since ties between the sides soured last year. It is not yet known if China considers being an altar boy a human rights violation.

Get this, the FBI Investigated a UFO in Utah in 1949 after a Utah Highway Patrol officer in Mantua, Utah, spotted a UFO over Utah that exploded. I didn’t even know Utah had marijuana in 1949.

An in the loss of innocence department… after a third set of nude photos of Vanessa Hudgens taken in 2007 surfaced online last month, Vanessa opened up to The LA Times about the effect it's had on her career. How many sets of nude photos are there Vanessa and can you send me the link? I’m sorry Vanessa but when you have an encyclopedia of nude photos you can’t actually expect us to reach out to you. Our hands are full if you know what I mean.

Bob Dylan played his first ever Vietnam show to half-empty venue. Yeah, half of the tickets for Bob Dylan's concert in Vietnam's Ho Chi Minh City went unsold. When your manager books you in Vietnam, it might be time to find another manager. Does Bob’s manager know the Vietnam war is over? What gig is next? Berlin in 1939? Is the tour bus a DeLorean with a flux capacitor?

Archaeologists have unearthed the 5,000-year-old remains of what they believe may have been the world's oldest known gay caveman. They think the caveman was gay because none of the objects that usually accompany male burials such as weapons, stone battle axes and flint knives were found in his grave. That and his differently furred loin cloths were ironed with heavy starch.

And in the wow department, increasing numbers of women admit to being hooked on internet porn. Al Gore is taking credit.