5/10/11 monologue

After a 25-year marriage as one of the nation's leading power couples in Hollywood and politics, Arnold Schwarzenegger and Maria Shriver have split up.

Now some nasty rumors are flying fast that Arnold’s heath is an issue but trust me, it’s naht a toomah.

Speaking of horrible rumors, Newt Gingrich is running for president.

Mike Huckabee doesn’t believe in evolution and Newt Gingrich doesn’t believe in marital fidelity. I think we have the republican ticket. It’s like Newt thinks every next wife is the missing link. 

Four planets will cluster together next week.  Jupiter will hang low in the sky, along with Venus, Mars and Mercury.

Sources report that Pluto has issued a statement saying “blow me.”

Some Canadian women organized the first Toronto SlutWalk. They did so after a police officer told a group of students that women should not dress like sluts if they want to avoid being sexually assaulted. This gives a whole new meaning to a pride parade.  And get this, Further SlutWalks are planned in the states of Arizona, California, Colorado, Florida, Georgia, Illinois, Indiana, Louisiana, Maine, Maryland, Michigan, Nevada, New Jersey, New Mexico, New York, North Carolina, Oregon, Pennsylvania, Texas, Utah, Washington and Wisconsin.

I just have one thing to say, ROAD TRIP!

5/9/11 monologue

Videos out now provide revealing images of what Osama bin Laden's life may have been like while he was in hiding. Not surprisingly, in the longest clip, he watches coverage of himself on television.

The only thing missing was “hi mom” to the camera.

Phil Jackson is calling it a career, ending the most successful run by any coach in NBA history. We’re going to miss Phil.

Kobe Bryant is so upset of Phil’s retirement he is going to buy his wife a ring.

The home alone house is for sale but I think it is going to go fast.

Joe Pesci is going to buy it and burn it to the ground. That thing killed his career.

Longshot Animal Kingdom won Kentucky Derby but the real news is Kate Gosselin's Derby Hat.

Looks like Man o War had too many mint juleps and defecated on Kate’s head.

An unruly passenger on board an American Airlines flight bound for San Francisco had to be subdued by two retired law-enforcement officers after he began yelling and pounding on the cockpit door.

                Either this guy mistook a valium for a laxative or he really like movies with gladiators.

5/6/11 monologue

Thor opens this weekend. Thor is cast out of the fantastic realm of Asgard for his arrogance, and is sent to Earth to live among humans where he falls in love with scientist Jane Foster ,learns some much-needed lessons, and his newfound strength comes into play as a villain from his homeland sends dark forces toward Earth.

Yeah, unless Natalie Portman kisses another woman, I’m going to see Hobo With A Shotgun.

Yesterday thousands thronged the barricades in effort to get as close as possible to President Obama while he visited the hallowed site of Ground Zero.

Yeah, it looked like the old footage of girls crying over the Beatles but in this case every republican in the world was crying.

Yer boy, Nic Cage is off the hook in his domestic abuse case. Cage, who was arrested in New Orleans last month after arguing on the street with his wife while allegedly drunk, will not face charges.

This is good news for Nic but it hurts his chances to star in Thor II: Staple Gun. Actually, can Nic Cage hurt his image? Is it possible? If Nic Cage was found to be assisting al qaeda, wouldn’t we know that he was phoning that in too?

'JetMan' plans flight over Arizona's Grand Canyon. Yeah, this guy straps a rocket to his back and wants to try going over the grand canyon.

               

What could go wrong right? Let’s ask Eval Knieval. Wait, wait…I’m getting word that Eval won’t be able to comment because after his jump, they could not find his mouth.

And lastly, humble Best Buy employee Roger Kline was terminated from his position after he tackled a man who was running from the store with stolen computers.

Yeah, and to add insult to injury, he was fined from the NFL for going to the head. I want Roger Kline to be the star of Thor III: Tool Belt.

5/5/11 monologue

Well, President Obama decided not to release a photo of Osama bin Laden because the photo is too graphic. Has the president seen a CBS crime show? Between the crime shows and the movie 300 there’s enough blood to sate the twilight vampires. Totally team Edward.

Apple has released a software update to fix a glitch that saw iPhones and iPads secretly record owners' movements. Yeah, the software update comes in a pill that you swallow.

A provocative European study suggests that moderate salt intake might be no problem and that diets very low in salt could be a recipe for trouble. Can we please make up our minds on this because I’m thinking of having bacon and a bottle of red wine for every meal.

Rosie Huntington-Whiteley, making her big-screen debut in this summer's Transformers: Dark of the Moon, has topped Maxim's annual Hot 100 list. Congratulations, I’m sure Rosie will create rosie palms all over the US. But Rosie, a word of advice, when you try to make the leap to acting, Transformers may not be the best vehicle. This is like making the leap to art collecting with the dogs playing poker portrait.

5/4/11 monologue

A spokesman for George W. Bush says the former president has declined an invitation from President Barack Obama to attend an observance at New York's ground zero. Jealous much!? Actually former President Bush can’t make it because he’ll be busy on an aircraft carrier claiming “mission accomplished.”

Get this, police arrested a 17-year-old boy accused of robbing an usher who worked at the baseball stadium where the Pittsburgh Pirates play after he stopped his car while having a heart attack on his way home from an extra-inning game. How else was he supposed to pay $50 bucks for a soda and a box of cracker jacks?

The musical "The Book of Mormon" leads with Tony 14 nominations, including one for best musical. What you don’t know is that Joseph Smith hallucinated this years ago.

In more pseudo musical news, Miley Cyrus covered Nirvana’s 'Smells Like Teen Spirit' during a concert in Ecuador last Friday. Can Kurt Cobain kill himself twice? Is that possible?

Nearly 6 in 10 Americans say they would never vote for Donald Trump or Sarah Palin for president, a new poll shows. In related news, 4 in 10 americans are insane.

5/3/11 monologue

You’ve seen the simulation of the attack on Bin Laden’s compound. The US military totally ripped off Black Ops Tour of Duty.

Get this, a flurry of small studies suggest that sex is as good for your health as vitamin D and broccoli. It not only relieves stress, improves sleep and burns calories, it can also reduce pain, ease depression, strengthen blood vessels, boost the immune system and lower the risk of prostate and breast cancer. But, masturbation only increases hand-penis coordination. You do the math.

Former Governor. “Hot” Rod Blagojevich will take the stand today. His testimony should be fucking golden.

Flavor Flav was arrested in Las Vegas. But not for what you might think. He stole a very expensive german-made clock. But he was easily spotted because he wore it as a necklace.

Rick Springfield was also arrested. Looks like he’s not taking not getting Jessie’s girl so well.

Classical Music

Liszt's Liebestraum doesn't translate as nocturnal emission. That is incorrect.