10. Chess Match of 83. U.S. Government wins with stunning rook to kings 4 despite divine intervention.
9. Food stamps used to purchase bottled water only to be transubstantiated into wine, millions drunk. Chalk one up for the Catholic church.
8. Hilary Clinton ordained as priestess of white house functions, despite Catholic resistance.
7. White House football game vs US Bishops turns nasty when Bishop Barkley late hits Colin Powell.
6. John F Kennedy confesses to “bangin’ a ton of broads” despite Washington DC Diocese calling for infidelity truce.
5. Gay marriage legalized causing numerous priests to leave the church for careers in home décor.
4. Even though Pope John Paul recognizes the legitimacy of evolution, still feels that Bonobos in U.S. Zoos should practice the rhythm method.
3. US Government subsidized rosary beads only to find out garlic is better at warding off vampires.
2. National Guard Troops ordered to storm Georgetown University after allowing Villanova to shoot something like 80% from the field in NCAA Championship Game.
1. Catholic priests protest law requiring all mass wine be a Beaujolais by sit-in outside the Lincoln memorial drunk on Pinot. Law overturned.