Thursday, March 31, 2011

3/31/11 Monologue

Since 2002, there's been a 30 percent increase in female-run farms across the country. I don’t know about you but this utterly turns me on.
Former California governor Ahhhnold Schwarzenegger is going to star as a cartoon superhero called “The Governator.” It is not yet known what superpower the Governator will have but we’re guessing budgeting isn’t one of them.

Next time you call your parole officer, keep in mind that The Journal of the American Medical Association indicated that talking on your cell phone could alter brain activity. Yeah, it increases glucose metabolism. So the longer we talk, the more doughnuts we can eat. Cops everywhere are calling each other: Phone in one hand, doughnut in the other.
Speaking of doughnuts, A morbidly obese Ohio man died after police found him fused to a chair he had not moved from in two years and were forced to cut a hole in the wall of his house just to get him out, WTOV-TV reported Wednesday.The unnamed 43-year-old man's roommates called police who found him unconscious. The man lived with two able-bodied roommates -- including his girlfriend, who officials said fed him since he never got up. I’m guessing the girlfriend was a gymnast of some sort since the man WAS FUSED TO A CHAIR FOR 2 YEARS!
Lastly, Starbucks turned 40 this March. The store celebrated with a Double Ristretto Venti Nonfat Organic Chocolate Brownie Frappuccino Extra Hot with Foam and Whipped Cream Upside Down Double Blended.

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