Friday, February 22, 2013

The Mother of Invention

Scientist: I’ve built a machine that can read minds.
Scientist Assistant:  Oooh ooooh what am I thinking, what am I thinking?
Scientist: I don’t need a machine for that. You’re thinking about lunch.
Scientist Assistant:  Cool! How’d you do that?
Scientist: It’s after breakfast and before dinner time. Now help me with the neuronal-transducer steam engine. I need to plug it in to the electro-centrifuge.
Scientist Assistant:  You mean the blender?
Scientist: Oh just get out of the way. Here, go hook these up to the wire hangers over there.
Scientist Assistant: Should these wires be exposed like this?
Scientist: Who do you think you are working for here? Tesla’s third cousin? I have a degree from MIT. I cut the power to those so go go, hook’ em up.
Scientist Assistant: That’s a welding school.
Scientist: Metallurgy Institute with Tools also taught electronics! You saw the stereo speakers…I hooked up.
Scientist Assistant: It’s just that the wires are warm.
Scientist: They’re supposed to be that way. They heat the induction facsimile trans planter. If it’s not warm it can’t make it through the ear canal. Duh.
Scientist Assistant: I don’t know. Exposed wires connected to coat hangers. I think there’s a risk of shock.
Scientist: Do you have a degree? No, no you don’t. Do you have any idea what my budget here is? Huh? Any idea? An inkling? Look if this works we’re both gonna be on easy street. Now pretty please, with nougat on top, go hook up the wires.
Scientist Assistant: You think we’ll be rich?
Scientist: Not only rich but we’re gonna know what women are thinking! Imagine it!
Scientist Assistant: What if we know they think we’re dorks?
Scientist: Nonsense.
Scientist Assistant: I think that is what they think now.
Scientist: You are almost there, go ahead and attach those…
Scientist Assistant: Why can’t we ask them what they think?
Scientist: I didn’t go to school all those year…to ask questions. Now you’ve got one, just attach the other…
Scientist Assistant: Should you be holding that…
Scientist: Holding wha-
Scientist Assistant: You ok! Are you ok?
Scientist: Are my eyebrows smoking? It smells like burnt hair.
Scientist Assistant: I think your nose hairs caught on fire. And actually, where your eyebrows were, is smoking, your forehead is smoking.
Scientist: Great, just great. If I never invent this, I’ll never know what women are thinking.
Scientist Assistant: You are married.
Scientist: The mother of invention my good man, the mother of invention.

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