Wednesday, December 5, 2012

Captain and Officer – Jazz Hands

Captain: Did you have the guys at the lab dust for prints or retrieve any hair samples from the jazz player’s piano. I think this guy murdered his drummer on this piano!
Officer: I did, just like you asked captain. It wasn’t his drummer that was murdered; it was his alto sax player. The drummer is missing.
Captain: Well what did they get from the piano?
Officer: A lot of pubic hair and some fingerprints.
Captain: That’s great, this case is looking up.
Officer: Well, the pubic hair doesn’t help because it is apparently from a 6 foot tall albino woman with webbed feet with a penchant for bad merlot and most of it was burnt in some sort of pagan ritual to the point that it can’t prove useful and the fingerprints belong to the drummer. But we do have some good news.
Captain: Well what is the good news?
Officer: We think the drummer also plays piano.
Captain: That’s great. Play misty for me! This guy did it, I know it. We’ve got motive and opportunity. He hated that sax player; he knew he was sleeping with his mistress on the side and was soloing way too long and he sounded like Kenny G crying to Guy Lombardo. He threw this late night jam session just to get him over there. What do we have on the albino woman?
Officer: We think she was singing that night but things turned ugly when she requested a swingin’ version of Mmm Bop by the Hanson brothers.
Captain: Makes sense. What about the mistress? Anyone lean on her yet, good cop bad cop her?
Officer: We sent Markowics and Hershburger to her place but they ended up in the ER with posttraumatic stress disorder.
Captain: What happened?
Officer: She was into the heavy stuff captain. All the fusion stuff of Miles and Coltrane’s Love Supreme - they never had a chance, poor bastards. Hershburger has kids. How do you play catch with your kid after Bitches Brew?
Captain: Hmmm. Did the sax player have any other enemies?
Officer: Plenty, including the bass player.
Captain: So the whole band hated this guy.
Officer: He was a vegetarian to boot.
Captain: So let me get this straight, the whole band hates the sax player, the piano player knows the sax player is sleeping with his mistress, he then throws a late night jam session to off him, where a walking bass line breaks out over Mmm Bop when an albino Sarah Vaughn winds up mixed up in an electric shaving ritual for Thor, the sax players winds up dead, the drummer missing, but we can’t pin it on anybody? Have they at least given the cause of death?
Officer: They have: Acute respiratory failure due to complications of having a low E bass string wrapped around the neck.
Captain: Hmm, choked with a bass string. Well we can’t accuse Ernie Ball now can we?
Officer: I already told you that the drummer is missing.

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