The Funner: Hello Mr. Pesci. Thank you so much for being here. I can’t begin to tell you how much of an honor it is to have you here. I am a huge fan of your work, especially the latest snickers commercial.
Joe Pesci: Ha ha. That’s one. Don’t get two.
The Funner: Now you’ve had a great career and we will definitely get to that but first I want to talk about your relationship with Angie Everhart. Now you are 5’2 in high heels and she 6’ when kneeling. What was that like?
Joe Pesci: The height difference wasn’t a concern to either of us you know. Just made it work. I have a portable ladder.
The Funner: C’mon Joe, give us some dirt here. The American people deserve to know some details. What was it like in the bedroom? Was she like, just, a sexy set of monkey bars with a gorgeous mane on top?
Joe Pesci: Well I didn’t swing from her if that is what you are implying; my arms couldn’t get that high. There are, let us say, some advantages to height differences in the bedroom. My neck never got sore.
The Funner: Good to know. So let’s just get it over with and talk about Goodfellas you stuttering prick!
Joe Pesci: Man o’ man are you busting my balls here.
The Funner: Now go shine your fucking shoe box!
Joe Pesci: Ha ha. That’s two.
The Funner: It never gets old.
Joe Pesci: No, never.
The Funner: Ok, moving on, Raging Bull, your thoughts?
Joe Pesci: About what exactly?
The Funner: Cathy Moriarty of course.
Joe Pesci: A fine actress who gave a smoking gun performance in Raging Bull.
The Funner: You bang her? Kid, I kid. Now you play guitar and sing. Where did that come from?
Joe Pesci: That’s 3. This interview is over. This is just a hatchet job.
The Funner: What are you Bill O’ Reilly? Did you ever stab anyone with a hatchet?
Joe Pesci: I am not the characters I play.
The Funner: Oh sure, just like Ron Howard isn’t little Opie Cunningham. Woody Allen can talk all day long about his movies not being autobiographical but we all know he thinks Alan Alda is a fascist.
Joe Pesci: Opie Taylor and Richie Cunningham are two different characters from two different shows.
The Funner: How hard was it to memorize the lines for that snickers commercial? I can’t get over you and Angie Everhart. She is from my hometown you know, Akron, Ohio. Or as the locals call it, Crackron.
Joe Pesci: Never been. Why don’t you ask me about my upcoming projects?
The Funner: Well that’s all the time we have. I want to thank my guests, Joe Pesci, The Great Barberetzkiham and his pet gerbil Richie Gere. Let’s have the band take us out with a Joe Pesci original: I Think You’ll Crack Under Questioning You Stuttering Prick! Joe get up and sing. Oh’ cmon, don’t be a prick you stuttering prick. Oh please, come up and sing. What are you gonna do, whack me off you mafia midget…
[Fight on stage ensues]