Sports Bits

Tidbits, tidbits, tidbits. Say that word enough and you’ll become aroused around dog food. That’s just scientific fact.

Now onto the bids of tit.

Ray Lewis, yes, pissed off for greatness Ray Lewis, has apparently ingested elk antler spray, which the NFL in its wisdom, has banned because if anything is going to give players an illegal edge it’s ungulate bones. Now hold on just one sec before you start judging Ray Ray. This is a man of god we are talking about so judge lest ye be judged. What’s that you say? He was implicated in a double homicide? Oh good grief, we all make mistakes. Why just last night I forgot to use my blinker. What’s that, he obstructed justice? Aren’t we splitting hairs here people, obstruction of justice, doubling up on coupons, we ALL make mistakes. The man cried at the national anthem for cryin out loud! You haters need to embrace embrace embrace. What’s that, he’s fathered multiple children and has never been married? This is a liberated man we’re talkin’ about. How can he do god’s work and marry up too? You expect too much. Ray Lewis is a shining beacon we can all get behind and deep in our hearts we hope he’ll hide the evidence of our wrong doing, if the elk semen doesn’t kill him first. That stuff just can’t be good for you.

Dan Marino, one time Miami Dolphin and Don Shula legacy murderer, who rose to fame for losing to Joe Montana and for of course holding the laces out in that hall of fame caliber comedy Ace Ventura, has admitted that he fathered a child to a mistress and paid millions to keep her quiet, and that while he put up big numbers in the regular season, played like a frightened school girl in the playoffs. When asked about his legacy by reporters Mr. Marino apologized profusely to those he may have hurt through his playoff play and flat performance in Ace Ventura.  It is rumored that CBS may cut ties with the NFL broadcaster for his playoff interception to touchdown ratio and for basically wrecking Sean Young’s career.  The child, a girl, though only 7, has signed a national letter of intent with Pitt.

Tiger Woods won the Futile Open with a 7 under who cares and took home a Buick with bucket seats and tires that roll. He beat out 40 other golfers to win the coveted bracket bet of the AFC championship game.