Friday, January 18, 2013

Death is for Suckers

Have you ever stopped to think for the briefest of seconds about how we use the phrase "afterlife"? You’ve realized that what we mean is life after life.
Um, yeah, couple of questions: Where does the after part come in? If there is no after part why do we talk about death? All this eternal life goin’ on with all this death goin’ on isn’t quite possible now is it?
Unless, unless we equivocate like mad hatters inside a Looney bin filled with pharmaceuticals and booze after a week-long Vegas bender chock full of ego altering substances and dimension warping inhalants.
What’s that you ask? What is “equivocate?” Equivocate refers to changing the meaning of a word…behind your back essentially.
You ever been offered a free month of something and come to learn that by free they mean you pay for 11 months at a rate where they recoup the so called free month. And you learn that free month or not, your wallet is $1200 bones lighter. Wait, it gets better. One can see equivocation in teenager speak: “I like him but I don’t like him like him.” Of course we all know the translation is that “I don’t like him.”
Which brings us to death? I guess death doesn’t happen, at least not to us humans. I guess these folks mean, and here is the equivocation part, that we “leave” earth but we certainly don’t die. Die means to cease living and if there is an afterlife there cannot be cessation of living now can there. But, if you think back to my point about us humans, it is important to note that non-human mammals, for example, do indeed die. Oh, I don’t know, pick your favorite mammal (, like your pooch Rexie or your cat Annabel or even that stray elk you picked up in Wyoming and named Oscar…your favorite mammal…dies. Yep, it ceases living at some point. Probably after the heavily infused Dominoes pizza diet you gave to Oscar.
I think I feel a rub. Definite rubbage. Rubbing the old nads and I think chafing may result. What if, what if you live in, oh I don’t know, this, let us say, century….no no no, too tough, let us say you live in the post 2011’s and believe that evolution is true. If evolution is true then this same process takes the same stuff and makes you me and Dupree, Dupree being your pet bonobo that uses your toilet…most of the time.
Why the different fates? One never dies, but poor Dupree falls out of a jerry-rigged tree house you created from balsa wood and kitchen string and falls 20 feet through a kitchen skylight face-first into your cast iron skillet filled with hot pancake batter. Dupree ceases to live, that is to say, Dupree dies.
Unless, wait, oh my goodness, is there, could there, maybe, is there a complete mammal afterlife? Yessssss! This fixes our little problem. All mammals (not just dogs) go to heaven! Niiice.
But wait, if evolution is true, then what about the non-mammals? Oh hell, we’ll through them in too. Party time! Be it rats, squids, fungus, spores…hop on board people, this trains headed for eternity and you are on it. Fuck death. Death is for suckers.

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