Thursday, November 15, 2012

11/15/12 Monologue

Just one day after former Seahawks tight end Jerramy Stevens was arrested on suspicion of assaulting his bride to be Hope Solo, the two were married.
Dear Kim Kardashian, your 72 day marriage record may be in trouble. When you get into a fisticuffs at your rehearsal dinner, what the hell happens at cocktail hour? A tag team match between groomsmen and bridesmaids with a sideshow of in-laws knife fighting?

A furious Rex Ryan lashed into his team Wednesday morning, telling his players it was "cowardly" for some of them to anonymously rip Tim Tebow in a newspaper article.
Tebow was his usual gracious self after the bashing, openly acknowledging that is was god’s plan that he can’t complete a five yard slant or recognize a cover 2. 

The Seattle Police Department has come out with a practical guide to marijuana use posted on their website. The department's post has been viewed more than 120,000 times.
            What hasn’t been reported is that the Seattle Dominoes has sold over
            120,000 pizzas.           

The absence of vast swaths of summer sea ice is changing the behavior of Pacific walrus, federal scientists said Wednesday.
In fact, one walrus was spotted in a Hawaiian shirt, apparently drunk and hitting on the Kardashian mom.            

If sales hold up, One Direction could sell half a million records in one week.
The band’s manager said the members plan on giving some of the profits to a charity that helps kids straighten their hair after hurricane sandy.

Dr Gerald Crabtree of Stanford thinks humans may be (slowly) losing intellectual and emotional abilities because they're at risk from mutation or loss from the genome.
            What?! Get out! And here I thought episodes of Bridezillas was makin us so’s dumb.

Researchers have found a 'monogamy hormone' they say may help men stay faithful to their partner. The researchers found the chemical oxytocin could act as a 'fidelity marker' in men.
            Guys, you can forget the prenup, just pee into this cup.

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