6/24/11 monologue

Today is Take Your Dog To Work Day. With the NFL locked out, Mike Vick suited up his dog and showed it a nickel package with a zone blitz. Let’s just say the dog didn’t fare very well.

Justin Bieber launched a new perfume. It is called “Someday”, as in someday I belieb I’ll hit puberty.

A documentary celebrating the career of Sarah Palin will debut next Tuesday in the first-in-the-nation presidential voting state of Iowa. Coincidence? Yes, actually. Because Sarah’s tour bus broke down and she decided to be a high school history teacher. She’s gonna ring those bells and warn the British about the apostles ruining the pyramids.

House of Representatives Democrat Barney Frank and conservative Republican libertarian Ron Paul joined forces to introduce a bill that would take marijuana off the government's list of controlled substances and eliminate criminal penalties. On the one hand I want to applaud this and on the other I fear Barney Frank with the munchies.

5/23/11 monologue

Mahmoud Ahmadinejad has accused Western countries of plotting to "cause drought" in Iran by using high tech equipment to drain the clouds of raindrops. Mahmoud, if the west could drain clouds, could you imagine the plumbing fees? And you thought running a snake down your toilet fix was expensive?

New York City has banned smoking in all public parks, beaches and pedestrian plazas. The ban will be enforced by a $50 fine. New York is getting tough. This fine is only to be slightly outdone by the $100 fine for vehicular homicide.

If Maria Shriver decides to file for divorce from Arnold Schwarzenegger, the payout could put Tiger Woods' $110 million divorce to shame. Get ready to see Arnold in some movies fast folks. He’ll be thrusting through action flicks quicker than he thrusts through a maid staff.

The much-mocked hat worn by Princess Beatrice to Britain's royal wedding last month -- widely described as looking like a toilet seat — sold for $131,000 on eBay. The hat looks like a toilet seat, which means the head below looks like a turd.

5/20/11

The Queen of England won over the Dublin doubters who thought the four-day trip to Ireland would simply be an extravagant, expensive tour by an archaic, arrogant monarch. Yeah, apparently she did it by getting “real” with the Irish. In some related news, the Queen of England needs a liver transplant. Guess she got a little too real with the Irish.  

Get this, prices at gas pump painful for 4 in 10 Americans. I had no idea 6 in 10 americans rode mopeds. 

In some exciting news, Playboy has launched a digital subscription service for the Ipad where the entire back catalogue of issues can be viewed by the salivating public. No better place to view porn than on the subway I always say. No need to imagine Kim Kardashian’s ass before I frotterize.

Sarah Palin's eldest son, Track, 22, recently married his high school sweetheart, Britta, 21, in a small ceremony in Hatcher Pass, Alaska. "Track and Britta," for when you’re thirsty during your workout.  I can’t wait to welcome their children "Ramp and Cello."

The Oregon Supreme Court unanimously ruled Thursday that a retired school bus driver can have her medical marijuana and a concealed handgun, too. Don’t get excited folks, I guarantee she turns the gun into a bong. Guarantee it!

What is everyone wearing for the apocolypse?

5/19/11 monologue

Looks like things are turning around for Newt Gingrich. Maybe you’ve seen that a protestor dumped glitter on him.

But this is exciting for Newt because his campaign managers want to make lemonade out of lemons so they are trying to get Newt on the next episode of Glee. He’s going to break into Sky Rockets in Flight.

Are you ready for the apocalypse? Predictions from a small American religious sect have gained widespread attention. They predict that May 21, 2011 is “Judgment Day” based on adding up dates in the bible.

Stephen Hawking checked their math and came to the conclusion that Kirk Cameron is a douche. Who knew you could prove that with math?

In clown news, Ronald McDonald, the orange and white face of McDonalds is under attack by nutrition advocates who want him to be retired.

In related news, the Hamburgler will become the face of McDonalds’ new Steal My Meat’ campaign. I think it needs a little work.

In Movie news, Jodie Foster’s Beaver got a standing ovation in Cannes.

The French. Cmon show some class. In America we respect our filmmakers for their art, not their pets.

The Olsen twins showed up at the new york premier of Woody Allen’s new film. But, as you can see, being the great method actors they are, they never broke character from their roles as dying vampires for the latest twilight film: ‘The Blood Drought’

5/18/11 monologue

Danish director Lars von Trier gave a shocking press conference for his new film Melancholia in which he admitted to being a Nazi and to understanding Hitler.

In future news, the movie Melancholia had the worst opening ever. It raked in less than Crossroads with Brittany Spears. Even Mel Gibson told Lars to tone it down a bit.

In some more pseudo anti-Semitic news, inspired by Facebook an Israeli couple named their daughter ‘Like’.

Can you imagine reprimanding Like? Do you use the middle name when you are really angry? Like Poke Konigsburg you get over here right now! The Winklevoss twins don’t like Like.

A retired prison guard from Wisconsin in the US has eaten his 25000th hamburger, 39 years to the day since he ate his first nine.

That’s 6410 burgers a year, 17 burgers a day. This guy’s blood type is special sauce. In homage to the Wisconsin native, Brett Farvre sent him a picture of his own meat.

In related news, an Egyptian princess who lived more than 3500 years ago is the oldest known person to have had clogged arteries, dispelling the myth that heart disease is a product of being a prison guard.

5/17/11 monologue

It appears the mussels from Brussels also likes the bearded clams.  Arnold Schwarzenegger fathered a baby with a member of his household staff, and that is what sent Skelator, er I mean Maria Shriver packing. The help Arnold?  We have a pic of her.

Former Massachusetts Gov. Mitt Romney pulled in an eye-popping $10.3 million during a national fundraising effort Monday…

or as Bill Gates calls it, loose change.

Researchers believe that they have found the exact master gene that causes obesity.

Man it is such good news that overeating and never exercising don’t cause obesity. I think I’ll get a pizza and follow it with fried dough and catch a Baywatch marathon.

Folks are fired up that on a Queen Liza’s visit to Ireland the military stopped a bus and defused a "viable device" found inside.

This is an overreaction folks. For the irish this is just a part of happy hour. Erin go boom!

Gotta love sports fans. Carlos Santana went off at the annual Civil Rights game about the Arizona immigration law and told fans that: “The people of Arizona, and the people of Atlanta, Georgia, you should be ashamed of yourselves. This law is not correct. It's a cruel law, actually.”

                At which point one fan yelled out that “so is a duet with Michelle Branch.”

White People Blues (in Ab)

White People Blues (in Ab)

Banana Republic ran out of khakis

And the espresso machine is jammed

repeat

I have to pay junior’s fraternity dues

I’ve got those white people blues

Hootie and the Blowfish broke up

NBC cancelled my favorite show

repeat

So many desserts at Cracker Barrel I just can’t choose

I’ve got those white people blues

I can’t dance

My volkswagon jetta needs waxed

repeat

My offshore interest accounts have me so confused

I’ve got those white people blues

                BRIDGE

                My wife wants to go to the caymen’s

                My kids want the azores

                Hard to find time to golf

                When you’re tanning on distant shores, you know I’ve got those

White people blues