5/20/11

The Queen of England won over the Dublin doubters who thought the four-day trip to Ireland would simply be an extravagant, expensive tour by an archaic, arrogant monarch. Yeah, apparently she did it by getting “real” with the Irish. In some related news, the Queen of England needs a liver transplant. Guess she got a little too real with the Irish.  

Get this, prices at gas pump painful for 4 in 10 Americans. I had no idea 6 in 10 americans rode mopeds. 

In some exciting news, Playboy has launched a digital subscription service for the Ipad where the entire back catalogue of issues can be viewed by the salivating public. No better place to view porn than on the subway I always say. No need to imagine Kim Kardashian’s ass before I frotterize.

Sarah Palin's eldest son, Track, 22, recently married his high school sweetheart, Britta, 21, in a small ceremony in Hatcher Pass, Alaska. "Track and Britta," for when you’re thirsty during your workout.  I can’t wait to welcome their children "Ramp and Cello."

The Oregon Supreme Court unanimously ruled Thursday that a retired school bus driver can have her medical marijuana and a concealed handgun, too. Don’t get excited folks, I guarantee she turns the gun into a bong. Guarantee it!

What is everyone wearing for the apocolypse?

5/17/11 monologue

It appears the mussels from Brussels also likes the bearded clams.  Arnold Schwarzenegger fathered a baby with a member of his household staff, and that is what sent Skelator, er I mean Maria Shriver packing. The help Arnold?  We have a pic of her.

Former Massachusetts Gov. Mitt Romney pulled in an eye-popping $10.3 million during a national fundraising effort Monday…

or as Bill Gates calls it, loose change.

Researchers believe that they have found the exact master gene that causes obesity.

Man it is such good news that overeating and never exercising don’t cause obesity. I think I’ll get a pizza and follow it with fried dough and catch a Baywatch marathon.

Folks are fired up that on a Queen Liza’s visit to Ireland the military stopped a bus and defused a "viable device" found inside.

This is an overreaction folks. For the irish this is just a part of happy hour. Erin go boom!

Gotta love sports fans. Carlos Santana went off at the annual Civil Rights game about the Arizona immigration law and told fans that: “The people of Arizona, and the people of Atlanta, Georgia, you should be ashamed of yourselves. This law is not correct. It's a cruel law, actually.”

                At which point one fan yelled out that “so is a duet with Michelle Branch.”