8/1/11 Monologue

Miley Cyrus took a rather permanent stand in favor of gay marriage, by inking an equal sign onto her finger. “ALL LOVE is equal,” Miley Tweeted on Friday, along with a picture of her new tattoo.

Intense. I’m sure the gay community is stoked to put your finger under a microscope to get a look at your “statement.” Last time I saw a statement this small it came from my savings account.

Maria Shriver and Arnold Schwarzenegger were back together this weekend, as the estranged couple celebrated the former Governor's 64th birthday as a family.

Can’t you just feel Maria slowly giving in? But seriously women, who wouldn’t? Arnold and his sexy accent cooing in your ear. In related news, Maria Shriver’s divorce attorney cancelled her Swiss Alps Chalet purchase.

Colon cleansing was a top story at google news today.

Now I know this is shocking but apparently running a garden hose through a Dawn grease cutter filter straight into your rectum may not be good for you.

Sen. John McCain says he'll vote for compromise legislation averting a government default, though he said "I will probably have to “swallow hard.”

What a Maverick this guy is. We appreciate you taking one for the team Senator McCain. Does the good Senator know what people are going to think? Is this the reference he wants to make? Makes me wonder if he talked to his former running mate before this statement.

7/12/11 monologue

A judge on Monday increased bail for Coheed and Cambria bassist Michael Todd accused of stealing prescription painkillers from a pharmacy just hours before a show.

How bad must your band suck if you can’t score any free drugs? That’s why you form a band.

TNT will give the old tv series 'Dallas' reboot.

               

Just what America needs during the recession, I shot JR buttons from Gold Circle. Can’t we write something original like…Jersey Shore.

Arnold Schwarzenegger is set to begin filming his first movie role since a scandal erupted over his love child with a housekeeper.

Word is that the movie is low budget. I guess to match Ahhhnolds affair standards. You didn’t think it would be shakepearean theatre did you?

And lastly, a Marine wooed Mila Kunis into a date.

                Semper fi my man. I guess this marine has already been to Paris Island.

5/17/11 monologue

It appears the mussels from Brussels also likes the bearded clams.  Arnold Schwarzenegger fathered a baby with a member of his household staff, and that is what sent Skelator, er I mean Maria Shriver packing. The help Arnold?  We have a pic of her.

Former Massachusetts Gov. Mitt Romney pulled in an eye-popping $10.3 million during a national fundraising effort Monday…

or as Bill Gates calls it, loose change.

Researchers believe that they have found the exact master gene that causes obesity.

Man it is such good news that overeating and never exercising don’t cause obesity. I think I’ll get a pizza and follow it with fried dough and catch a Baywatch marathon.

Folks are fired up that on a Queen Liza’s visit to Ireland the military stopped a bus and defused a "viable device" found inside.

This is an overreaction folks. For the irish this is just a part of happy hour. Erin go boom!

Gotta love sports fans. Carlos Santana went off at the annual Civil Rights game about the Arizona immigration law and told fans that: “The people of Arizona, and the people of Atlanta, Georgia, you should be ashamed of yourselves. This law is not correct. It's a cruel law, actually.”

                At which point one fan yelled out that “so is a duet with Michelle Branch.”

5/10/11 monologue

After a 25-year marriage as one of the nation's leading power couples in Hollywood and politics, Arnold Schwarzenegger and Maria Shriver have split up.

Now some nasty rumors are flying fast that Arnold’s heath is an issue but trust me, it’s naht a toomah.

Speaking of horrible rumors, Newt Gingrich is running for president.

Mike Huckabee doesn’t believe in evolution and Newt Gingrich doesn’t believe in marital fidelity. I think we have the republican ticket. It’s like Newt thinks every next wife is the missing link. 

Four planets will cluster together next week.  Jupiter will hang low in the sky, along with Venus, Mars and Mercury.

Sources report that Pluto has issued a statement saying “blow me.”

Some Canadian women organized the first Toronto SlutWalk. They did so after a police officer told a group of students that women should not dress like sluts if they want to avoid being sexually assaulted. This gives a whole new meaning to a pride parade.  And get this, Further SlutWalks are planned in the states of Arizona, California, Colorado, Florida, Georgia, Illinois, Indiana, Louisiana, Maine, Maryland, Michigan, Nevada, New Jersey, New Mexico, New York, North Carolina, Oregon, Pennsylvania, Texas, Utah, Washington and Wisconsin.

I just have one thing to say, ROAD TRIP!