7/21/11 monologue

Well (tear) the shuttle Atlantis fell back to Earth this morning, to close out NASA's 135th and final shuttle voyage, a long-awaited--and long-dreaded--milestone marking the end of an era for American manned space flight.

Sad. But consider that the 405 is open again and, I might add, ahead of schedule. Priorities people.

Kim Kardashian is going to sue Old Navy for Using Look-Alike in an advertisement.

This’ll be the only time I ever want to sit on a jury. Who wouldn’t want to? Just comparing badonkadonks all day? “We’re still not sure your honor.”

Eric Dane, who plays the hunky Dr. Mark Sloan on Grey's Anatomy, went to rehab for an addiction to painkillers earlier this summer.

                The plot lines of the show were just, just so painful.

Presidential hopeful Michelle Bachmann is adamant that her migraines won't impede her White House goals.

Of course, she thinks she’s referring to her barley, oats, and buckwheat but we won’t break the news to her.

5/20/11

The Queen of England won over the Dublin doubters who thought the four-day trip to Ireland would simply be an extravagant, expensive tour by an archaic, arrogant monarch. Yeah, apparently she did it by getting “real” with the Irish. In some related news, the Queen of England needs a liver transplant. Guess she got a little too real with the Irish.  

Get this, prices at gas pump painful for 4 in 10 Americans. I had no idea 6 in 10 americans rode mopeds. 

In some exciting news, Playboy has launched a digital subscription service for the Ipad where the entire back catalogue of issues can be viewed by the salivating public. No better place to view porn than on the subway I always say. No need to imagine Kim Kardashian’s ass before I frotterize.

Sarah Palin's eldest son, Track, 22, recently married his high school sweetheart, Britta, 21, in a small ceremony in Hatcher Pass, Alaska. "Track and Britta," for when you’re thirsty during your workout.  I can’t wait to welcome their children "Ramp and Cello."

The Oregon Supreme Court unanimously ruled Thursday that a retired school bus driver can have her medical marijuana and a concealed handgun, too. Don’t get excited folks, I guarantee she turns the gun into a bong. Guarantee it!

What is everyone wearing for the apocolypse?