NPR's ‘5 Things You May Not Know About’ the republican candidates.

NPR is running its ‘5 Things You May Not Know About’ the republican candidates.

You’re right NPR but I do know this:

Jon Huntsman dropped out of high school — but he did graduate from college. In 1978, Huntsman quit school to play keyboards in the rock band Wizard. Just the president we need to encourage the kids to stay in school. Oh and by the way, when you name your rock band Wizard, it soon becomes apparent you will be the backing band for mediaeval inspired pornos.

Michelle Bachmann met her husband on a playground. Michele and her husband, Marcus, met when they were students at Winona State University. According to a 2007 profile in the Minneapolis Star-Tribune, they both had jobs as playground supervisors at an elementary school near the college. Marcus was there to meet guys but when in Rome… (this is not a reference to her vag being like rome, too many catholics in her vag. Kid, I kid)

Rick Perry loves The Wizard of Oz. "During our interview," wrote veteran Perry watcher Paul Burka in a 2002 Texas Monthly profile, Gov. Perry "mentioned that his 'favorite movie of all time' is The Wizard of Oz. For him it has lessons that translate to politics. (No, no, it's not that you can get along without a brain.) To Perry, political power is often an illusion, a little man behind a curtain projecting an image." This is good news because for Herman Cain, it was something else projecting.

Ron Paul can deliver. As a doctor in Texas, Kwiatkowski says, Paul delivered more than 4,000 babies over the years. Why Herman Cain had him delivering babies as opposed to a large with extra cheese is still a mystery.

Mitt Romney was once accused of "trying to bribe" a park ranger. In his new book, Mitt Romney: An Inside Look at the Man and His Politics, author Ronald B. Scott writes that when Romney was a young father, he led a family outing to a state park in Massachusetts. When Romney got ready to launch his unlicensed boat, a park ranger said it would cost him $50 if he did. Romney offered the ranger the money, was accused of trying to bribe the ranger, and was arrested for disorderly conduct. Hey Mitt, your attempted bribe of $50 was a slap in the face to that ranger. Now in the park restroom $50 will get you somewhere but not at the docks.

Newt Gingrich met his first wife, Jackie, when he was a 16-year-old high school student in Columbus, Ga. Jackie was his 23-year-old math teacher. This gives new meaning to helping Newt after school with his parabolas.

5/12/11 monologue

Lindsay Lohan yesterday was sentenced to 120 days in jail for swiping a necklace, but the judge admitted the actress will probably dodge a cell.

Lindsay said she should not have been in this situation. What situation? Mike from Jersey Shore’s abs? You swiped a necklace and plead no contest. You shouldn’t have been in a jewelry store drunk with no underwear on.  

This week, Sarah Palin's eldest daughter revealed that her slimmer, more angular facade is the result of "corrective jaw surgery" -- "not plastic surgery" -- that she underwent last December.

            I didn’t have “lap band surgery” I had an “aesthetic stomach enhancement.” Please, would you put 34 DD breasts on Calista Flockhart and call it “corrective?” Jay Leno has a jaw that is used in SAT geometry questions but you don’t see him banging Calista Flockhart for aesthetic purposes.

In an interview with Rolling Stone, Donald Trump said he washes his locks with Head and Shoulders, and then lets it air dry.

            This is what we need from a would-be presidential candidate…hair tips.

“Mr. President we have a situation in the middle east.”
            “I only use highlights in the winter and cut every week to avoid split ends.”

And who knew that a billionaire would use head and shoulders? Does this guy have fish sticks for dinner too? Does he sometimes splurge and go to Chipotle?

Newt Gingrich, who announced he was running for president Wednesday, says if elected he will offer a new “Contract with America.”

Newt, if you get elected, we all want a prenup. You had a contract with two ex wives and how did  that work out? Is this the kind of contract where you bang other countries on the side and get them flowers while we stay at home and make your favorite chili and cry when the batteries go dead in the vibrator?

5/19/11 monologue

Looks like things are turning around for Newt Gingrich. Maybe you’ve seen that a protestor dumped glitter on him.

But this is exciting for Newt because his campaign managers want to make lemonade out of lemons so they are trying to get Newt on the next episode of Glee. He’s going to break into Sky Rockets in Flight.

Are you ready for the apocalypse? Predictions from a small American religious sect have gained widespread attention. They predict that May 21, 2011 is “Judgment Day” based on adding up dates in the bible.

Stephen Hawking checked their math and came to the conclusion that Kirk Cameron is a douche. Who knew you could prove that with math?

In clown news, Ronald McDonald, the orange and white face of McDonalds is under attack by nutrition advocates who want him to be retired.

In related news, the Hamburgler will become the face of McDonalds’ new Steal My Meat’ campaign. I think it needs a little work.

In Movie news, Jodie Foster’s Beaver got a standing ovation in Cannes.

The French. Cmon show some class. In America we respect our filmmakers for their art, not their pets.

The Olsen twins showed up at the new york premier of Woody Allen’s new film. But, as you can see, being the great method actors they are, they never broke character from their roles as dying vampires for the latest twilight film: ‘The Blood Drought’

5/10/11 monologue

After a 25-year marriage as one of the nation's leading power couples in Hollywood and politics, Arnold Schwarzenegger and Maria Shriver have split up.

Now some nasty rumors are flying fast that Arnold’s heath is an issue but trust me, it’s naht a toomah.

Speaking of horrible rumors, Newt Gingrich is running for president.

Mike Huckabee doesn’t believe in evolution and Newt Gingrich doesn’t believe in marital fidelity. I think we have the republican ticket. It’s like Newt thinks every next wife is the missing link. 

Four planets will cluster together next week.  Jupiter will hang low in the sky, along with Venus, Mars and Mercury.

Sources report that Pluto has issued a statement saying “blow me.”

Some Canadian women organized the first Toronto SlutWalk. They did so after a police officer told a group of students that women should not dress like sluts if they want to avoid being sexually assaulted. This gives a whole new meaning to a pride parade.  And get this, Further SlutWalks are planned in the states of Arizona, California, Colorado, Florida, Georgia, Illinois, Indiana, Louisiana, Maine, Maryland, Michigan, Nevada, New Jersey, New Mexico, New York, North Carolina, Oregon, Pennsylvania, Texas, Utah, Washington and Wisconsin.

I just have one thing to say, ROAD TRIP!