You Can't Do Both

Be wary when they tell you that you can’t do both. They told that to Charlie Sheen and we all know how that turned out.

I’m guessing that Woody Allen was also told that you can’t do both comedy and drama. We all know how that turned out. Interiors bombed but the Soon Yi thing was golden.

Now sometimes it is true. Michael Vick can’t run and last in the NFL. And by run, I mean from the PETA brethren, not from divisional linebackers. The NFC East ain’t what it used to be.

Sometimes it should be true but isn’t. Like inhaling and exhaling at the same time. Christopher Hitchens help us but Kenny G (spot) made sure we know how that turned out... and that we will never, ever buy one of his cd’s…not even a Christmas one.

I mean, look at Chaz Bono, what if he had believed you can’t do both.

So don’t buy it folks. Unless they tell you that you can’t buy both!

7/19/11 monologue

Philadelphia Eagles star quarterback Michael Vick is scheduled to pledge his support Tuesday for new legislation to crack down on supporters of dog fighting.

I think it is great that Michael Vick is doing this. But Eagles’ fans just want a super bowl. Fans that once pelted Santa Clause with snowballs don’t care if Michael Vick has to eat a bowl of Kal Kan, they just want a super bowl.

And in related news, NFL owners could approve labor deal as early as Thursday.

               

Everybody is breathing a sigh of relief.  Because we love football and because we’d really have no other excuse to eat bratwurst, wings, nachos, cheesy fries and wash it down with 2 gallons of Schlitz every Sunday.

High temperatures have led authorities to place 20 states under heat warnings or advisories, while humidity is making it feel as hot as 115 across the South and Midwest.

                It’s so hot in the Midwest that the Amish are taking their shirts off. But the beard stays!

               

A giant wall of dust rolled through the Phoenix area on Monday, turning the sky brown, creating dangerous driving conditions and delaying some airline flights.

                C’mon Arizona! Flight Delays? This is called overcast in Cleveland.

And lastly, a report surfaced last weekend that Tiger Woods’ ex-wife Elin Nordegren's new boyfriend, Jamie Dingman, used to date Rachel Uchitel, Tiger Woods' shady #1 mistress.

Elin can’t catch a break here in her love life. Maybe she should just carry around a consent form. “Hi, before we interact, do you currently or have you ever had any relations with Rachel Uchitel? Please indicate and initial here, here, and here.” 

Just goes to show that some women have no sense of skankflank. You know, men who love skanks on the side.

6/24/11 monologue

Today is Take Your Dog To Work Day. With the NFL locked out, Mike Vick suited up his dog and showed it a nickel package with a zone blitz. Let’s just say the dog didn’t fare very well.

Justin Bieber launched a new perfume. It is called “Someday”, as in someday I belieb I’ll hit puberty.

A documentary celebrating the career of Sarah Palin will debut next Tuesday in the first-in-the-nation presidential voting state of Iowa. Coincidence? Yes, actually. Because Sarah’s tour bus broke down and she decided to be a high school history teacher. She’s gonna ring those bells and warn the British about the apostles ruining the pyramids.

House of Representatives Democrat Barney Frank and conservative Republican libertarian Ron Paul joined forces to introduce a bill that would take marijuana off the government's list of controlled substances and eliminate criminal penalties. On the one hand I want to applaud this and on the other I fear Barney Frank with the munchies.