7/26/11 monologue

A report in the New Scientist says transparent batteries based on research coming out of Stanford University could happen in the next few years. This, of course, could lead to See-Through Phones.

How the hell will you dial a see through phone? I’m no Luddite but we don’t need see through phones. Exhibit A, your honor:

 

Tiger Woods has dropped out of the world’s top 20 golfers.

Tiger’s had some trouble with water hazards, sand traps, and the rough. And by rough, we mean hookers.

At a charity auction Ozzy Osbourne started a bidding war for a Yorkshire terrier puppy -- and won! 10 grand for this pooch!

Anyone else wondering how Ozzy figured out he was at an auction? “Where the hell are we Sharon? Why are they holding up signs? Do they want me to sing Crazy Train?”

5/18/11 monologue

Danish director Lars von Trier gave a shocking press conference for his new film Melancholia in which he admitted to being a Nazi and to understanding Hitler.

In future news, the movie Melancholia had the worst opening ever. It raked in less than Crossroads with Brittany Spears. Even Mel Gibson told Lars to tone it down a bit.

In some more pseudo anti-Semitic news, inspired by Facebook an Israeli couple named their daughter ‘Like’.

Can you imagine reprimanding Like? Do you use the middle name when you are really angry? Like Poke Konigsburg you get over here right now! The Winklevoss twins don’t like Like.

A retired prison guard from Wisconsin in the US has eaten his 25000th hamburger, 39 years to the day since he ate his first nine.

That’s 6410 burgers a year, 17 burgers a day. This guy’s blood type is special sauce. In homage to the Wisconsin native, Brett Farvre sent him a picture of his own meat.

In related news, an Egyptian princess who lived more than 3500 years ago is the oldest known person to have had clogged arteries, dispelling the myth that heart disease is a product of being a prison guard.