5/20/11

The Queen of England won over the Dublin doubters who thought the four-day trip to Ireland would simply be an extravagant, expensive tour by an archaic, arrogant monarch. Yeah, apparently she did it by getting “real” with the Irish. In some related news, the Queen of England needs a liver transplant. Guess she got a little too real with the Irish.  

Get this, prices at gas pump painful for 4 in 10 Americans. I had no idea 6 in 10 americans rode mopeds. 

In some exciting news, Playboy has launched a digital subscription service for the Ipad where the entire back catalogue of issues can be viewed by the salivating public. No better place to view porn than on the subway I always say. No need to imagine Kim Kardashian’s ass before I frotterize.

Sarah Palin's eldest son, Track, 22, recently married his high school sweetheart, Britta, 21, in a small ceremony in Hatcher Pass, Alaska. "Track and Britta," for when you’re thirsty during your workout.  I can’t wait to welcome their children "Ramp and Cello."

The Oregon Supreme Court unanimously ruled Thursday that a retired school bus driver can have her medical marijuana and a concealed handgun, too. Don’t get excited folks, I guarantee she turns the gun into a bong. Guarantee it!

What is everyone wearing for the apocolypse?

5/5/11 monologue

Well, President Obama decided not to release a photo of Osama bin Laden because the photo is too graphic. Has the president seen a CBS crime show? Between the crime shows and the movie 300 there’s enough blood to sate the twilight vampires. Totally team Edward.

Apple has released a software update to fix a glitch that saw iPhones and iPads secretly record owners' movements. Yeah, the software update comes in a pill that you swallow.

A provocative European study suggests that moderate salt intake might be no problem and that diets very low in salt could be a recipe for trouble. Can we please make up our minds on this because I’m thinking of having bacon and a bottle of red wine for every meal.

Rosie Huntington-Whiteley, making her big-screen debut in this summer's Transformers: Dark of the Moon, has topped Maxim's annual Hot 100 list. Congratulations, I’m sure Rosie will create rosie palms all over the US. But Rosie, a word of advice, when you try to make the leap to acting, Transformers may not be the best vehicle. This is like making the leap to art collecting with the dogs playing poker portrait.