8/26/11 monologue

Hurricane Irene will be pounding the east coast this weekend.

This hurricane is so big forecasters are saying it has been eating American food and not exercising for the past 20 years.

And get this, a new study says that half of U.S. adults will be obese by 2030.

The other half of adults will be lap band recipients. So you see, it all evens out.

Astronomers have discovered a planet made of diamond. Diamond.

            In related news NASA has received a very sizable donation from Tiffany’s.

The hits just keep coming. Mr. 3000 hits Derek Jeter and his girlfriend of 3 years, Minka Kelly split up. Reports are saying that it the break-up was amicable.

Yankee skipper Joe Girardi, who is very close to his shortstop, comforted his team captain by saying “what’s this amicable thing? You want me to break his kneecaps?”

5/17/11 monologue

It appears the mussels from Brussels also likes the bearded clams.  Arnold Schwarzenegger fathered a baby with a member of his household staff, and that is what sent Skelator, er I mean Maria Shriver packing. The help Arnold?  We have a pic of her.

Former Massachusetts Gov. Mitt Romney pulled in an eye-popping $10.3 million during a national fundraising effort Monday…

or as Bill Gates calls it, loose change.

Researchers believe that they have found the exact master gene that causes obesity.

Man it is such good news that overeating and never exercising don’t cause obesity. I think I’ll get a pizza and follow it with fried dough and catch a Baywatch marathon.

Folks are fired up that on a Queen Liza’s visit to Ireland the military stopped a bus and defused a "viable device" found inside.

This is an overreaction folks. For the irish this is just a part of happy hour. Erin go boom!

Gotta love sports fans. Carlos Santana went off at the annual Civil Rights game about the Arizona immigration law and told fans that: “The people of Arizona, and the people of Atlanta, Georgia, you should be ashamed of yourselves. This law is not correct. It's a cruel law, actually.”

                At which point one fan yelled out that “so is a duet with Michelle Branch.”