7/27/11 monologue

Hugh Hefner has been left humiliated after ex-fiance Crystal Harris spoke in-depth about the couple's sex life during a radio interview on Howard Stern's 'Sirius XM' show.  Yeah, she said he “lasted two seconds.”

I don’t know what Crystal is complaining about. Do you really want it to be longer than two seconds with Grandpa? In related news, Crystal said that her shopping sprees lasted two days and left her legs shaking.

The house belonging to The Dude in the cult 1998 comedy The Big Lebowski is up for sale.

Possible buyers are being advised that, while the rug really ties the room together, it has been soiled. Some folks who have viewed the house commented on the numerous Creedence tapes lying around.

McDonald's announced Tuesday that it would make the standard child's Happy Meal more healthful.

                Which is weird because they did it by taking the happy meal off the menu.

A lesbian couple is asking for changes at the Dollywood theme park after an employee asked one of the women to turn her T-shirt reading "marriage is so gay" inside-out to avoid offending others.

Park officials failed to mention that wearing the wrong NASCAR shirt could get some visitors murdered at the park.

7/26/11 monologue

A report in the New Scientist says transparent batteries based on research coming out of Stanford University could happen in the next few years. This, of course, could lead to See-Through Phones.

How the hell will you dial a see through phone? I’m no Luddite but we don’t need see through phones. Exhibit A, your honor:

 

Tiger Woods has dropped out of the world’s top 20 golfers.

Tiger’s had some trouble with water hazards, sand traps, and the rough. And by rough, we mean hookers.

At a charity auction Ozzy Osbourne started a bidding war for a Yorkshire terrier puppy -- and won! 10 grand for this pooch!

Anyone else wondering how Ozzy figured out he was at an auction? “Where the hell are we Sharon? Why are they holding up signs? Do they want me to sing Crazy Train?”

Existential Tailgating

You know what warms the cockles of my heart? What ignites a connection and reconnection to not only my, but our, humanity? Tailgaters.

Yes, those lovely human beings that feel the need to reduce the space between your vehicles to a solid 10 inches…at 75mph. Yes, nothing like a tailgater to remind me that the abyss is both in front of me and behind me…in a supercharged BMW, and way too important for silly speed laws. No this guy needs to get to Target for some stain remover and the sale ends soon.

And so my life is taken into his hands and ah the adrenaline pumps.  And when it does that connection, that bond to my brethren is strengthened. Yes, to know that we are all fucked is just so, so, all encompassing. When no one is exempt from Tommy Tailgater we can all express our gratitude to his flippancy to the fragility of human life. Pregnant wife in the car, with your 2 yr. old in a car seat in the back? Who cares? Tailgaters aren’t prejudiced and this is cause for connection.

Sartre was right when he said Man is what he does. He tailgates. And he laughs in the face of death. He poo poos the right hand lane and mortality with nothing but cognition, acceleration, and flashing high beams. Shun safety. What is the point of highway safety when it is all meaningless? After all, doesn’t road rage make you feel alive?

But fear not you religious folk. There is still a place for faith. Tailgating isn’t just for the godless and the secular. Lest we forget the faith in brake pads. Man is condemned to die but that future can be put on hold if Tina Tailgater has good brake pads. For we will brake test. And the tailgaters will ride their brakes, ride their brakes till they resemble a paper-thin, fragile egg shell that is the difference between life and a trip to the ER.

So thank you tailgaters. Thank you for lighting a fire that burns inside. Thank you for your contagious irreverence to life. Thank you not only for your speeding but for also speeding up our recognition that in the big scheme of things, none of this counts for 2 bits; and when nothing counts you can certainly ride up my ass till the cows come home.

7/25/11 monologue

The NFL Players Association and the league have reached agreement on a new labor deal, NFL.com reported today.

Whew! That was close, for a minute there I thought the Browns might not break my heart this season.

Have you heard that Tenzin Dhongha, proclaimed by Tibet's spiritual and temporal leader, the Dalai Lama himself, as a miracle being, is a rapper? Yeah, the reincarnation of the high Tibetan Buddhist lama Goma Rimpoche is a rapper.

I hear sequel. Golden Child II anyone? Starring Will Smith’s kid. Fights off evil doers with dope rhymes and souped-up tempos. Oh snap! This lama ain’t no lame-O yo!

The heat wave finally gave way.

I tell ya, it was so hot this weekend that John Boehner tanned outside. Snooki is jealous of this guy’s tan.

Cadel Evans won the Tour De France. At 34, he's also the second-oldest winner of the race.

                Even though Lance Armstrong did not race this year, per protocol, he was

                accused of doping.

7/21/11 monologue

Well (tear) the shuttle Atlantis fell back to Earth this morning, to close out NASA's 135th and final shuttle voyage, a long-awaited--and long-dreaded--milestone marking the end of an era for American manned space flight.

Sad. But consider that the 405 is open again and, I might add, ahead of schedule. Priorities people.

Kim Kardashian is going to sue Old Navy for Using Look-Alike in an advertisement.

This’ll be the only time I ever want to sit on a jury. Who wouldn’t want to? Just comparing badonkadonks all day? “We’re still not sure your honor.”

Eric Dane, who plays the hunky Dr. Mark Sloan on Grey's Anatomy, went to rehab for an addiction to painkillers earlier this summer.

                The plot lines of the show were just, just so painful.

Presidential hopeful Michelle Bachmann is adamant that her migraines won't impede her White House goals.

Of course, she thinks she’s referring to her barley, oats, and buckwheat but we won’t break the news to her.

Poems

Heat Dome

Lord knows when the rooster crows

The sun is upon you

And mid-day gives way

To a fainting few

So we fight, fight for the night

So that we might have a few

Moments to rise and fall in an unstrangulated way

And just be cool at the end of a dying day

***

Funny Hats

Funny hats upon our heads

Put the humor in our hearts

Don’t take them off for fear they may part

This bond between you and me

Tenuous it may be

Maybe it’s why we have funny hats

You and me

Shaun White's Mustache

You can just knock that shit off right now.

You think I want to be on this douchebag’s face? So save your wisecracks for Colbert you punk. I ain’t happy bout this shit. I’m red and I’m scraggly –look at me, it’s like I’m a damn anorexic mustache on this friggin’ guy.

I know I know. I don’t even touch in the middle. Red rover red rover, let my other side come over. Fuck, why would he do this? Who wears a red mustache anytime other than Halloween? Fuck, do something…make it a little Lou Bega thing or something.

I’ve got to get shaved. I’ll never give any rides like this. Go underground, work me out. Wait till I’m mature enough. Wait till my little mustache balls drop. I can’t do anything but stand on end right now.

I have to hear shit from the soul patch all day. He doesn’t have to be mature; he’ll never give a ride. He’s always on the wrong end but that’s his gig and he’s ok with it. His bag is reeling them in and when you aren’t thick and lush the lure is even stronger. Dammit! Bohemian fuckin soul patch!

Calgon take me away. Sean, please, grow some chops on the side. Divert their attention.

Look away. I beseech you.

Oh, it’s no use…but hear me now, I will be back. What doesn’t kill me makes me stronger. And I will be a mustache stallion. Yes, yes I will. And I will give rides. Like a merry go round I’ll be. Come one come all. Step right up.

7/20/11 monologue

Actor Doug Hutchison, 51,  married Courtney Stodden, 16. In an appearance on the show ‘Father Albert’ Hutchison said they were “brought together by a higher power.”

"God connects us."  "When you meet that someone you love, there's something inside that's leading you towards that person."

In this case the higher power was actually a plastic surgeon with mysterious saline bags. And that something inside was an erection driving Doug around like a metal detector on the beach.

This week, the White House said President Obama wants to overturn the law that restricts marriage to heterosexual couples  and give federal benefits to same-sex couples who marry.

                Very progressive folks, And very good for the wedding and rainbow flag maker businesses.

Emma Watson told reporters recently that she's not through with higher education yet. She said she’ll study abroad at Oxford and then return to Brown to complete her last year.

You have to give props to Emma for going back to school with all of her money. Rumor has it that Charlie Sheen is going back as well. I think Chuck may go to Ohio University. Yeah, he's gonna take some phys ed courses.

The Center for Science in the Public Interest (CSPI) today announced its winners for their Fourth annual Xtreme Eating Awards. But these awards are for dishes with the highest calories, fat and sodium.

This year's winners include Denny's Fried Cheese Melt. It's four fried mozzarella sticks and melted American cheese grilled between two slices of sourdough bread, served with wavy-cut French fries and marinara sauce. "Grilled cheese with a twist," says Denny's.

                Or as New Jersey Governor Doug Christie calls it, a lite snack.

But seriously, this sandwich, plus fries and marinara sauce, packs 1,260 calories. This is equivalent to two Pizza Hut Personal Pan Pepperoni pizzas.

                The personal pizzas are smaller right? That’s not so bad.

And lastly, any day now, Diana Nyad will set out to swim about 60 hours straight - 103 miles across the Straits of Florida from Cuba to Key West. She’ll stop to tread water for a few minutes as she swallows a liquid mixture of predigested protein and eats an occasional bit of banana or dollop of peanut butter.

Um, “predigested?” So it’s been eaten already? Will there be a huge bird above her, regurgitating into her mouth? Seriously, if I had to guess who did the eating, I would say Governor Doug Christie.

Work Email!

From:  Taylor
Sent: Tuesday, July 19, 2011 12:14 PM
To: Lynndel ;  Scott
Subject:  Uchilda

Hi Lynndel & Scott,

I noticed that Uchida’s transcript is in the Math queue.  He is a transfer student.  I didn’t think that the transfer students were being routed to Math and Language?  Could you please clarify?

Also, let me know if there are there other unregistered transfer student transcripts in the Math or Language queues that need to be returned to the transfer paid queue.  Thank you!

Taylor

***

From: Scott
Sent: Tuesday, July 19, 2011 2:37 PM
To: Taylor
Subject: RE: Uchilda

Taylor,

Alas, I cannot clarify. I can’t even recall Uchida. I only recall Watanabe. And I think they recalled Pinto’s in the 70’s but I digress. Cool.

Perhaps you could cross reference those who have deposited with those who are in the M&FL queues. I don’t know who has deposited and who has not. There are strange deposits on my clothes after a good night’s sleep. It’s weird how queue is spelled.

Hope this helps! The more exclamation points the better! I always say! Except for when they aren’t necessary! But fuck it! This is a cold, amoral world and if we want strange deposits in our shorts and we want to use exclamation points even though the lord prohibits it, well, then fuck him! God I fucking love email! I would love to fucking email god if I could! Wonder what his email address is. Oops, forgot the exclamation point! Won’t happen again!

Scott

Associate Director

Wirthless University

7/19/11 monologue

Philadelphia Eagles star quarterback Michael Vick is scheduled to pledge his support Tuesday for new legislation to crack down on supporters of dog fighting.

I think it is great that Michael Vick is doing this. But Eagles’ fans just want a super bowl. Fans that once pelted Santa Clause with snowballs don’t care if Michael Vick has to eat a bowl of Kal Kan, they just want a super bowl.

And in related news, NFL owners could approve labor deal as early as Thursday.

               

Everybody is breathing a sigh of relief.  Because we love football and because we’d really have no other excuse to eat bratwurst, wings, nachos, cheesy fries and wash it down with 2 gallons of Schlitz every Sunday.

High temperatures have led authorities to place 20 states under heat warnings or advisories, while humidity is making it feel as hot as 115 across the South and Midwest.

                It’s so hot in the Midwest that the Amish are taking their shirts off. But the beard stays!

               

A giant wall of dust rolled through the Phoenix area on Monday, turning the sky brown, creating dangerous driving conditions and delaying some airline flights.

                C’mon Arizona! Flight Delays? This is called overcast in Cleveland.

And lastly, a report surfaced last weekend that Tiger Woods’ ex-wife Elin Nordegren's new boyfriend, Jamie Dingman, used to date Rachel Uchitel, Tiger Woods' shady #1 mistress.

Elin can’t catch a break here in her love life. Maybe she should just carry around a consent form. “Hi, before we interact, do you currently or have you ever had any relations with Rachel Uchitel? Please indicate and initial here, here, and here.” 

Just goes to show that some women have no sense of skankflank. You know, men who love skanks on the side.

7/18/11 monologue

Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows: Part 2 racked up $168.6 million over the weekend. That beat the record $158.4 million set in 2008 by the Batman film, The Dark Night.

            Wait till you hear this Christian Bale tirade. “F***ing quidditch! What the f*** is quidditch!?”

In some sad news, J-Lo and Marc Antony are divorcing. The superstar couple announced last Friday they are breaking up.

I think it’s because they don’t have a good couple name like Brangelina. Granted, her ass has a lot of good names but it doesn’t have the same oomph.

The Sarah Palin documentary The Undefeated took an estimated $65000-$75000 in its opening weekend at the US box office, a figure described as "soft" in some reports.

Soft? Any softer and you can wipe your ass with these figures. You would figure that with all the Botox she injects that her movie’s figures would be taut at the least. I want to see her forehead move or wrinkle. Just once.

Guests at the Aria Resort in Las Vegas who visited the hotel between June 25 and July 4 are being notified of the possibility they have been infected with Legionnaires Disease during their stay. What happens in Vegas may include:

           

·         Cough, which may bring up mucus and sometimes blood

·         Shortness of breath

·         Chest pain

·         Fatigue

·         Loss of appetite

·         Gastrointestinal symptoms, such as nausea, vomiting and diarrhea

·         Confusion or other mental changes

And get this, women are more likely to send nude photographs than men, a new study has revealed.

            Yeah, men don’t like the shrinkage that occurs in cell phone images.

7/15/11 monologue

Chris Evans Says Iron Man Would Beat Captain America In A Fight.

                But Chris, who has a bigger penis?

Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie are planning a wedding.

I cannot wait for this wedding! Will it be in Africa? Will they adopt a child at the altar? Or will there be tattoos a la Billy Bob Thornton?

Petra Ecclestone, 22, the daughter of Formula 1 billionaire Bernie Ecclestone, purchased the of 56500-square-foot former home of Candy Spelling. The original asking price was $150 million but Ecclestone got it for a mere $85 million.  

            Yeah, apparently the grill on the patio was old.

7/14/11 monologue

In the cauldron of the White House Cabinet Room, Obama and top lawmakers bargained for nearly two hours Wednesday on spending cuts.

Wow! Two hours. This must be important. C’mon, I’ve spent more time at the DMV for a shitty picture on my driver’s license.

An argument over houseguests led a Southern California woman to cut off her estranged husband's penis and put it down a garbage disposal.

Sheesh, I will buy you an air mattress. Don’t cut off the man’s goods. And why the disposal? Add  it to the compost heap.

            

And just like that, Mila Kunis wants to skip on her date with Sgt. Scott Moore to the Marine Corps Ball, "Access Hollywood" reported.

Mila, Mila, Mila. Why so fickle? I’m sure Scott was really going to show you his M-16 and not, well….you know. “Wanna come back to my barracks and see my M16?”

7/12/11 monologue

A judge on Monday increased bail for Coheed and Cambria bassist Michael Todd accused of stealing prescription painkillers from a pharmacy just hours before a show.

How bad must your band suck if you can’t score any free drugs? That’s why you form a band.

TNT will give the old tv series 'Dallas' reboot.

               

Just what America needs during the recession, I shot JR buttons from Gold Circle. Can’t we write something original like…Jersey Shore.

Arnold Schwarzenegger is set to begin filming his first movie role since a scandal erupted over his love child with a housekeeper.

Word is that the movie is low budget. I guess to match Ahhhnolds affair standards. You didn’t think it would be shakepearean theatre did you?

And lastly, a Marine wooed Mila Kunis into a date.

                Semper fi my man. I guess this marine has already been to Paris Island.

5/12/11 monologue

Lindsay Lohan yesterday was sentenced to 120 days in jail for swiping a necklace, but the judge admitted the actress will probably dodge a cell.

Lindsay said she should not have been in this situation. What situation? Mike from Jersey Shore’s abs? You swiped a necklace and plead no contest. You shouldn’t have been in a jewelry store drunk with no underwear on.  

This week, Sarah Palin's eldest daughter revealed that her slimmer, more angular facade is the result of "corrective jaw surgery" -- "not plastic surgery" -- that she underwent last December.

            I didn’t have “lap band surgery” I had an “aesthetic stomach enhancement.” Please, would you put 34 DD breasts on Calista Flockhart and call it “corrective?” Jay Leno has a jaw that is used in SAT geometry questions but you don’t see him banging Calista Flockhart for aesthetic purposes.

In an interview with Rolling Stone, Donald Trump said he washes his locks with Head and Shoulders, and then lets it air dry.

            This is what we need from a would-be presidential candidate…hair tips.

“Mr. President we have a situation in the middle east.”
            “I only use highlights in the winter and cut every week to avoid split ends.”

And who knew that a billionaire would use head and shoulders? Does this guy have fish sticks for dinner too? Does he sometimes splurge and go to Chipotle?

Newt Gingrich, who announced he was running for president Wednesday, says if elected he will offer a new “Contract with America.”

Newt, if you get elected, we all want a prenup. You had a contract with two ex wives and how did  that work out? Is this the kind of contract where you bang other countries on the side and get them flowers while we stay at home and make your favorite chili and cry when the batteries go dead in the vibrator?

7/7/11 Monologue

Jake Gyllenhaal has lived inside a bubble, confronted an intergalactic bunny and even herded sheep in Wyoming backcountry. But on the tv show Man vs. Wild  he eats a worm.

I don’t see what the big deal is here. How hard can it be to drink tequila while camping?

In sporting news, Roger Clemens arrived at Federal District Court in Washington on Wednesday, where he faces charges of making false statements to Congress about his use of performance-enhancing drugs.

I think we need to cut the Rocket a little slack here. After all, satyrs say crazy things now and again. It’s all the oats.

Thousands of thrill-seekers dashed ahead of six fighting bulls in the streets of the northern Spanish city of Pamplona on Thursday in a fast first running of the bulls in this year's San Fermin festival.

Man the adrenaline pumps every time I think about this: the fear, the mass of the animal, the heavy breathing and then I remember I’m on the treadmill.

Lastly, a new study finds that men with long-term partners are more likely to be satisfied with their relationships if they're getting lots of hugs, cuddles and other signs of physical affection. Just as long as it’s after Sports Center and before the NC17 netflix rental.