7/20/11 monologue

Actor Doug Hutchison, 51,  married Courtney Stodden, 16. In an appearance on the show ‘Father Albert’ Hutchison said they were “brought together by a higher power.”

"God connects us."  "When you meet that someone you love, there's something inside that's leading you towards that person."

In this case the higher power was actually a plastic surgeon with mysterious saline bags. And that something inside was an erection driving Doug around like a metal detector on the beach.

This week, the White House said President Obama wants to overturn the law that restricts marriage to heterosexual couples  and give federal benefits to same-sex couples who marry.

                Very progressive folks, And very good for the wedding and rainbow flag maker businesses.

Emma Watson told reporters recently that she's not through with higher education yet. She said she’ll study abroad at Oxford and then return to Brown to complete her last year.

You have to give props to Emma for going back to school with all of her money. Rumor has it that Charlie Sheen is going back as well. I think Chuck may go to Ohio University. Yeah, he's gonna take some phys ed courses.

The Center for Science in the Public Interest (CSPI) today announced its winners for their Fourth annual Xtreme Eating Awards. But these awards are for dishes with the highest calories, fat and sodium.

This year's winners include Denny's Fried Cheese Melt. It's four fried mozzarella sticks and melted American cheese grilled between two slices of sourdough bread, served with wavy-cut French fries and marinara sauce. "Grilled cheese with a twist," says Denny's.

                Or as New Jersey Governor Doug Christie calls it, a lite snack.

But seriously, this sandwich, plus fries and marinara sauce, packs 1,260 calories. This is equivalent to two Pizza Hut Personal Pan Pepperoni pizzas.

                The personal pizzas are smaller right? That’s not so bad.

And lastly, any day now, Diana Nyad will set out to swim about 60 hours straight - 103 miles across the Straits of Florida from Cuba to Key West. She’ll stop to tread water for a few minutes as she swallows a liquid mixture of predigested protein and eats an occasional bit of banana or dollop of peanut butter.

Um, “predigested?” So it’s been eaten already? Will there be a huge bird above her, regurgitating into her mouth? Seriously, if I had to guess who did the eating, I would say Governor Doug Christie.