Double-Spaced This Time

[Professor’s Office]

Student: Why did you give me a D?

Professor: I didn’t give you a D. You gave you a D.

Student: Well, I’ve thought about it and I want to give me an A now. Thanks, see you in class.

Professor: Maybe you should have wanted to give you an A before you wrote a D paper.

Student: D paper you are referring to was D bomb yo and by bomb yo I mean an A paper.

Professor: D paper was D shit and by shit I mean I mean I wiped my ass with it and by doing so improved it from an F to a D.

Student: I thought I smelled something when you handed it back? But then again, your mouth was open at the time so…

Professor: Yeah well, you might want to practice opening yours up a little wider, either that or move up to fries.

Student: Speaking of fried, I saw your wife at the fraternity house last night and talk about wide. Any wider and I could have hidden my bong. (finger in hole motion, fist motion)

Professor: Is this the same fraternity house where your, quote unquote brothers, roofied you, stripped you naked and placed a quarter next to your penis to give it scale and then youtubed it there babydick?

Student: Yeah I heard about your baby. Sorry it came out with 3 sets of genitalia but I guess with you as the father it just couldn’t make up its mind.

Professor: Oh no that’s been all taken care of, what with you on that genitalia-of-any-kind donation list. Congrats on getting a little something to go underneath your miniature vienna sausage. Your mom must be so proud now.

Student: Oh she’s beaming, just like the shine off your head and 2005 Ford Taurus. Man, to get to the point in life where you can afford a brand new Ford Taurus. Talk about pride. Is the rogaine working at all? But fuck it, haircuts are so expensive now and you are probably still paying on that car.

Professor: Speaking of paying, what is daddy paying for you to clean up after the bros at the house? And my god, with the market for the custodial arts booming right now, you are going to make a killing mopping up at the high school soon. But be careful, all those keys on your waist could lead to bad hips. And who needs bad hips to go along with daddy’s disappointment at not taking over the lawn care business. You guys hedge now too right?

Student: Oh I think you mean hedge funds. But what would you know about that with your soon-to-be divorce settlement stripping you of everything except your elbow patched blazer and prized Taurus with rear air conditioning?

Professor: Speaking of rear, I hear they call you “reartarded” now because your ass doesn’t know what to do with all the weight you’ve gained. Should I disperse it evenly amongst the cheeks or do a mom-jeans kinda thing in the back? But I have to say, the shorts and sweats year round – a good look for you.

Student: Look, are you gonna change my grade or do I have to make a scene?

Professor: Here’s what I’ll do, you rewrite the paper and get it to me by Friday at 5pm and wipe my ass with it again and give you a C-. Double spaced this time.

8/2/11 monologue

66-year-old Helen Mirren beat Elle MacPherson, and Jennifer Lopez and Pippa Middleton for the title of "Body of the Year," according to a survey of 2,000 people.

                This begs the question, What Year? 1926? Stop surveying AARP so much. Sheesh.

Oh and get this shocker, a small amount of exercise is good for your heart. Yeah I know, crazy.

Research shows that even small amounts of aerobic exercise helps lower coronary heart disease risk, according to a review published Monday in the journal of the American Heart Association.

It has not been determined if getting the remote control off the coffee table constitutes a small amount of exercise.

               

Ashton Kutcher has been slammed for his "over-the-top" two-story trailer on the sets of 'Two and Half Men'.

               

Oh big deal, so it has a spiral staircase, walk-in closets, breakfast nook, cinema room, fireplace lounge, and covered patio with koi pond and lap pool. If Ashton becomes any more of a diva he’ll need breast enhancement. Sheesh.

Police say there was more on the menu than lattes during the late shift at a Dunkin' Donuts in northern New Jersey. A 29-year-old female is facing prostitution charges after police say she took breaks to provide sex in exchange for money.

“Hey boss, fellatio break?” I’m wondering what code was through the drive thru? “Yes I’ll have a sesame bagel, because I like it when the sesame seeds fall into my lap.” Actually, the worst part of this story is that the police investigation was known as "extra sugar."

               

And finally, Ohio University was named the Nation's Top Party School.

Administrators are saying the research isn’t scientific enough. What part of 6 foot bong don’t they get? Partiers have trading cards with booze stats there and the annual Halloween party is subsidized in part by High Times magazine and Trojan condoms. I think it’s safe to say they  party there.

7/20/11 monologue

Actor Doug Hutchison, 51,  married Courtney Stodden, 16. In an appearance on the show ‘Father Albert’ Hutchison said they were “brought together by a higher power.”

"God connects us."  "When you meet that someone you love, there's something inside that's leading you towards that person."

In this case the higher power was actually a plastic surgeon with mysterious saline bags. And that something inside was an erection driving Doug around like a metal detector on the beach.

This week, the White House said President Obama wants to overturn the law that restricts marriage to heterosexual couples  and give federal benefits to same-sex couples who marry.

                Very progressive folks, And very good for the wedding and rainbow flag maker businesses.

Emma Watson told reporters recently that she's not through with higher education yet. She said she’ll study abroad at Oxford and then return to Brown to complete her last year.

You have to give props to Emma for going back to school with all of her money. Rumor has it that Charlie Sheen is going back as well. I think Chuck may go to Ohio University. Yeah, he's gonna take some phys ed courses.

The Center for Science in the Public Interest (CSPI) today announced its winners for their Fourth annual Xtreme Eating Awards. But these awards are for dishes with the highest calories, fat and sodium.

This year's winners include Denny's Fried Cheese Melt. It's four fried mozzarella sticks and melted American cheese grilled between two slices of sourdough bread, served with wavy-cut French fries and marinara sauce. "Grilled cheese with a twist," says Denny's.

                Or as New Jersey Governor Doug Christie calls it, a lite snack.

But seriously, this sandwich, plus fries and marinara sauce, packs 1,260 calories. This is equivalent to two Pizza Hut Personal Pan Pepperoni pizzas.

                The personal pizzas are smaller right? That’s not so bad.

And lastly, any day now, Diana Nyad will set out to swim about 60 hours straight - 103 miles across the Straits of Florida from Cuba to Key West. She’ll stop to tread water for a few minutes as she swallows a liquid mixture of predigested protein and eats an occasional bit of banana or dollop of peanut butter.

Um, “predigested?” So it’s been eaten already? Will there be a huge bird above her, regurgitating into her mouth? Seriously, if I had to guess who did the eating, I would say Governor Doug Christie.