8/26/11 monologue

Hurricane Irene will be pounding the east coast this weekend.

This hurricane is so big forecasters are saying it has been eating American food and not exercising for the past 20 years.

And get this, a new study says that half of U.S. adults will be obese by 2030.

The other half of adults will be lap band recipients. So you see, it all evens out.

Astronomers have discovered a planet made of diamond. Diamond.

            In related news NASA has received a very sizable donation from Tiffany’s.

The hits just keep coming. Mr. 3000 hits Derek Jeter and his girlfriend of 3 years, Minka Kelly split up. Reports are saying that it the break-up was amicable.

Yankee skipper Joe Girardi, who is very close to his shortstop, comforted his team captain by saying “what’s this amicable thing? You want me to break his kneecaps?”

WWWSD?

Albert Schweitzer talked about a reverence for life. George Carlin skewered our so-called sanctity of life. Leonard Cohen wrote that Jesus sank beneath your wisdom like a stone. Walter Sobchak might ask, What’s yer point dude?

Here’s the point for all the Walters of the world. Nothing is objective and nothing is the only thing that is objective. And so in the end, or as Martin Heidegger called it, at bottom, we are left with subjectivity. Say it with me: subjectivity.

Now I know that scares the livin’ shit out of a lot of you. Your fear is unfounded my friends. Why is it unfounded Obi Wan? In two words: the past.

Reach back through the anus of history and you’ll…wait… annals, I mean annals of history… and you’ll find that nothing was objective. Take any moral precept you like and you’ll find that it was violated ad nauseam. How you like them apples? I just used the phrase ad nauseam in a sentence!

You may say a la Samuel Jackson “well allow me to retort.” You may quote Sgt Waters’ from ‘A Soldier’s Story’ and say that “not havin’ is no reason for not gittin’.” And you may say that the past doesn’t determine the future.

But time “don’t work that way yo.” Time is a lake you’re swimming in with all three swooshing around you constantly. And this lake “don’t be havin no objective moral precepts yo.” So my little Walters, you are left to swim around with the carp and catfish and you’ll undoubtedly end up with some sort of rash.

But the recent amoralist in the NY Times hit the nail on the head, or maybe he hit the bottle, I don’t really care. The point Walter is that we are left to our own devices. OUR OWN DEVICES. Sometimes it’s mercy and sometimes it’s an M-16.

8/17/11 monologue

Teen apparel retailer Abercrombie & Fitch Co. has offered to pay Jersey Shore cast member Michael "The Situation" Sorrentino not to wear its merchandise.

Abercrombie & Fitch want to be clear on this, they still want him to wear clothes. Just not their clothes. They fear the orange may rub off.

Three out of four high school graduates aren’t fully prepared for college and likely need to take at least one remedial class, according to the latest annual survey from the nonprofit testing organization ACT.

Four out of four didn’t know that three fourths is 75%. I think they are watching too much Jersey Shore [fist pump].

There's never an ideal time for a presidential vacation. But President Barack Obama's sojourn this week to Martha's Vineyard - known as a playground for the wealthy and well-connected - comes in the wake of the nation's first-ever credit rating downgrade.

If the prez can’t take a vaca then the downgraders have won. It’s not like the lobster is going to knock us down to a C-. That is for freshman taking the ‘Reading Good’ class.

Apple has been sued by a group of about 27000 South Koreans seeking $26 million in compensation for what they feel are privacy violations.

Just because Apple knows where you are 24/7 doesn’t mean your privacy has been violated. Just ask any married man.

An airline passenger says her Paris-to-Dublin flight was delayed nearly two hours after celebrated French actor Gerard Depardieu urinated on the plane ahead of takeoff.

                Sacre bleu! In his defense, Gerard could not fit into the airplane restroom.

Michelle Bachmann Photographer Tries His Best

I feel for the photographer on this one. Remember how she never looked at the camera for an entire rebuttal. Imagine only getting 5 minutes. “please look this way, right into the camera, no not up there! Why are you looking up there? Here right in here [points at camera lens]. Still with the skyward glance. Look in the lens, there’s a picture of Obamacare in there.”

8/4/11 monologue

Maybe you have heard about the Best Running Away Letter Ever. Here we include it with the original spelling:

"I am runing away becas you think I farted when I dident. PS You are Mean."

I hate to break it to you kid but terrible farts follow you wherever you go. Wait till you start drinking cheap beer.

Dolly Parton has issued a personal apology for an incident at her park Dollywood involving a patron wearing a t-shit that read “marriage is so gay.” In a statement she said:

“We do have a policy about profanity or controversial messages on clothing or signs. It is to protect the individual wearing or carrying them, as well as to keep down fights or problems by those opposed to it at the park."

When your theme park has to keep down fights, it might be a redneck. I guess they don’t mow the grass at Dollywood to make the patrons feel at home.

Thelma Levett made a replica of Kate Middleton’s wedding dress… (wait for it) out of 5,000 balloons.

Source have neither confirmed nor disconfirmed if there is a certain dog shaped balloon in a certain area.

8/3/11 monologue

Leonardo DiCaprio is the Highest-Paid Actor in Hollywood. Leo took in an estimated $77 million last year.

Did you know that Leo got his start on Growing Pains? Let’s see how Kirk Cameron is doing. Oh wait, I’m getting word that Kirk is debating Stephen Hawking on  whether or not Jesus rode dinosaurs to warn of the british coming.           

Speaking of the british coming, the Alaska hair salon made famous for Sarah Palin's up-do is getting the reality show treatment in a two-part series to be aired in September on TLC.

Doesn’t TLC stand for The Learning Channel? What exactly are we learning from Sarah Palin’s hair stylists? We get it, she’s got hair and you shape it. TLC ought to stand for The Lowest Common Denominator. “We’s learning so good from this channel that we’s can just skip the gardenkinder and goes straights to college.”

Former Playmate and Hugh Hefner ex-girlfriend Kendra Wilkinson has gotten up in the grill of another Hef-ex, Crystal Harris. Take a listen:

"At first I was really proud," Wilkinson says. "I was like, 'Wow, she's being classy about things.' But then lately, she's just like totally running her mouth and it's hard."

Mmm, that’s hard core right there. Cuz like and you know like, wow. It is hard Kendra. Hard for you to speak and hard for me to listen.  After hearing these women talk, no wonder it’s hard for Hef to get hard.

8/2/11 monologue

66-year-old Helen Mirren beat Elle MacPherson, and Jennifer Lopez and Pippa Middleton for the title of "Body of the Year," according to a survey of 2,000 people.

                This begs the question, What Year? 1926? Stop surveying AARP so much. Sheesh.

Oh and get this shocker, a small amount of exercise is good for your heart. Yeah I know, crazy.

Research shows that even small amounts of aerobic exercise helps lower coronary heart disease risk, according to a review published Monday in the journal of the American Heart Association.

It has not been determined if getting the remote control off the coffee table constitutes a small amount of exercise.

               

Ashton Kutcher has been slammed for his "over-the-top" two-story trailer on the sets of 'Two and Half Men'.

               

Oh big deal, so it has a spiral staircase, walk-in closets, breakfast nook, cinema room, fireplace lounge, and covered patio with koi pond and lap pool. If Ashton becomes any more of a diva he’ll need breast enhancement. Sheesh.

Police say there was more on the menu than lattes during the late shift at a Dunkin' Donuts in northern New Jersey. A 29-year-old female is facing prostitution charges after police say she took breaks to provide sex in exchange for money.

“Hey boss, fellatio break?” I’m wondering what code was through the drive thru? “Yes I’ll have a sesame bagel, because I like it when the sesame seeds fall into my lap.” Actually, the worst part of this story is that the police investigation was known as "extra sugar."

               

And finally, Ohio University was named the Nation's Top Party School.

Administrators are saying the research isn’t scientific enough. What part of 6 foot bong don’t they get? Partiers have trading cards with booze stats there and the annual Halloween party is subsidized in part by High Times magazine and Trojan condoms. I think it’s safe to say they  party there.

8/1/11 Monologue

Miley Cyrus took a rather permanent stand in favor of gay marriage, by inking an equal sign onto her finger. “ALL LOVE is equal,” Miley Tweeted on Friday, along with a picture of her new tattoo.

Intense. I’m sure the gay community is stoked to put your finger under a microscope to get a look at your “statement.” Last time I saw a statement this small it came from my savings account.

Maria Shriver and Arnold Schwarzenegger were back together this weekend, as the estranged couple celebrated the former Governor's 64th birthday as a family.

Can’t you just feel Maria slowly giving in? But seriously women, who wouldn’t? Arnold and his sexy accent cooing in your ear. In related news, Maria Shriver’s divorce attorney cancelled her Swiss Alps Chalet purchase.

Colon cleansing was a top story at google news today.

Now I know this is shocking but apparently running a garden hose through a Dawn grease cutter filter straight into your rectum may not be good for you.

Sen. John McCain says he'll vote for compromise legislation averting a government default, though he said "I will probably have to “swallow hard.”

What a Maverick this guy is. We appreciate you taking one for the team Senator McCain. Does the good Senator know what people are going to think? Is this the reference he wants to make? Makes me wonder if he talked to his former running mate before this statement.