11/18/11 News You Can Use

Ashton & Demi are divorcing. Looks like the cougar and the grave robber couldn’t meet in the proverbial middle after she started receiving her social security checks and he saw his birth certificate.

Herman Cain is getting some national security. Any chicks on the force? Didn’t think so.

Obama is sending troops to Australia. Krikey! I didn’t even know they had oil.

Breaking Wind, er I mean, Breaking Dawn opens today and it is getting some horrible reviews. Some are saying it isn’t realistic enough, especially the birthing of the vampire by a nonvampire with the wolfman serving as the midwife only to then be overtaken his evil twin the germanshepherdman who insists throughout the movie that “zee bats are comingk, zee bats are comingk!”

I saw this headline 'Top 10 Tips for Black Friday Shopping Virgins' and just thought...lube.

Regis Philbin is retiring and it’s been said that he is actually willing to marinate and grill himself if Kelly Ripa would just eat something.

8/2/11 monologue

66-year-old Helen Mirren beat Elle MacPherson, and Jennifer Lopez and Pippa Middleton for the title of "Body of the Year," according to a survey of 2,000 people.

                This begs the question, What Year? 1926? Stop surveying AARP so much. Sheesh.

Oh and get this shocker, a small amount of exercise is good for your heart. Yeah I know, crazy.

Research shows that even small amounts of aerobic exercise helps lower coronary heart disease risk, according to a review published Monday in the journal of the American Heart Association.

It has not been determined if getting the remote control off the coffee table constitutes a small amount of exercise.

               

Ashton Kutcher has been slammed for his "over-the-top" two-story trailer on the sets of 'Two and Half Men'.

               

Oh big deal, so it has a spiral staircase, walk-in closets, breakfast nook, cinema room, fireplace lounge, and covered patio with koi pond and lap pool. If Ashton becomes any more of a diva he’ll need breast enhancement. Sheesh.

Police say there was more on the menu than lattes during the late shift at a Dunkin' Donuts in northern New Jersey. A 29-year-old female is facing prostitution charges after police say she took breaks to provide sex in exchange for money.

“Hey boss, fellatio break?” I’m wondering what code was through the drive thru? “Yes I’ll have a sesame bagel, because I like it when the sesame seeds fall into my lap.” Actually, the worst part of this story is that the police investigation was known as "extra sugar."

               

And finally, Ohio University was named the Nation's Top Party School.

Administrators are saying the research isn’t scientific enough. What part of 6 foot bong don’t they get? Partiers have trading cards with booze stats there and the annual Halloween party is subsidized in part by High Times magazine and Trojan condoms. I think it’s safe to say they  party there.