Talkin'

The Funner is talkin’…bout this and that and that and uh…

Kate Middleton had her picture taken… when she was topless…and England is pissed. Ah the British, so stuffy. She’s young, she’s pretty, and she’s royal now, what’s the big deal about exposed mammaries? Mammary, mammary, speak to me mammary. I just hope they don’t go crazy and have some hooligans turn over a dust bin in Shaftsbury.

And the presidential campaigning is heating up…if you like that sort of thing. Kinda like having a hot sewing needle inserted into your pupil. He said this, he said that. It’s like the 8^th grade with Teleprompters. Did you see Mitt in phys ed? Gross.

And how bout this movie sparking protests in the Middle East? Where the hell were they when Breakin’ II Electric Boogaloo was made? Talk about a movie we should protest. That and Moulin Rouge.

The NFL enters week 2 this Sunday and somehow, the Browns have already been mathematically eliminated from the NFL’s Jacuzzi tubs. The Browns have had more high draft picks than the Army in Vietnam and yet, not one sighting of Agent Orange in one Cincinnati Bengal! Where is Herm Edwards when you need him? We play to win the game. Unless you are Pat Shurmur. “Shurmur High School Shurmur Illinois.” Apparently Pat Shurmur is in some sort of love triangle with Brandon Weedon and overthrown balls. And by overthrown balls, I mean overthrown balls.

In worse quarterback news, Mark Sanchez is dating Eva Longoria. Hey Mark you got nothing on Tim Couch. Tim used to bang former playmate of the year Heather Kozar… and without Tim Tebow around saying “dude, you should wait until marriage.”

New News You Knew

President Barack Obama called Sunday for a "thorough" and "rigorous" investigation into allegations involving prostitutes and Secret Service agents in Colombia. This is easy: whichever agents have the clap procured the senoritas. Done.

It has been reported that Demi Moore has made a low-key return to Twitter…with a Bedroom Photo. When your return to twitter is low-key with a bedroom photo, what is high-key? When you tweet a video of you slap farting Mila Kunis?

Heidi Klum has said that she "wouldn't change anything" about her marriage to Seal. When your marriage ends in divorce you probably should have changed something. If you die together in a retirement home in Florida babbling to a nurse about frozen yogurt while Seal hums ‘Fields of Gold’, then you can say you “wouldn't change anything.”

8/17/11 monologue

Teen apparel retailer Abercrombie & Fitch Co. has offered to pay Jersey Shore cast member Michael "The Situation" Sorrentino not to wear its merchandise.

Abercrombie & Fitch want to be clear on this, they still want him to wear clothes. Just not their clothes. They fear the orange may rub off.

Three out of four high school graduates aren’t fully prepared for college and likely need to take at least one remedial class, according to the latest annual survey from the nonprofit testing organization ACT.

Four out of four didn’t know that three fourths is 75%. I think they are watching too much Jersey Shore [fist pump].

There's never an ideal time for a presidential vacation. But President Barack Obama's sojourn this week to Martha's Vineyard - known as a playground for the wealthy and well-connected - comes in the wake of the nation's first-ever credit rating downgrade.

If the prez can’t take a vaca then the downgraders have won. It’s not like the lobster is going to knock us down to a C-. That is for freshman taking the ‘Reading Good’ class.

Apple has been sued by a group of about 27000 South Koreans seeking $26 million in compensation for what they feel are privacy violations.

Just because Apple knows where you are 24/7 doesn’t mean your privacy has been violated. Just ask any married man.

An airline passenger says her Paris-to-Dublin flight was delayed nearly two hours after celebrated French actor Gerard Depardieu urinated on the plane ahead of takeoff.

                Sacre bleu! In his defense, Gerard could not fit into the airplane restroom.

5/6/11 monologue

Thor opens this weekend. Thor is cast out of the fantastic realm of Asgard for his arrogance, and is sent to Earth to live among humans where he falls in love with scientist Jane Foster ,learns some much-needed lessons, and his newfound strength comes into play as a villain from his homeland sends dark forces toward Earth.

Yeah, unless Natalie Portman kisses another woman, I’m going to see Hobo With A Shotgun.

Yesterday thousands thronged the barricades in effort to get as close as possible to President Obama while he visited the hallowed site of Ground Zero.

Yeah, it looked like the old footage of girls crying over the Beatles but in this case every republican in the world was crying.

Yer boy, Nic Cage is off the hook in his domestic abuse case. Cage, who was arrested in New Orleans last month after arguing on the street with his wife while allegedly drunk, will not face charges.

This is good news for Nic but it hurts his chances to star in Thor II: Staple Gun. Actually, can Nic Cage hurt his image? Is it possible? If Nic Cage was found to be assisting al qaeda, wouldn’t we know that he was phoning that in too?

'JetMan' plans flight over Arizona's Grand Canyon. Yeah, this guy straps a rocket to his back and wants to try going over the grand canyon.

               

What could go wrong right? Let’s ask Eval Knieval. Wait, wait…I’m getting word that Eval won’t be able to comment because after his jump, they could not find his mouth.

And lastly, humble Best Buy employee Roger Kline was terminated from his position after he tackled a man who was running from the store with stolen computers.

Yeah, and to add insult to injury, he was fined from the NFL for going to the head. I want Roger Kline to be the star of Thor III: Tool Belt.