NPR's ‘5 Things You May Not Know About’ the republican candidates.

NPR is running its ‘5 Things You May Not Know About’ the republican candidates.

You’re right NPR but I do know this:

Jon Huntsman dropped out of high school — but he did graduate from college. In 1978, Huntsman quit school to play keyboards in the rock band Wizard. Just the president we need to encourage the kids to stay in school. Oh and by the way, when you name your rock band Wizard, it soon becomes apparent you will be the backing band for mediaeval inspired pornos.

Michelle Bachmann met her husband on a playground. Michele and her husband, Marcus, met when they were students at Winona State University. According to a 2007 profile in the Minneapolis Star-Tribune, they both had jobs as playground supervisors at an elementary school near the college. Marcus was there to meet guys but when in Rome… (this is not a reference to her vag being like rome, too many catholics in her vag. Kid, I kid)

Rick Perry loves The Wizard of Oz. "During our interview," wrote veteran Perry watcher Paul Burka in a 2002 Texas Monthly profile, Gov. Perry "mentioned that his 'favorite movie of all time' is The Wizard of Oz. For him it has lessons that translate to politics. (No, no, it's not that you can get along without a brain.) To Perry, political power is often an illusion, a little man behind a curtain projecting an image." This is good news because for Herman Cain, it was something else projecting.

Ron Paul can deliver. As a doctor in Texas, Kwiatkowski says, Paul delivered more than 4,000 babies over the years. Why Herman Cain had him delivering babies as opposed to a large with extra cheese is still a mystery.

Mitt Romney was once accused of "trying to bribe" a park ranger. In his new book, Mitt Romney: An Inside Look at the Man and His Politics, author Ronald B. Scott writes that when Romney was a young father, he led a family outing to a state park in Massachusetts. When Romney got ready to launch his unlicensed boat, a park ranger said it would cost him $50 if he did. Romney offered the ranger the money, was accused of trying to bribe the ranger, and was arrested for disorderly conduct. Hey Mitt, your attempted bribe of $50 was a slap in the face to that ranger. Now in the park restroom $50 will get you somewhere but not at the docks.

Newt Gingrich met his first wife, Jackie, when he was a 16-year-old high school student in Columbus, Ga. Jackie was his 23-year-old math teacher. This gives new meaning to helping Newt after school with his parabolas.

You Can't Do Both

Be wary when they tell you that you can’t do both. They told that to Charlie Sheen and we all know how that turned out.

I’m guessing that Woody Allen was also told that you can’t do both comedy and drama. We all know how that turned out. Interiors bombed but the Soon Yi thing was golden.

Now sometimes it is true. Michael Vick can’t run and last in the NFL. And by run, I mean from the PETA brethren, not from divisional linebackers. The NFC East ain’t what it used to be.

Sometimes it should be true but isn’t. Like inhaling and exhaling at the same time. Christopher Hitchens help us but Kenny G (spot) made sure we know how that turned out... and that we will never, ever buy one of his cd’s…not even a Christmas one.

I mean, look at Chaz Bono, what if he had believed you can’t do both.

So don’t buy it folks. Unless they tell you that you can’t buy both!

1 in 2 Americans Are Poor

1 in 2 americans are poor. Hmm. “Strongest economy in the world” they say. How can this be? Does greed exist? Is there income inequality?

Don’t complain. You may protest but don’t complain. Actually, you may not protest. Apparently, that is illegal now. So I guess you might call your congressperson…if you can afford a cell phone.

I’m glad I never cared about money or material wealth. I always desired time and instead of owning things, I’ve always wanted to do things. (Most perfectly legal I might add)

Consider that a man who hits a ball with a bat for a living just signed a deal to make $250 million for a mere 10 years. And make no mistake, that is because there is a demand for that kinda moolah. Here’s the rub: you pay it. Because you watch, because you go to the game, because you buy the jersey, because you watch espn and the truck commercials and then buy the trucks and on and on it goes.

Am I blaming you for 1 in 2 ‘mericans bein’ po? No I’m not. But I am telling you that 1 in 2 americans being poor is a reflection of our values. You heard me just fine punchy (Pulp Fiction quotation).

Prefer watching Two and Half Men to fractions homework…fine with me. Don’t complain. Prefer your gas guzzling truck you use to haul plastic bags full of shit you don’t need from wallmart to asceticism? Groovy. Far out. Don’t complain. You want your lap band surgery covered by health insurance to walking? Kudos, have at it. Don’t complain.

Don’t complain when your lack of vision, when your unwillingness to consider the dominoes that tumble behind your choices come back to make YOU 1 of the 1 in 2. But I forgot, you don’t do fractions. Let me put it this way, you can’t watch chuck sheen anymore because you can’t pay your cable bill because you need gas for your 13 mile per gallon ford f 150 and your lap band broke.

Yes, you could be 1 of the 1 in 2. You are not a temporarily embarrassed millionaire. If you did do fractions or statistics you would understand that you aren’t going to win the lottery. You have a better chance of getting eaten by a rabid chinchilla while hunting rhino in Botswana with Ricardo Montalban and the cast of Glee.  Yes, you…you could be one of them.

And I guess that ain’t so bad. Could be worse, you could have fractions homework.

Not both Christianity and Evolution are true - An Argument

1.       If evolution is true, we all share a common ancestor

2.       All our shared common ancestors die

3.       If christianity is true, humans don’t die

[Therefore:  not both Christianity and evolution are true

4.       Assume the negation, both christianity and evolution are true

5.       Christianity is true from 4 simplification

6.       Evolution is true from 4 simplification

7.       It is not the case that humans die from 5 and 3 modus ponens

8.       For all x, x is a shared common ancestor from 6 and 1 modus ponens

9.       Humans share a common ancestor from 8 universal instantiation

10.   If humans share a common ancestor then humans die from 2 universal instantiation

11.   Humans die from 9 and 10 modus ponens, contradicting 7

12.   Not both christianity and evolution can be the case from 4-11 reductio ad absurdum

1.       (E > (x) Sx)

2.       (x)(Sx > Dx)

3.       (C > ~Dh)

[~(C ^. E)

4.       (C ^. E) assume the negation

5.       C from 4 simp

6.       E from 4 simp

7.       ~Dh from 5 and 3 modus ponens

8.       (x)Sx from 6 and 1 modus ponens

9.       Sh from 8 UI

10.   (Sh > Dh) from 2 UI

11.   Dh from 9 and 10 modus ponens, contradicting 7

13.   ~(C ^. E) from 4-11 reductio ad absurdum

Teen Sexting

Although teen sexting is a subject of controversy, new research suggests concern about the practice may be overblown. I think this totally depends on how hot the sext is. Are we talking penthouse letters hot or Fabio on the cover cold. We certainly don’t need Fabio inspired sexting and should do everything in our power to ensure it’s not butter.

Giving Thanks

It’s that time of year when we unbutton our pants… in order to take in more animal flesh, sugars, and carbs then retreat to the couch for competitions involving sublimated aggression, booth reviews and buxom cheerleaders. Glorious.

It is also that time of year when we are supposed to give thanks for the things we have in life. Free History lesson: this dates all the way back to Colonial America when Puritans got drunk enough on mulled cider to invite Lutherans to invite the native americans over for some mutton and millet. Godless liberals like those at NPR always forget the Lutheran middle men but without them we wouldn’t have this holiday, and for that I am thankful.

I am also thankful that pizza sauce is now a vegetable. I think I smell a new thanksgiving vegetable dish! Thank you congress! I cannot wait until bacon doughnuts become a grain. I am sure I can be thankful for that next year. No pressure congress but I’ve been good so pretty please? Please make doughnuts a grain.

I am thankful for Tim Tebow. The man just loves to give shout outs to Jesus. Yes, the savior of all mankind, the son of the supreme being that created the heavens and the earth that sent his only son to suffer and die for the sins of man by being crucified with nails driven through his wrists and feet needs “shout outs,” especially after a 3^rd down conversion. I am thankful that an option right that keys a 4^th quarter drive is on a par with crucifixion.

I am thankful for that wonderful film ‘Your Highness.’ I am thankful that the charming matinee price of $11 per ticket went to this lifeless yet humorless comedy. I am thankful I never lost my breath during this one; for some movies I laugh so hard I sometimes lose my breath and spit up coke and popcorn on the person in front of me but for this one I was able to catch up on some well deserved z’s and plot the horrible, torturous keep-alive-for-days deaths of “writer” Danny McBride and “director” David Gordon Green.

I am thankful for the occupy protests. Yes, without these, the middle class workers at the pepper spray plants would also be worrying about corporate greed and government bailouts of rich with middle class tax dollars. Not to mention the police baton crafters and wooden bullet carvers. Way to put those people to work protestors!

Lastly, I am thankful for you. Yes you, you crazy son of a bitch. How long have we been friends? God we go back a long way me and you. We have been through some tough times but man-o-man have we had some crazy times. Like that time you drank too much bourbon and olive juice and threw up on that bartender on new year’s eve. And how her bouncer boyfriend put you in the hospital by breaking your jaw away from your skull and how the hospital staff couldn’t help because you couldn’t tell them what was wrong and I was no help because I was laughing my ass off. Good time. I am bummed you can’t make it for dinner but I will surely raise a pizza sauce vegetable in your honor.

Salut!

Intelligence Cubed

In the latest Intelligence Squared U.S. debate entitled 'The World Would Be Better Off Without Religion', Dinesh D'Souza said that religion gives hope for life after death – you can face death with anxiety or with hope and it is better to do so with hope.

If there is life after death you aren’t even facing death. Death exists or it doesn’t. Life after death is an oxymoron.

And so, a conversation betwix a couple of dudes.

Viva Tod: I am stoked for heaven, I can’t wait to die.

Will Mortis: Why wait?

Viva Tod: Well I can’t kill myself, I won’t get into heaven.

Will Mortis: Ironic isn’t it.

Viva Tod: It’s not ironic.

Will Mortis: Sure it is. Heaven is better than this life and the requirement to get there is death. Yet, creating your death to get there prohibits you from getting there.

Viva Tod: I have to die a natural death, I can’t commit suicide.

Will Mortis: Why is suicide unnatural?

Viva Tod: Because life is a precious gift?

Will Mortis: If life is so precious why do we die and go to a place more precious?

Viva Tod: We don’t actually die, we just change planes.

Will Mortis: So why can’t you commit suicide if you don’t actually die?

Viva Tod: Committing suicide is a sin and won’t let me change planes.

Will Mortis: Even if the goal in mind is to be with god in the best plane created?

Viva Tod: I guess so.

Will Mortis: Ironic. I’ll take death.