11/15/12 Monologue

Just one day after former Seahawks tight end Jerramy Stevens was arrested on suspicion of assaulting his bride to be Hope Solo, the two were married.

Dear Kim Kardashian, your 72 day marriage record may be in trouble. When you get into a fisticuffs at your rehearsal dinner, what the hell happens at cocktail hour? A tag team match between groomsmen and bridesmaids with a sideshow of in-laws knife fighting?

A furious Rex Ryan lashed into his team Wednesday morning, telling his players it was "cowardly" for some of them to anonymously rip Tim Tebow in a newspaper article.

Tebow was his usual gracious self after the bashing, openly acknowledging that is was god’s plan that he can’t complete a five yard slant or recognize a cover 2. 

The Seattle Police Department has come out with a practical guide to marijuana use posted on their website. The department's post has been viewed more than 120,000 times.

            What hasn’t been reported is that the Seattle Dominoes has sold over
            120,000 pizzas.           

The absence of vast swaths of summer sea ice is changing the behavior of Pacific walrus, federal scientists said Wednesday.

In fact, one walrus was spotted in a Hawaiian shirt, apparently drunk and hitting on the Kardashian mom.            

If sales hold up, One Direction could sell half a million records in one week.

The band’s manager said the members plan on giving some of the profits to a charity that helps kids straighten their hair after hurricane sandy.

Dr Gerald Crabtree of Stanford thinks humans may be (slowly) losing intellectual and emotional abilities because they're at risk from mutation or loss from the genome.
            What?! Get out! And here I thought episodes of Bridezillas was makin us so’s dumb.

Researchers have found a 'monogamy hormone' they say may help men stay faithful to their partner. The researchers found the chemical oxytocin could act as a 'fidelity marker' in men.
            Guys, you can forget the prenup, just pee into this cup.

Giving Thanks

It’s that time of year when we unbutton our pants… in order to take in more animal flesh, sugars, and carbs then retreat to the couch for competitions involving sublimated aggression, booth reviews and buxom cheerleaders. Glorious.

It is also that time of year when we are supposed to give thanks for the things we have in life. Free History lesson: this dates all the way back to Colonial America when Puritans got drunk enough on mulled cider to invite Lutherans to invite the native americans over for some mutton and millet. Godless liberals like those at NPR always forget the Lutheran middle men but without them we wouldn’t have this holiday, and for that I am thankful.

I am also thankful that pizza sauce is now a vegetable. I think I smell a new thanksgiving vegetable dish! Thank you congress! I cannot wait until bacon doughnuts become a grain. I am sure I can be thankful for that next year. No pressure congress but I’ve been good so pretty please? Please make doughnuts a grain.

I am thankful for Tim Tebow. The man just loves to give shout outs to Jesus. Yes, the savior of all mankind, the son of the supreme being that created the heavens and the earth that sent his only son to suffer and die for the sins of man by being crucified with nails driven through his wrists and feet needs “shout outs,” especially after a 3^rd down conversion. I am thankful that an option right that keys a 4^th quarter drive is on a par with crucifixion.

I am thankful for that wonderful film ‘Your Highness.’ I am thankful that the charming matinee price of $11 per ticket went to this lifeless yet humorless comedy. I am thankful I never lost my breath during this one; for some movies I laugh so hard I sometimes lose my breath and spit up coke and popcorn on the person in front of me but for this one I was able to catch up on some well deserved z’s and plot the horrible, torturous keep-alive-for-days deaths of “writer” Danny McBride and “director” David Gordon Green.

I am thankful for the occupy protests. Yes, without these, the middle class workers at the pepper spray plants would also be worrying about corporate greed and government bailouts of rich with middle class tax dollars. Not to mention the police baton crafters and wooden bullet carvers. Way to put those people to work protestors!

Lastly, I am thankful for you. Yes you, you crazy son of a bitch. How long have we been friends? God we go back a long way me and you. We have been through some tough times but man-o-man have we had some crazy times. Like that time you drank too much bourbon and olive juice and threw up on that bartender on new year’s eve. And how her bouncer boyfriend put you in the hospital by breaking your jaw away from your skull and how the hospital staff couldn’t help because you couldn’t tell them what was wrong and I was no help because I was laughing my ass off. Good time. I am bummed you can’t make it for dinner but I will surely raise a pizza sauce vegetable in your honor.

Salut!