Double-Spaced This Time

[Professor’s Office]

Student: Why did you give me a D?

Professor: I didn’t give you a D. You gave you a D.

Student: Well, I’ve thought about it and I want to give me an A now. Thanks, see you in class.

Professor: Maybe you should have wanted to give you an A before you wrote a D paper.

Student: D paper you are referring to was D bomb yo and by bomb yo I mean an A paper.

Professor: D paper was D shit and by shit I mean I mean I wiped my ass with it and by doing so improved it from an F to a D.

Student: I thought I smelled something when you handed it back? But then again, your mouth was open at the time so…

Professor: Yeah well, you might want to practice opening yours up a little wider, either that or move up to fries.

Student: Speaking of fried, I saw your wife at the fraternity house last night and talk about wide. Any wider and I could have hidden my bong. (finger in hole motion, fist motion)

Professor: Is this the same fraternity house where your, quote unquote brothers, roofied you, stripped you naked and placed a quarter next to your penis to give it scale and then youtubed it there babydick?

Student: Yeah I heard about your baby. Sorry it came out with 3 sets of genitalia but I guess with you as the father it just couldn’t make up its mind.

Professor: Oh no that’s been all taken care of, what with you on that genitalia-of-any-kind donation list. Congrats on getting a little something to go underneath your miniature vienna sausage. Your mom must be so proud now.

Student: Oh she’s beaming, just like the shine off your head and 2005 Ford Taurus. Man, to get to the point in life where you can afford a brand new Ford Taurus. Talk about pride. Is the rogaine working at all? But fuck it, haircuts are so expensive now and you are probably still paying on that car.

Professor: Speaking of paying, what is daddy paying for you to clean up after the bros at the house? And my god, with the market for the custodial arts booming right now, you are going to make a killing mopping up at the high school soon. But be careful, all those keys on your waist could lead to bad hips. And who needs bad hips to go along with daddy’s disappointment at not taking over the lawn care business. You guys hedge now too right?

Student: Oh I think you mean hedge funds. But what would you know about that with your soon-to-be divorce settlement stripping you of everything except your elbow patched blazer and prized Taurus with rear air conditioning?

Professor: Speaking of rear, I hear they call you “reartarded” now because your ass doesn’t know what to do with all the weight you’ve gained. Should I disperse it evenly amongst the cheeks or do a mom-jeans kinda thing in the back? But I have to say, the shorts and sweats year round – a good look for you.

Student: Look, are you gonna change my grade or do I have to make a scene?

Professor: Here’s what I’ll do, you rewrite the paper and get it to me by Friday at 5pm and wipe my ass with it again and give you a C-. Double spaced this time.

New Rule!

New Rule: Bill Maher can never look at anything aesthetically pleasing ever again until he recants his “visual arts are bullshit” statement.

Now I know Bill would have all the kids major in chemistry so his weed can be more potent but Bill, what would you stare at for 3½ hours if we don’t have any visual arts programs? Elizabeth Hasslebeck’s abs?

You see Bill said that one doesn’t have to go to school for the visual arts and he is 100% correct. You don’t have to go to school for nutrition either, just look at America’s waistline for proof. You don’t have to go to school to be president, just look at G Dubya. You don’t have to go to school for anything and you can be shitty at everything, just like Bill’s America.

Now I usually like Bill but he blew this one quicker than a Charlie Sheen escort.  

Now sure, we are lacking in the STEM areas to be sure but Bill’s implicit premise that the STEM college programs are more valuable than the visual arts and that visual artists don’t need technical, formal education is as absurd as putting Christopher Hitchens and Mos Def on the same panel. Oh wait, I think Bill did that.

Maybe Bill needs a refresher course, maybe Bill doesn’t know that we kooky humans started putting visual art up some 32,000 years ago on cave walls, well before republicans hated the national endowment for the arts. Maybe Bill doesn’t know that Albert Einstein said that "The greatest scientists are artists as well."

It is truly a shame that a supposed man of reason doesn’t see the importance of collegiate visual arts programs and how the skills learned in these programs can be applied to other areas for informed, fresh perspectives but then maybe Bill has gotten a little stale.

So you can put that empty frame up on the wall Bill and you can call college visual arts programs bullshit, just close your eyes when you do it. You might want to close your nose too, because the shitty art that is going to result is going to fucking stink.