Favorite Sight in The World - Best Ever!

My new favorite sight in the world: Guy in huge pickup truck with Vortec 2.9L I-4 engine, Sequential Fuel Injection with 2 stage multi leaf rear suspension and StabiliTrak® Electronic Stability Control System adorned with silver plated Delta Champion Gear-Lock Single-Lid Crossover tool box… waiting on the side of the road for AAA because he has no fucking idea how to change a flat.

You might want to ask someone else out when she says:

I can’t tonight, I have to delouse my cats and catch up on my Hardy Boys mysteries.

I would but my mom is in town for the star trek convention and she has to stay at my place because of the reverse restraining order.

I’d love to. Can we go to the vegan restaurant because I am totally spiritually opposed to eating meat and other assorted vitamins and minerals?

Is it ok if I come late? My dungeons and dragons game ends at 6 on Friday nights. Plus I’ll have to ditch my warlock smock as it’ll have fairy dust all over it by then.

Why don’t you come over to my place instead? I make a mean mutton and haggis casserole served with blood sausage.

Oh great, I’m supposed to think this is a coincidence right? I am getting my corpus collosum, appendix, floating rib, and 3^rd tongue piercing removed and now you ask me out?

I know match.com put us together but I just want you to know, I may have fibbed a bit about not being institutionalized during the war of 1812.

I can’t, I’ll be camping out for Hunger Games tickets.

Quiz Time

A remarkable investigation by Los Angeles Times reports that the Academy Awards voting members are 94 percent Caucasian and 77 percent male. Only 2 percent are African American, and less than 2 percent are Latino. Their median age is 62, and only 14 percent are younger than 50.

     This explains the Soul Plane Oscar snub.

     If the Oscars were any whiter, they’d get Billy Crystal to host…oh wait.

    

Dominique Strauss-Kahn, the former head of the International Monetary Fund spent Tuesday sitting in a police interrogation room in north-east France being quizzed about a prostitution ring and allegations of fraud.

Is this what the police do in france? Quiz suspects? “Monsieur Kahn, say two prostitutes are charging you $1000 each and $2000 each per ménage à troi, if you have 2 ménage à troi’s and a round the world from each, how much do you owe?”

    

Edvard Munch's The Scream – is to be sold by Sotheby's in New York. The auction house said it could fetch more than $80m which would make it one of the most expensive artworks ever sold at auction.

And for those of you playing at home, no, this isn’t so expensive because he cut off his ear!

Ancient Plant Scientists regenerated this Sylene stenophylla plant from seeds buried by a squirrel 30000 years ago.

Said High Times magazine, “You think those squirrels stashed some killer bud some cave men toked on? Dude!”

Quiz Time

News Knows Nose Knews

Braless wife beater shirts should have been listed in the credits at the end of the dance movie Honey with Jessica Alba. They had more screen time than Yoda in The Empire Strikes Back.

Adele’s 21 has almost 40000 reviews on itunes. Do people work anymore? The infrastructure is crumbling and Joe Construction writes “5 stars! Adele made me believe in music again. I’ll be rolling in the deep for a long time.”

Hugh Hefner’s son is a misogynist and water is wet. But what are his turn offs? Bad breath, 80’s rock, and Dad’s pajama collection.

Bill o’Reilly took the opportunity to beat a dead hoarse when he said that newly deceased Whitney Houston “wanted to kill herself.” Way to give em time to grieve Billy. The body isn’t even cold and Billy is jabbing it with a shark hook and spreading falafel all over it.

Kate Upton graces the cover on SI’s swimsuit issue. There is also a blurb in the issue about the NFL cancelling the next 8 seasons and replacing itself with badminton.

Swimsuit Issue Valentine

cupid got drunk and overslept

missed his alarm and never drew a bead

unloved lovers wept, male chauvinists never planted their seeds

but just in time the swimsuit issue hit the stands

with enough T & A to chafe even the most lubed of hands

and so the mating calls went unheard, drowned in darkened basements, the sticky pages more assured

instead of raising the species the sweat socks are stained, tis a horrifying refrain

the fires of love won’t be lit but the laptops warmly glow

but Cupid’s drunk again, he’ll never know

Top 10 Catholic Church vs U.S. Government Moments

10. Chess Match of 83. U.S. Government wins with stunning rook to kings 4 despite divine intervention.

9. Food stamps used to purchase bottled water only to be transubstantiated into wine, millions drunk. Chalk one up for the Catholic church.

8. Hilary Clinton ordained as priestess of white house functions, despite Catholic resistance.

7. White House football game vs US Bishops turns nasty when Bishop Barkley late hits Colin Powell.

6. John F Kennedy confesses to “bangin’ a ton of broads” despite Washington DC Diocese calling for infidelity truce.

5. Gay marriage legalized causing numerous priests to leave the church for careers in home décor.

4. Even though Pope John Paul recognizes the legitimacy of evolution, still feels that Bonobos in U.S. Zoos should practice the rhythm method.

3. US Government subsidized rosary beads only to find out garlic is better at warding off vampires.

2. National Guard Troops ordered to storm Georgetown University after allowing Villanova to shoot something like 80% from the field in NCAA Championship Game.

1. Catholic priests protest law requiring all mass wine be a Beaujolais by sit-in outside the Lincoln memorial drunk on Pinot. Law overturned.