You might want to ask someone else out when she says:

I can’t tonight, I have to delouse my cats and catch up on my Hardy Boys mysteries.

I would but my mom is in town for the star trek convention and she has to stay at my place because of the reverse restraining order.

I’d love to. Can we go to the vegan restaurant because I am totally spiritually opposed to eating meat and other assorted vitamins and minerals?

Is it ok if I come late? My dungeons and dragons game ends at 6 on Friday nights. Plus I’ll have to ditch my warlock smock as it’ll have fairy dust all over it by then.

Why don’t you come over to my place instead? I make a mean mutton and haggis casserole served with blood sausage.

Oh great, I’m supposed to think this is a coincidence right? I am getting my corpus collosum, appendix, floating rib, and 3^rd tongue piercing removed and now you ask me out?

I know match.com put us together but I just want you to know, I may have fibbed a bit about not being institutionalized during the war of 1812.

I can’t, I’ll be camping out for Hunger Games tickets.

Pop Culture and The Fucking Tautologies

Christ almighty let it stop. Sheezus with the tautologies everywhere. People think they are communicating with this shit.

A tautology is a statement that is ALWAYS true. Always. Yes, I know you have doubts but remember…ALWAYS. You may think it is neat but it is BORING. Boring because nothing new is conveyed.

“It is what it is.”

Thank you so much. I had no idea. Let there be light. I have seen the errors of my ways. For a second there I was confused but now, well now, I know that it is what it is.

NO NEW INFORMATION IS CONVEYED! You had me at “it is” Jerry Maguire.

It’s like I’m taking crazy pills anytime I pull the qtips out of my ears.

“He is who he is.”

You hear this on sports talk radio like WEEI. Man, that was a close call. He is who he is huh? Are you telling me I had it all wrong this whole time when I was thinking that he wasn’t who he wasn’t?

Think of it this way grasshopper: If I tell you that “It is either raining or it isn’t raining” you would likely tell me to fuck off and I would deserve it. Because you already knew that and it helps in no way, shape, or form in our lives. Be it juggling, calling audibles when you see a nickel package, or making a sculpture of your package in nickel…it just doesn’t help.

But these people, these fucking people who think they are actually saying something with the “it is what it is” and the “he is who he is” statements are taking points off our collective IQ’s like oprah taking off lbs on a liquid diet.

So, I’ve decided to begin all statements with tautologies.

                You: Hello, how are you today?

                Me: I’m good or I’m not good. And you?

You: I’m good. You see that game last night? Tom Brady was great except for his out of wedlock baby.

Me: Tom Brady is who he is and the Jets defense either has it going or it doesn’t have it going.

You: You have to hand it to Belicheck though. He sure has changed his ways since the Metcalf-up-the-middle days in Cleveland.

Me: Belicheck is Belicheck and not non Belicheck and his choice of coach wear is either patriot vagabond chic or it isn’t.

You: Cool. You want to grab a bite, maybe some mutton and haggis grinders?

Me: I will or I won’t. He is who he is. It is haggis or it isn’t haggis.

MAKE IT STOP!