News Knows Nose Knews

Braless wife beater shirts should have been listed in the credits at the end of the dance movie Honey with Jessica Alba. They had more screen time than Yoda in The Empire Strikes Back.

Adele’s 21 has almost 40000 reviews on itunes. Do people work anymore? The infrastructure is crumbling and Joe Construction writes “5 stars! Adele made me believe in music again. I’ll be rolling in the deep for a long time.”

Hugh Hefner’s son is a misogynist and water is wet. But what are his turn offs? Bad breath, 80’s rock, and Dad’s pajama collection.

Bill o’Reilly took the opportunity to beat a dead hoarse when he said that newly deceased Whitney Houston “wanted to kill herself.” Way to give em time to grieve Billy. The body isn’t even cold and Billy is jabbing it with a shark hook and spreading falafel all over it.

Kate Upton graces the cover on SI’s swimsuit issue. There is also a blurb in the issue about the NFL cancelling the next 8 seasons and replacing itself with badminton.

The Allegory of the Basement

Many philosophers have pondered the depths of the human psyche; wading through sewage infested thoughts and amoral impulses only to find that way down, in the deepest, blackest, coldest bottom of bottoms, a clown.

A very funny clown that just cracks them up with a series of delightful displays utilizing everything from a squirting flower to a whoopee cushion. And just when we are all happy and carefree the clown hops on his funny bicycle and rides off toward the unsuspecting sunset only to be leveled by a greyhound bus steered by a texting Bill O’Reilly. So the philosophers, having figured it all out, trudge back up the stairs in silence to break the confines of the basement and realize the light of day. A light so piercing and illuminating that they, for the first time, see the world as it is, just like in Plato’s Allegory of the Cave. They see you, they see me, they see John Stewart and Eric Stoltz and the hot dog vendor and a hooker with a terrible fashion sense and then, off in the distance, they see a clown, on a bike, oozing toward them, ever so slowly, illuminated more and more they shield their eyes to find…Bill O’Reilly in the clown suit having a grand old time. He squirts all with his flower and all revel in the levity as he pops a wheelie on his bike.

Till Woody Allen steps in…